Forgiveness

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Marta

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Mar 29, 2011
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I thought I had forgiven some people for awful things they did to me years ago, even though they were never open to reconciliation and honest communication (let alone apology) about the matter, and it was clear they did not want to have decent, sensible interaction.

I got alone and prayed, and asked God to help me let go of my resentment, my ego, and to make my heart right in this situation. I acknowledged and repented for my part in this, even though I felt like their wrong far outweighed mine. (And I still feel that way.)

Jesus told us to love our enemies. How do we love someone who seems to dislike us and not even give us a chance? They've made it clear they don't want any further communication with me, so writing them or trying to discuss anything is out of the question.

There seems to be no closure on this for me, which frustrates me further.

But the thing that troubles me most is, I still feel resentment toward them at times. Resentment that they hurt me so badly, that they wounded my spirit with what they did to me. And I often wonder, what would I do if I ran into them in a store or whatever. This is after I have prayed and asked God to help me love them regardless. All I can think of is how ugly they treated me. That's all I can see.

Has anyone else ever suffered with anything like this? And if so, were you ever able to get past it?
 

aspen

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Awesome topic!!!

I truly believe that forgiveness is the highest form of love. It is the one good thing that God is teaching us that we would never know without the Fall. The only way we can learn how to forgive is to submit ourselves to the sanctification of Christ. He will teach us perspective talking skills, leading to empathy, leading to love, and culminating in forgiveness. It will take awhile, and you cannot force it. Please do not rush it! You will know when you are ready when Christ gives you the willingness.

Also, I learn a lot from the Amish when the whole community chose to forgive one of their own who murdered some of their children.

You are a precious child of God - lean on Him.
 

Rach1370

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Hey Marta, welcome to the board!
I suspect we all have betrayals in our lives, although I don't think I have suffered anything as harsh as what you may have. The one thing I have learned, is that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. We know forgiveness is the right thing, that God desires it from us, just as He forgives us. So even if we are in the right, even if we still hurt, it is the right thing to do to forgive them. It's not easy, and will take prayer and God's help...probably ongoing for a long time. There may be a chance you never forget the hurt these people caused you, but feeling hurt is different from feeling resentment. Try and remember what Jesus suffered...none of it was deserved, yet He didn't hold a grudge, He said 'father forgive them'. It didn't take away His physical hurt, just as forgiving these people will not take away yours...but it will give you freedom from the negative things that bitter anger do to us.

A Pastor I listen to says: It takes one to forgive, two to reconcile. It's sad that you may never be able to clear things up with these people face to face, but ultimately that will be their loss. All you can do is move forward.

Hope this helps!
Rach
 

jiggyfly

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Very good posts, one thing I want to throw in is there is a difference between forgiveness and trust. While we are commanded to forgive we are not commanded to trust anyone other than the Lord Himself. I have found through my own experiences that when I feel someone has let me down, many times it was my own fault for putting more trust in them than they were capable of maintaining. Trust is something that should be earned and not blindly given.
smile.gif
 

Rach1370

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Very good posts, one thing I want to throw in is there is a difference between forgiveness and trust. While we are commanded to forgive we are not commanded to trust anyone other than the Lord Himself. I have found through my own experiences that when I feel someone has let me down, many times it was my own fault for putting more trust in them than they were capable of maintaining. Trust is something that should be earned and not blindly given.
smile.gif

Oh yeah...great point! And totally true. People are sinful, and while we are told to forgive and know it's beneficial for us, we need to cautious. Trust is not to be given to some...the predators, users and abusers. Forgive them, yeah, trust them? Never.
 

aspen

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willingness to forgive is totally reliant on Christ - He will never mislead you. Trust fully in Him and you will forgive, someday!
 

timf

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Jan 1, 2011
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Has anyone else ever suffered with anything like this? And if so, were you ever able to get past it?

Forgiveness is an interesting concept. We can see an example of divine forgiveness;

1John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

In this example the forgiveness of sin is contingent upon our "confession". The word "confess" is the Greek word HOMOLOGOS which is a compound word "same words". The idea is that if we were to see ourselves using the "same words" as Jesus would, then we have come to an understanding of truth where we can receive forgiveness.

In this example, we see forgiveness as a process that involves two parties. The process shows reconciliation via the "common denominator" of truth. In truth there is no disunity. Relationships can be restored and harmony achieved.

If one party is not reconciled to truth, then true forgiveness cannot be accomplished. There are a number of things that can be done that can add up to essentially a unilateral (one-sided) "forgiveness".

1. Avoid a root of bitterness. Dwelling on injustice often leads to a continual state of outrage and indignation. Buried in this is an elevation of self. The Bible calls this a "root" referring to its pernicious ability to grow and consume. If you have never seen a life consumed by this process, it is very sad.

2. Avoid repeated exposure and injury. There are many admonitions in Proverbs particularly to avoid the company of fools, mockers, the unwise, and the rebellious. Jesus says to forgive a brother seventy times seven times. However, Paul says to do even eat with a brother that continues in his sin.

3. Understand. If you were shot in the leg by a monkey that had escaped from the zoo and had somehow managed to get a hold of a revolver, you would still hurt, but it would be difficult to remain angry with the monkey. It could not be expected to know what it was doing. As we begin to grow in wisdom and understanding, we begin to understand that some people act as wild animals. As wisdom and understanding are from the Lord and He offers it freely to all who ask, it is not a bad idea to cry out to God for wisdom every day.

4. Selflessness. The Bible tells us that we are supposed to mature in our Christian faith to grow into the image of Christ. The Biblical definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13 is essentially selflessness. Jesus is our perfect example of love and selflessness. As we decrease in selfishness, we are less able to be hurt or offended. It is similar to the Bible verse that says "perfect love drives out fear".

It is possible to come to a point where an injury (even one with permanent effects) becomes less and less painful. It is nice when someone recognizes what they did and asks for forgiveness. This can become the basis for restored fellowship. However, even if you are the only one trying to get past some incident, you can make significant progress through Jesus.
 

Joshua David

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Feb 10, 2011
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I thought I had forgiven some people for awful things they did to me years ago, even though they were never open to reconciliation and honest communication (let alone apology) about the matter, and it was clear they did not want to have decent, sensible interaction.

I got alone and prayed, and asked God to help me let go of my resentment, my ego, and to make my heart right in this situation. I acknowledged and repented for my part in this, even though I felt like their wrong far outweighed mine. (And I still feel that way.)

Jesus told us to love our enemies. How do we love someone who seems to dislike us and not even give us a chance? They've made it clear they don't want any further communication with me, so writing them or trying to discuss anything is out of the question.

There seems to be no closure on this for me, which frustrates me further.

But the thing that troubles me most is, I still feel resentment toward them at times. Resentment that they hurt me so badly, that they wounded my spirit with what they did to me. And I often wonder, what would I do if I ran into them in a store or whatever. This is after I have prayed and asked God to help me love them regardless. All I can think of is how ugly they treated me. That's all I can see.

Has anyone else ever suffered with anything like this? And if so, were you ever able to get past it?

This is such a great topic, thank you Marta for sharing, and for opening up. The way that I have always thought about it is this way. Like Rach said, forgiveness is a decision not a feeling. And may I gently point out something. You have already made the decision to forgive them. :) That was the hard part. Now that the decisions been made, it is time to deal with the feelings. What you are feeling is natural. But remember, we are to love the people who despisefully use us. So how can we learn to deal with our feelings. We should not compare the wrong that they did to us, to the wrong that we did to them, that will get you no where. We should compare the wrong that they did to us, to the wrong that we have done to God. How many times have we spurned God's love of us? How long have we used and abused God precious gift of the sacrifice of his Son? How many times have we taken God for granted? How often do we go throughout the day without ever giving God a second thought?

When I think of how many times I have failed God, and how thankful I am that he has forgiven me, then I realize that any hurt that someone has done to me, pales in comparison to the numerous times that I have failed God. When I know that He is just to forgive, and I rest in His Love and in the assurance of His forgiveness, then it helps me let go of some of the anger and bitterness that I have in other people.

Just realize that this will not happen overnight, but it can happen, as long as you continue to try. But with all God has done for us, can we do any differently?

Joshua David


 

Foreigner

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I had a very difficult time forgiving certain people for specific acts intentionally committed against me.


When I say that I struggled, I mean that I S-T-R-U-G-G-L-E-D!


But God said we should pray for these people. Not that they see the error of their ways and come to make amends with us, but pray that they will prosper, be blessed, and come to know the happiness of a relationship with Jesus.


I was also reminded that I must repent of the bitterness and anger I had towards them. (Feelings that I felt justified in having.)


The first few times I literally choked on the words as I asked God to bless them in all areas. I literally had to strain to say the words through clenched teeth.


But it got easier to say, and eventually to actually mean. God did bless some of them greatly and prospered them in a worldly sense and that was something I had to come to grips with, as well.


But a miracle took place in me. My anger and bitterness bled away over a short period of time. I found I could think of them without suddenly having a terrible taste in my mouth and wishing that they would "learn their lesson."


In time, while I did not have a desire to be friends or be in contact with them, I did hope all was well with them. And I knew that if I met them on the street I would be pleasant and kind.


What an absolute miracle!


God also did another thing. It was painful for me, but needed. He repeated brought to mind sins that I have done to others in the past, both long ago and in the not-so-distant past. (Selfish, evil, abusive, painful things that I inflicted either out of my own pain or my own self-centeredness.)


I was shocked at my own past behavior. Both at what I had done and the fact that it had not felt bad for it or even remembered it.


I spent a lot of time seeking God's forgiveness and where I could, the forgiveness of those I had hurt.


Today, the insight into the way I was has helped to be much more forgiving and understanding of those who hurt me.


Painful lesson, but well worth it.
 
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Miss Hepburn

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People can be ignorant and stupid.
Do you get mad at a man with a crippled leg?
It's the same thing.
Ya can't be brought down to their level.
Keep your head high like Jesus -know who you are - and you will know who they are -
it's easy to forgive then.
 

rockytopva

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For ye had compassion of me in my bonds, and took joyfully the spoiling of your goods, knowing in yourselves that ye have in heaven a better and an enduring substance. - Hebrews 10:34

"Hurting people hurt other people. When the righteous understand this it makes it easy to turn the other cheek." - Zig Ziglar

Its only in knowing that we have a better reward in heaven that enables us the power to forgive.
 

WhiteKnuckle

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I heard an interesting explaination of this one time. I'll do my best to explain it.

Firstly, I looked up the definition. "To give up the will to punish". it's that simple.

Then, I thought about, How would I feel if someone punched me in the face? "Very freaking angry!"

What if I punched them back? "That's retaliation, not turning the other cheak, etc."

What if I walked away and never ever did anything against them? "Then I gave up the will to punish."

What if I get angry every time I see them or think of them? "Then you're human. But, you're not retaliating."

In time most of the wounds heal, and we move past them. Some take longer and are more hurtful than others.

The act of frogiving starts with giving up the will to punish.

Now, to the explaination that I heard.

Forgiving someone isn't letting them off the hook. They'll still be held accountable in one way or another. Either by you mistrusting them, or just avoiding them altogether.

Forgiving isn't for the other person either. It's for you! Why should you carry around all that weight? Let it go. It's healthy to forgive and move forward. It creates happiness inside. You have peace, and will have the freedo of mind to think what you want without fear.

Not saying it's easy, but, you owe it to yourself not to torture yourself with these horrible feelings. On top of it, you're beating yourself up over forgiving them! You don't need any more weight to bear.

They dont' want to talk it out, no problem. Move on with your life and get right with yourself and your mind, and God. That's the best you can do.

Nothing you think, or decide is contengent on someone else cooperating with your plans. You'll find that many times in life people have no desire to reconcile differences. Sad but true.

Treat yourself better and take the steps you feel you need to take to move forward and have peace within yourself.
 
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Selene

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Apr 12, 2010
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I heard an interesting explaination of this one time. I'll do my best to explain it.

Firstly, I looked up the definition. "To give up the will to punish". it's that simple.

Then, I thought about, How would I feel if someone punched me in the face? "Very freaking angry!"

What if I punched them back? "That's retaliation, not turning the other cheak, etc."

What if I walked away and never ever did anything against them? "Then I gave up the will to punish."

What if I get angry every time I see them or think of them? "Then you're human. But, you're not retaliating."

In time most of the wounds heal, and we move past them. Some take longer and are more hurtful than others.

The act of frogiving starts with giving up the will to punish.

Now, to the explaination that I heard.

Forgiving someone isn't letting them off the hook. They'll still be held accountable in one way or another. Either by you mistrusting them, or just avoiding them altogether.

Forgiving isn't for the other person either. It's for you! Why should you carry around all that weight? Let it go. It's healthy to forgive and move forward. It creates happiness inside. You have peace, and will have the freedo of mind to think what you want without fear.

Not saying it's easy, but, you owe it to yourself not to torture yourself with these horrible feelings. On top of it, you're beating yourself up over forgiving them! You don't need any more weight to bear.

They dont' want to talk it out, no problem. Move on with your life and get right with yourself and your mind, and God. That's the best you can do.

Nothing you think, or decide is contengent on someone else cooperating with your plans. You'll find that many times in life people have no desire to reconcile differences. Sad but true.

Treat yourself better and take the steps you feel you need to take to move forward and have peace within yourself.

Well said. Thank you for sharing this. I often find it hard to forgive. It does take time. I find that the more I dwell on what the person did to me, the harder to forgive and the more difficult to move forward.
 

horsecamp

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Feb 1, 2008
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I thought I had forgiven some people for awful things they did to me years ago, even though they were never open to reconciliation and honest communication (let alone apology) about the matter, and it was clear they did not want to have decent, sensible interaction.

I got alone and prayed, and asked God to help me let go of my resentment, my ego, and to make my heart right in this situation. I acknowledged and repented for my part in this, even though I felt like their wrong far outweighed mine. (And I still feel that way.)

Jesus told us to love our enemies. How do we love someone who seems to dislike us and not even give us a chance? They've made it clear they don't want any further communication with me, so writing them or trying to discuss anything is out of the question.

There seems to be no closure on this for me, which frustrates me further.

But the thing that troubles me most is, I still feel resentment toward them at times. Resentment that they hurt me so badly, that they wounded my spirit with what they did to me. And I often wonder, what would I do if I ran into them in a store or whatever. This is after I have prayed and asked God to help me love them regardless. All I can think of is how ugly they treated me. That's all I can see.

Has anyone else ever suffered with anything like this? And if so, were you ever able to get past it?


of course :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLvY7k3EW40&feature=related
 

Robbie

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Jan 4, 2011
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Jesus came to set us free from negativity... and living in a state of unforgiveness is a really negative state... something my Mom told me since I was a kid was, 'Don't give people free rent in your head" In other words holding unforgiveness in ourselves is just giving negative thoughts about people free rent to live in our head when those thoughts don't do anything for a person except hurt us.

So when we forgive someone the person we're really setting free is us...
 

Marta

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Mar 29, 2011
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Thank you, each one of you, for the most beautiful, caring and heartfelt replies I could ever ask for. I was reading these and nodding and going: "Yes, yes, oh yes, I totally relate!" You have no idea. I am so grateful to each one of you for what you had to say and the fresh new ways of looking at this you gave me that I so desperately needed. I had been holding on to bitterness and anger and trying to whitewash it as feeling victimized and confused.

Thank you for helping me realize this and see that the problem really is within me, and that if I obey Him, it will all work out as it's supposed to! I think I can finally let it go now. And I never thought I'd be able to say that.

You guys are amazing. Thank you.
 

Duckybill

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Feb 12, 2010
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Forgiving others is not a request. It is mandatory for receiving forgiveness of our sins.

Mark 11:25-26 (NKJV)
[sup]25 [/sup]"And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. [sup]26 [/sup]
But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses."

 

religusnut

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Oct 19, 2010
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Forgiveness lets you off the hook not the other person. You holding on to unforgiveness is like you drinking poison and expecting them to die from it.

As is stated more than once above it is a conscious choice that you have to make.

One powerful way that I see people set free is by using a model of this prayer:
Heavenly Father I purpose and I choose to forgive________ for _______ to me.
I release __________ for ___________ and I cancel his/her debt to me.
I cancel his/her debt to me in this matter.
In the name of Jesus I cancel Satan's authority over me in this memory because it is forgiven.
Holy Spirit heal my heart and tell me your truth's about this situation.

Once you pray that prayer stop and listen and observe. Most times you will immediately be communicated to by the Holy Spirit.

Many times it will be by a the feeling of a burden lifting. Possibly it will be a warmth or the feeling of a comfortable presence. Other times something else will immediately come to mind that you need to pray that same prayer for to forgive that same person for that they did to you as well..

I know this works I see it help daily.
 

IanLC

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Mar 22, 2011
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Forgiveness is truly a hard thing to do. I have not mastered it completely neithr has anyone else. There are still some people that I have not forgiven and there are some that I have. But before we can forgive anyone else we have to forgive ourselves. Your own self may be the hardest person to forgive. But when someone has hrut us so bad and if you are in a continuel hurt phase (my Dad and myself I can not forgive him right now. maybe when I move out. He does things continuely to hurt and cause me great afflication) it is hard to forgive them. Sometimes we get avoidance and forgiveness mixed up just because you have not seen with a person or dealt with a person for a while does not mean you have forgiven them! Forgiveness is an act and a process. it can not happen overnight in some cases. But ask god to help you to forgive everyday and He will make it easier to!

Shalom and God bless you my friend in Christ Jesus!