Abusive Relationship- Marriage

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martinlawrencescott

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Apr 6, 2011
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I was reading some views about this somewhere else, and I thought I'd post my own.

Marriage is held according to two different laws. One is by God alone. "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” The 2nd is our law and culture (or else there would never be divorce). The trouble is that we confuse the two. I believe God preordains marriage, and would not preordain an abusive relationship. That, by definition, would be a continual sin, not a one time offense. God knows who would and wouldn't commit the former. That means, many who are married in an abusive relationship are married only under our law and culture and not under God's ordinance, in which case it was a sin to marry in the first place. Our relationship with God is about freedom and not abuse. God doesn't condone Christ beating up the church, and that is what many "marriages" are symbolic of today.

In the case of abuse, the one who is abused has the freedom to stay or leave. The reason is, the first law hasn't existed in their marriage, and the second law is a covenant based on love. Once the lawful and cultural covenant of love is broken by either party, the offended can leave without guilt, because God had not joined them in the first place. Sex does not equal God's ordinance, just as God's ordinance does not equal sex. God can ordain 2 people to be together, but due to sin and disobedience, these two people may marry completely other people. God may in turn bless these marriages if they eventually reflect Christ's love. As such, if the abused in a relationship decides to stay, God may ordain this marriage based on the choice of the one who has taken Christ-like initiative, and the abuser, if a non Christian, may come to Christ because of it. This also shows the great lengths God goes to to set us up with the right person.

If marriage is held on a standard of our own governance and law, then it is very fragile due to the fact that our ceremonies bind the marriage based on love, which can be broken on almost any account of any sin (As seen in Jewish law and custom). According to God's ordinance, this love is assumed, and so is binding based on the foreknowledge of the character of Christ that God has of the married couple, and so is forever binding. In that sense, you can't separate a God ordained marriage from faith, though God can always transform a marriage he didn't choose initially, but foreknew and ordained anyway by transforming each individual person.

Thoughts?
 

Angelina

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That means, many who are married in an abusive relationship are married only under our law and culture and not under God's ordinance, in which case it was a sin to marry in the first place.

I disagree with this concept because it negates any responsibility held by an abusive partner [Christian or not]. A person who abuses their partner has a serious problem and sometimes this is only evident after marriage. This will continue to be a problem until that partner deals with the issues he/she has brought into that relationship.

God can ordain 2 people to be together, but due to sin and disobedience, these two people may marry completely other people.
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Again...I disagree with this idea because it assumes that a person has married the wrong person and that there is another person out there whom they should have married. That is the very reason why many Christians divorce today...because they think they have married the wrong person. Most times though...it's because they have not understood that marriage comes with responsibilities. After the "rose colored glasses" are removed and the desire to be attached to the hip 24/7 begins to wane...the commitment stage kicks in...this is when the rubber really hits the road...commitment is the key to longevity in any marriage whether your a believer or not. ^_^ JM
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from an observers pov...

Shalom!!!
 

Strat

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Abuse is sin period,it should not be tolerated unless one actually believes it is God's will for one to be abused by another,if you believe that throw away your bible and give it up...it's simple realy...all the verbal gymnastics just offers the abuser an excuse and no hope for the one abused.
 
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martinlawrencescott

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To Angelina-

What you seem to be telling me is that once two people have held their marriage ceremony (male and female), they are under God's ordinance and should never be separated with the exception of adultery as stated.

The truth is, Christians don't divorce today because they think they married the right person. I argue Christians today divorce because they didn't marry the right person. I argue that there should be a lot more divorce and a lot less marriage done by Christians, until there is a proper consideration of these core values. What good is marriage if it doesn't properly reflect Christian virtues? The problem with Christians is that we/they don't understand God to a point where we can respect our partners. How can God ordain a marriage with this lack of understanding of basic virtue? The problem is deeper than marriage and divorce. The problem revolves around basic Christian understanding of God's law.

If God is, and if we are created in his image, then marriage should be an impossible feat for the world because our image was scewed by sin. The problem is, God ordains marriages of both Christians and non Christians alike. Many non Christian marriages offer better examples of Christ-like love than "Christian" marriages. The point is, God is responsible for marriage. So if two people marry and then there is abuse, then God was responsible? Do you see what I'm getting at here?

It makes both rational and biblical sense to go back to the word and see how marriage falls under two separate laws. Marriage existed before the law was given, and so is held accountable to a greater law and standard. If God's ordinance never existed for a couple in the first place, what is keeping them together? Of course love and character can be formed after this point, but it's almost as though a Christian has become a Christian a 2nd time, once in spirit, and another in understanding, for this debacle to occur in the first place. I don't usually pull the whole, go back to God's law thing, but I'm fairly adamant about this topic. Our freedom of choice is paramount in Christianity. We don't enter marriage and place ourselves under chains. When God ordains our marriage, he ordains our choice in His, and His freedom for our lives, for us to do exactly what we want to do if it is according to His will.

I'll state sorta how Rex says it. Do what thou wilt. That shall be the whole of the law. As it should be, once everything I do is everything God would have me do, and once my will is made perfect with his, this truth will be made certain. That's why I say God's ordinance in marriage can't be separated from faith. Would God marry two people who would at one point have a habitually sinful abusive relationship against one another? The issue of kids within marriage before divorce doesn't change this. I can't think other exceptions beside adultery, as scripture states, where God's ordination is pretty much spat upon.

What I didn't address is people who divorce outside of what I stated. Christians who call abuse where none is found in order to remove themselves from a rightfully ordained marriage. These are the people you and we as a church should have a problem with. I find no excuse for them.
 

Stan

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Firstly, I'm not convinced as some, that God has predestined people for our lives.
Secondly, love is a command and a voluntary action. We don't FALL in love, we practise love. We perfect it. We put in on.
Thirdly, abuse and fighting are two different things. Fighting is normal for humans and especially couples. How we deal with it is the key. Abusing another probably starts before marriage, and I have met some wives who were very abusive to their husbands. Although God can work in these relationships, I don't believe he expects anyone to stick around and suffer the abuse.
 
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martinlawrencescott

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I think I agree with what you're saying Stan. The one part I'm not sure on is how God chooses who we should marry. I am personally for the "God chooses two specific people" option, because I've seen this occur in scripture, especially concerning Christ's lineage. God not only used specific couples which He chose, but he grafted people in, much how we see relationships work in Christian marriage today? But, could His ordinance exist otherwise? Could God, say, have 5 people whom we would be a good match for and He would ordain marriage with the one you chose? I am not sure, but I can't find an example of this in scripture, unless there is one I'm not aware of.

The other option is, as long as we're Christian and we marry another Christian of the opposite sex, God has blessed it. I would disagree here based on what I mentioned above, and it's too general a statement to fit by principle within our cultural and national laws and practices. According to this principle, the more freedom we have to marry by law and culture, the more people we can rightly choose from. If this is true, then in America I could rightfully marry any other Christian woman above the age of 18, because this is both culturally and legally acceptable. If you hold this view, which I believe many do, and rely on instinct as well as a few basic Christian principles, then I guess that's okay, as long as you stay married. You don't have a foundation for leaving under any circumstances except adultery. What started out seeming like a concept that gives more freedom, in my eyes, gives less, and gives less room to find the right person. This has less to do with divorce and more to do with finding the right person before marriage so complication doesn't occur. That was my rationalization.

So I'm clear, I believe those who are married "should" stay married as those who are single should stay that way unless they're horny beyond control and thus should "be controlled" by their spouse, *wink wink*. What I am promoting is the freedom of choice you have both inside and outside a marriage, for those who seek to maintain a seasoned obedience dependent on voice which precedes letter.
 

Stan

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Actually, adultery is NOT a valid reason to leave a marriage, or no more valid than being abused.

I suggest you read Matthew 19:3-10.... sexual immorality is NOT adultery as the verses clearly explain.
 

martinlawrencescott

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Apr 6, 2011
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Good point. I didn't realize the term he was referring to was broader than just adultery. However, wouldn't adultery fall into the category of sexual immorality? Or is it less broad, and more specific?

Matthew 15:19
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

This verse separates the two. Adultery seems to be specific of someone who is married, but I don't see why it isn't categorized with sexual immorality. Why the differentiation?
 

Stan

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Good point. I didn't realize the term he was referring to was broader than just adultery. However, wouldn't adultery fall into the category of sexual immorality? Or is it less broad, and more specific?

Matthew 15:19
For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.

This verse separates the two. Adultery seems to be specific of someone who is married, but I don't see why it isn't categorized with sexual immorality. Why the differentiation?


Adultery is specifically dealt with in the written law. Adultery in the NT is the Greek word moicheia, and is NOT just performed by married people, but requires at least ONE married person. The Greek word for sexual immorality is porneia. This porneia is depicted in Leviticus 18:6-18. Adultery in the Bible, is NOT considered sexual immorality, strange as that may sound.
The best I've ever read on this issue is at the following website; Divorce and remarriage
I encourage everyone to take the time to read it.