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lilygrace

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Thank you.

Yes, it was horrific beyond words. :/ I am grateful to God the jaguar was there. It was a real physical jaguar. Idk why he was there, but we must have been bonded in some way, because he watched over me like a beloved guard dog. I still left the body at some point ...the torture was too much. (Other alters stayed in the body.)

@truthquest, I think this was an incursion and is one of their goals they wanted in me ...the spiritual capacity to be able to be a gateway so they could bring in more entities (fallen angels).
i feel heartbroken for how they tormented and tortured you.
I am amazed about the jaguar and for you to even remember any way of being cared for in such an event
 

Heart2Soul

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How long would you say you experienced the effects and pain from the abuse you suffered?
I haven't stopped experiencing the effects...probably because the abuser is still in my life...but mostly because I am who I am today as a result of what I experienced. Some are positive in regards to how I am able to share my testimony with others and some are negative when my abuser does something that triggers me to want to let all that anger and bitterness come back. That is when I have to lean on Jesus to help me stay strong.
 

TLHKAJ

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I haven't stopped experiencing the effects...probably because the abuser is still in my life...but mostly because I am who I am today as a result of what I experienced. Some are positive in regards to how I am able to share my testimony with others and some are negative when my abuser does something that triggers me to want to let all that anger and bitterness come back. That is when I have to lean on Jesus to help me stay strong.
I see. You still have triggers.
This is something that survivors of SRA/MK can relate to, but on steroids, because of the level and intensity of deliberate mind shattering trauma, usually beginning in the womb, or at least by age 2 or 3.

Did you have any memories that were repressed or blocked?
 
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Addy

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Well... being big mouthed as I am... I need to speak my heart here...

I arrived into the situation after three hours at the lake... and when I returned to check on this thread ( as I do for the purpose of praying )... what I found was this... a post from a staff member who appeared to be condemning some aspect of this conversation ( that has had over 1400 posts prior to any interference ). This in my opinion is where the problem occurred.

Whenever administration ( staff included ) steps in with correction... it makes a serious STATEMENT.

This has happened to me before... where I was in some form of debate... Admin made a comment that I was wrong... and BANG.... conversation OVER... I shut down...

I absolutely AGREE that staff should be allowed to speak on any topic they desire... and I absolutely AGREE that correction needs to be made when someone reports a post... and/or if someone is being rude or offensive... but those are TWO different HATS.

I do NOT agree that they should come swooping in as occurred yesterday. I wish that Administration would realize how they are SEEN and VIEWED by some...They are AUTHORITY FIGURES... ( the police if you will )...
I think an alternate name for normal forum participation purposes would solve a great many problems in my opinion.

As for what occurred with Heart2Soul... that was a misunderstanding... something was said... and in light of the confusion... from staff #1.... her post was taken in the wrong way.... it was worked out because of clarification... which is a must in order to have a problem free zone for open communication.

This thread has been/is a labour of love... and God has orchestrated a PLACE of HEALING for survivors to come. Much of what goes on here is NOT SEEN...as it comes in the form of prayer covering... Prayer is given to and for all who come here and especially for Jostler and TLHKAJ who work as a tag team to counsel those who have been through horrific abuses.

What occurred yesterday has spooked at least one person that I am aware of... and they may never be back.... because they now deem these forums as UNSAFE. All because a staff member chose to make a public statement.

My heart is GRIEVED.

There are so many UNHEALTHY threads going on here.... Why pick on this one? There is good work being done here.
 
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TLHKAJ

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This thread has been/is a labour of love... and God has orchestrated a PLACE of HEALING for survivors to come. Much of what goes on here is NOT SEEN...as it comes in the form of prayer covering... Prayer is given to and for all who come here and especially for Jostler and TLHKAJ who work as a tag team to counsel those who have been through horrific abuses.

What occurred yesterday has spooked at least one person that I am aware of... and they may never be back.... because they now deem these forums as UNSAFE. All because a staff member chose to make a public statement.

My heart is GRIEVED.

There are so many UNHEALTHY threads going on here.... Why pick on this one? There is good work being done here.
Very encouraging words ... thank you, @Addy. God bless you.
 
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TLHKAJ

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What occurred yesterday has spooked at least one person that I am aware of... and they may never be back.... because they now deem these forums as UNSAFE. All because a staff member chose to make a public statement.

My heart is GRIEVED.
This is very heartbreaking...we must keep them in our prayers. God sees and I know that He still has a plan for freedom no matter if they can participate in this thread, or He sends support in another way.
 

truthquest

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Thank you.

Yes, it was horrific beyond words. :/ I am grateful to God the jaguar was there. It was a real physical jaguar. Idk why he was there, but we must have been bonded in some way, because he watched over me like a beloved guard dog. I still left the body at some point ...the torture was too much. (Other alters stayed in the body.)

@truthquest, I think this was an incursion and is one of their goals they wanted in me ...the spiritual capacity to be able to be a gateway so they could bring in more entities (fallen angels).
Do you know who your handler was? How you got there and who took you there?
 
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Addy

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This is very heartbreaking...we must keep them in our prayers. God sees and I know that He still has a plan for freedom no matter if they can participate in this thread, or He sends support in another way.
I do not have confirmation on this... I have gleaned an observation. I am off to the beach... I need quiet BE STILL in HIM time.
 

TLHKAJ

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Do you know who your handler was? How you got there and who took you there?
I always had memories of the mayan pyramids, since around age 14 (maybe earlier). I remembered being there with one of my uncles on my mother's side. And I remembered that some of my older cousins were there as well. I always remembered is going up lots of steps, into these narrow passageways....and there were little rooms that we went inside, and laid in. They weren't big enough to really even stand up in, many of them.

But although those memories always seemed benign, kinda "touristy", I would always push them away and tell myself, "That's not true. I've never been outside of Texas but twice." Then I would rehearse the two times that I consciously remembered being outside of Texas...once at age 2 and again at age 14. That's a good example of denial and how my mind protected those memories and kept me from going any deeper for years.

Why would the mind have to guard or deny even going there with family as a vacation? (Btw, the uncle who brought us there is big in the m*rmon religion and is also friends with Ted Turner.)

I have a strong inkling that my uncle must have been there even though I couldn't see him. (This could be triggering......) Rituals are usually conducted in very specific ways. There is usually what is called a "d*mon caller" who stands behind a veil of some sort. This person will often be born under very specific circumstances and on a specific date ...which often contains certain numbers. That's just how the cult does things. They value the number "11" as it is seen as a key to open portals, psychic abilities, and communication with other dimensions. (For instance, why they named the star in the movie "Stranger Things" as "Eleven.") So the cult really likes to use that number as a key for the psychic and interdimensional communication and travel.

Anyway ...my uncle's birthdate has a lot of ones and elevens in it. They likely needed him as a d*mon caller. That would explain why I didn't see him. And my alters revealed to me 15 yrs ago that he and his wife/my aunt were handlers.

Incidentally, one of my earliest trauma memories involved this uncle. I'll write it out ....

I always had this memory and would tell myself, "It was just a dream..."
I remembered at age two, that my aunt and uncle had come to visit. They and my parents were sitting at the dining room table playing cards. My older sister and I were already sent to bed, and yet, I was outside my body, in the kitchen, seeing them at the table. At some point, my dad and uncle got up and went to our bedroom. By age two, I had already learned it was safer to stay outside the body than to be in it. After the men went into our room, my mom and aunt sat at the table talking ...and I saw another "me" (a part of me/alter) fly out ...literally through the closed bedroom door. I flew up and joined her, and we left ....flew up over the trees and into the stars ...as far away as we could go.
I always had that memory.

For those who are reading who may be new to DID and how that works, the mind and spirit being shattered, parts of one's being can leave the body while others remain in the body to experience trauma. I spent most of my life either outside the body...or if I had to be in the body, I was well inside away from the front.

In 2008, when I was out front for the first time, it was so unsettling to be in the body and feel sensations, emotions, see details up close I'd never seen before such as my children's faces or a little kitten ....or the colors of the trees, the blue skies ...feel a breeze touch my skin, etc. It's
different being inside the body experiencing those things. Very overwhelming!! I had to learn to stay connected with the body, and how to hold onto time/space. Keeping emotions regulated was new. I'd laugh when I was sad, and cry when I was happy ...things were all mixed up, often hitting all at once.

Before that point, if I had to be in the body, my sense of time was just situational ....I only had to "be" in that day or in that hour ...then I was "gone" (back deeper inside, or outside the body). So I didn't know how to connect time and days consecutively and have a sense of being a person with a history. So in 2008, being moved to the front for the first time in a permanent way, I had a lot of trouble connecting the days and forming a sense of being a person with a past.

Thankfully, I did know the Lord and He had prepared me all my life for that moment. I grabbed hold of the scripture that says, "In Him we live and move and have our being!" So I anchored myself literally to that, knowing that even if I couldn't see my history, I did have a history and it was in His hands. None of it was lost. I had an existence ...a person with a past. So over several months, my brain began making new connections and pathways, and alters were merging ...I learned how to be present and in the body, occupying time and space. My history began to be "mine" rather than just waking up each day as if it was my first day with no connection to the days before.


Wow, that was longer than I expected. I hope it made sense! @truthquest, I know I went off the subject a bit. But I hope I answered what you asked. If there is more, feel free to ask more. :)
 
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marks

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I was wondering if you were implying that people who are DID have been given over to a reprobate mind. If that was not the point of your post mentioning reprobates, you have my sincere apology.

If that was what you were implying I would have felt compelled to address it. Such an accusation would be very wrong, and very damaging. I certainly hope that was not what you were implying. I would defend these precious ones to the best ability I could manage if anyone ever did imply they were reprobates.
She was replying to me, linking a 'reprobate mind' to the corruption of the flesh.

I was commenting really with the intent to express that while I'm not DID, I'm maybe not so far away as to not understand some things. And given my own 'mental issues', or 'illnesses' (I may define that more broadly, I don't want to get hung up on labels), or 'mal-adaptive coping mechanisms' (which I think is the best description for those things we are not born with), I've come to see a lot of common functioning between the mental issues a lot of people deal with, and the way sin in the flesh works.

This has helped me a lot to be able to understand myself, and, more importantly, to begin to heal. It helps me to see myself as God sees me, I think. Anyway, it's helped me a lot! That's all I was trying to say, and @Heart2Soul was adding her comment.

If anyone wants to follow up on this line of thinking with me, let me know, I'll be happy to share what I am able.

Hopefully this will set hearts to rest.

Much love!
 

truthquest

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I always had memories of the mayan pyramids, since around age 14 (maybe earlier). I remembered being there with one of my uncles on my mother's side. And I remembered that some of my older cousins were there as well.

But although those memories always seemed benign, kinda "touristy", I would always push them away and tell myself, "That's not true. I've never been outside of Texas but twice." Then I would rehearse the two times that I consciously remembered being outside of Texas...once at age 2 and again at age 14. That's a good example of denial and how my mind protected those memories and kept me from going any deeper for years.

Why would the mind have to guard or deny even going there with family as a vacation? (Btw, the uncle who brought us there is big in the m*rmon religion and is also friends with Ted Turner.)
Just so I'm understanding you correctly, you did go there but it was under the guise of a vacation?
If so, your family never talked about it and it was kept secret. They didn't want you to remember that. ,,,
Ties to the m*rmon religion. Was your uncle also a Mason? Ted Turner, he's a major player isn't he. He's very wealthy, has a lot of power and influence, and has major connections.
I have a strong inkling that my uncle must have been there even though I couldn't see him. (This could be triggering......) Rituals are usually conducted in very specific ways. There is usually what is called a "d*mon caller" who stands behind a veil of some sort. This person will often be born under very specific circulation and on a specific date ...which often contains certain numbers. That's just how the cult does things. They value the number "11" as it is seen as a key to open portals, psychic abilities, and communication with other dimensions. (For instance, why they named the star in the movie "Stranger Things" as "Eleven.") So the cult really likes to use that number as a key for the psychic and interdimensional communication and travel.
This gets my attention when you said a "d*mon caller". The handler was able to...summon demons. I saw him do that. But not in the same way as you describe. I saw the effect that had on people, even on me. He also did that during rituals.


I always had this memory and would tell myself, "It was just a dream..."
I remembered at age two, that my aunt and uncle had come to visit. They and my parents were sitting at the dining room table playing cards. My older sister and I were already sent to bed, and yet, I was outside my body, in the kitchen, seeing them at the table. At some point, my dad and uncle got up and went to our bedroom. By age two, I had already learned it was safer to stay outside the body than to be in it. After the men went into our room, my mom and aunt sat at the table talking ...and I saw another "me" (a part of me/alter) fly out ...literally through the closed bedroom door. I flew up and joined her, and we left ....flew up over the trees and into the stars ...as far away as we could go.
I do have one memory of floating out a window when I was five years old. I seemed to go straight up, over the house, then even higher up. I have a fear of heights. I'm not sure if it was because of that or not.
 
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Heart2Soul

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I see. You still have triggers.
This is something that survivors of SRA/MK can relate to, but on steroids, because of the level and intensity of deliberate mind shattering trauma, usually beginning in the womb, or at least by age 2 or 3.

Did you have any memories that were repressed or blocked?
Oh definitely...I have many years of my life that there are blackouts....
I recently remembered my stepfather trying to drown me when I was little...
 
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TLHKAJ

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Just so I'm understanding you correctly, you did go there but it was under the guise of a vacation?
If so, your family never talked about it and it was kept secret. They didn't want you to remember that. ,,,
Ties to the m*rmon religion. Was your uncle also a Mason? Ted Turner, he's a major player isn't he. He's very wealthy, has a lot power and influence, and has major connections.
Yes, my memories were always more along the lines of it being a vacation. But here's the thing ...all the kids in the family (siblings, cousins) would spend a week or so at our uncle/aunt's home in the summers. But in my conscious memory, it was just us at their house, cookouts, spending time at another m*rmon family's home down the lane ...things like that. But if I was to ask my mom if she ever gave permission to take us kids on a vacation outside the United States, she'd probably freak and say absolutely not! Even the "vacation" was to be secret. BUT ....my mom used to have nightmares that me and my sister were being taken away someplace by her relatives. She would wake up crying and my stepdad would have to console her. Her nightmares were triggered after I got married and moved away....suppose the separation was a trigger.

Yes, Turner is also named as a perp by Fiona Barnett. But even before I knew of her testimony, I had connected the dots. He is a huge NWO player, a handler, and proponent of population reduction.
 

TLHKAJ

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Oh definitely...I have many years of my life that there are blackouts....
I recently remembered my stepfather trying to drown me when I was little...
Sorry to hear that, @Heart2Soul!! That is something most survivors have experienced ... deliberate death traumas ... drownings, resuscitation, suffocations followed by reviving... being placed in ice and frozen, etc ...death traumas are so common, and very powerful for anchoring in programming.

Anyway ....I can see you have a lot in common with SRA/MK survivors.
 

truthquest

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For those who are reading who may be new to DID and how that works, the mind and spirit being shattered, parts of one's being can leave the body while others remain in the body to experience trauma. I spent most of my life either outside the body...or if I had to be in the body, I was well inside away from the front.
Yes, I know what you're talking about. I know that's the reason why I can't remember many things. But the things I do remember or know about so far, has given me a lot of information about what happened to me, who was involved, what I was used for, what the agenda was or at least was part of it or was connected to it. There are so many things that were connected to it.


Before that point, if I had to be in the body, my sense of time was just situational ....I only had to "be" in that day or in that hour ...then I was "gone" (back deeper inside, or outside the body). So I didn't know how to connect time and days consecutively and have a sense of being a person with a history. So in 2008, being moved to the front for the first time in a permanent way, I had a lot of trouble connecting the days and forming a sense of being a person with a past.
There are a lot of missing years in my life. I feel like everything was stolen from me. Everything. My family, my childhood, my free will, my choices and my life to be who God intended me to be.
 
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lilygrace

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i was thinking of this last night as i felt depressed about my isolation over the years. outsiders just think its the covid thing for me but i feel i have been that way. i had a couple ex boyfriends seem to drive me away. i lost function and left college for years. i can only hold down a part time job. i dont drive. my mother wanted me to share a bank account with her in 2014 but i prevented that. all this to say i feel a lot is stolen from me.
at the same time i question it all since when i was a child my mother paid for piano lessons, i got an education, i was given nice things.....

the ivf comment seemed like it was mocking me...for exactly what ? i dont know. being a childless woman is all the rage these days. something is off so badly.

i met a man i liked in 2005 when i got sick at a christian camp. he was a worker and wanted to take me to the hospital if i couldnt eat or drink. i didnt want to go but i never saw him again. there was a young man i liked before then and his family didnt care for my father for reasons. (i am no hung up on all this, i just feel like there are a lot of people i can bond with but i end up never being able to see them again)

starting to feel like i exist a bit more in this past year or so is weird for me cos i feel old and its pointless or silly
 
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