how stop clicking throat?

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Bibliocentrist

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Every time i swallow there is hell/annoying click in my throat, plus all my throat/nose/head sounds hollow-like when tap it.
It is always worse/worst when i want/go to try to do my off-computer/off-net/on-paper studies, and is stopping me from being able to do them (i already have alot of other troubles making hard to be able to do my studies but this one is impossible hell and i can't do them at all. I have to swallow just like i have to breathe (thru nose) etc.)

Does anyone know any preferably natural or else medical solutions?

I am not able to get to a doctor/gp because of my hell situation/condition, plus other past/present external/internal reasons.
I know lots of possible reasons why that might be the cause but i can't do much about them because of situation/condition (which this trouble and the possible reasons are due to):
- infected ears from having to wear ear plugs all the time (misophonia, + noisy attached neighbours & neighbourhood, + need to do studies).
- infected sinus or nose lining from having to fiddle with Bent-inside nose (because someone punched me in face when sitting down 20 years ago, and because tickling hairs everytime i breathe annoying me)
- damaged throat from incidents or from bad posture.
- thick tongue [or mucus?] from lack of exercise and too much carbs/food.
- external uncleanliness &/or oral/dental uncleanilness.
- chemical or biological poison/s (incl fluoride) (or allergins) in delivered water or in food (including from yoghurt).
- not enough water (because have to ration water due to fluoridation and plumbing troubles here).
- radiation from computer or smart meters.
- past acid reflux.
- fume from the flats repainting
- from neighbours spraying outside my window.
The hollowness seems to indicate interconnected ENT troubles is most likely.

I never had this trouble before though until the last year or so, though i did have burbling in throat sometimes in previous years (has come back a little bit too).

I know people don't care/no one cares (or will just say goto doctor/psych), but worth asking anyway as it is driving me mad and i don't want to end-up in mental unit or other similar bad. (Not being able to do my studies is one of the two things in this world that make me Very miserable/angry (the other is being single & aging).)

(Any christians could pray, but i tried alot/some and either God doesn't exist or he is punishing me for my badness.)

(Sorry if too personal info but I do not have much choice as this is driving me insane and i have to explain a few things.)
 

lforrest

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I care and think others do too. But when it comes to health matters there isn't much most can do except pray. Lets not under-estimate the power of prayer, or God's plans for us that are beyond our comprehension.


I read Adam's apple clicking may be related to skeletal muscular configuration of the neck. Changing posture or strengthening certain muscles around the neck may be part of the treatment, A skilled specialist should be qualified to give better advice.
 

Angelina

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I will pray for you ~
1415pgy.gif


Father,
Your word tells us that "you are the Lord that heals us", that "you heal all our diseases" "by your stripes, we are healed, by your wounds, we are healed." Father, I stand in the gap on behalf of brother Biblio and ask according to your word ~ that you heal him. Please send the Holy Spirit and completely heal him of this infirmity and everything associated with it. Please heal his throat, his nasal passages, his ears, please heal his respiratory tract and any Neurological or Otolaryngolical disorders of any kind. I ask this Father, by faith ~ in Jesus mighty name!

Thank you Lord! Thank you Father!
2wgt3lt.gif
 

Raeneske

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Bibliocentrist said:
Every time i swallow there is hell/annoying click in my throat, plus all my throat/nose/head sounds hollow-like when tap it.
It is always worse/worst when i want/go to try to do my off-computer/off-net/on-paper studies, and is stopping me from being able to do them (i already have alot of other troubles making hard to be able to do my studies but this one is impossible hell and i can't do them at all. I have to swallow just like i have to breathe (thru nose) etc.)

Does anyone know any preferably natural or else medical solutions?

I am not able to get to a doctor/gp because of my hell situation/condition, plus other past/present external/internal reasons.
I know lots of possible reasons why that might be the cause but i can't do much about them because of situation/condition (which this trouble and the possible reasons are due to):
- infected ears from having to wear ear plugs all the time (misophonia, + noisy attached neighbours & neighbourhood, + need to do studies).
- infected sinus or nose lining from having to fiddle with Bent-inside nose (because someone punched me in face when sitting down 20 years ago, and because tickling hairs everytime i breathe annoying me)
- damaged throat from incidents or from bad posture.
- thick tongue [or mucus?] from lack of exercise and too much carbs/food.
- external uncleanliness &/or oral/dental uncleanilness.
- chemical or biological poison/s (incl fluoride) (or allergins) in delivered water or in food (including from yoghurt).
- not enough water (because have to ration water due to fluoridation and plumbing troubles here).
- radiation from computer or smart meters.
- past acid reflux.
- fume from the flats repainting
- from neighbours spraying outside my window.
The hollowness seems to indicate interconnected ENT troubles is most likely.

I never had this trouble before though until the last year or so, though i did have burbling in throat sometimes in previous years (has come back a little bit too).

I know people don't care/no one cares (or will just say goto doctor/psych), but worth asking anyway as it is driving me mad and i don't want to end-up in mental unit or other similar bad. (Not being able to do my studies is one of the two things in this world that make me Very miserable/angry (the other is being single & aging).)

(Any christians could pray, but i tried alot/some and either God doesn't exist or he is punishing me for my badness.)

(Sorry if too personal info but I do not have much choice as this is driving me insane and i have to explain a few things.)
I do not know the cause of the clicking. But if I may, I hope to offer some advice.

Water. I encourage you to consume more water rich fruits. The more you eat these, the less you will call for water. Even if you have to eat the conventional quality fruits, conventional is better than none at all. It will help take care of your food needs, and water needs. In the case of the coated tongue, eating a fruit diet for a few days may even help (I do not know why your tongue is coated). Go out, and get the best apples that you can (if not, conventional quality is acceptable), and eat nothing but those varieties of apples for two days. Enjoy richly the food God has given to us to be enjoyed.

Go outside, and get some sunlight. Take a nice walk through nature. If it is snowy, open the window and let some fresh air in the house. Exercise some. Home body-weight workouts are beneficial, especially if you are the type to not really do any exercising.


You need to attack this healthfully on all angles. A complete change in lifestyle will enable you to live in greater health. Do though, take it one step at a time.

Please note that I am not a doctor, and any advice taken is taken at your own "risk". You understand your situation more than I do. If you are withholding things from us, please take that into consideration as well.
 

Bibliocentrist

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Thankyou everyone.

Thankyou for the prayer. It is a little bit better today but still having some trouble so like still walking on eggshells. Maybe problem is that I read in James that if i doubt then i can't expect anything from God, and i do doubt because things are so bad outside and inside (for years/life).
(Maybe i am under devils attack. Last night the neighbours decided to play their stereo really loud.)

I do not think i am withholding anything major raesnake, i can't say too much because of mental health act (i could be locked up for anywhere from 5 days to 6 months with virtually no rights and i am single at 42 and can't risk that). Of course i have past sins, and present sins struggles.
I know i need a better lifestyle (sunlight, exercise, cleanliness, social, walk/nature, variety/rest, diet, not have to wear ear plugs all the time, fun, etc), but am not able to do anything much about it due to situation/condition. (I have ocd/aspergers/misophonia/ptsd and bad situation so i not able to get out much. Attached neigbours troubles, and other troubles re getting out (clothes, plumbing, location, etc). No one will help except pastor helps with water when he can.)
The apples in shops here don't say if sprayed or not (and if un/fluoridated) and they are all bruised under the skin (i have to cut slices and hold up to light and cut out all the brown bruises all over the place). (My mother says same, she has to peel them. But the needed pectin is in the skin.)

Sean B (NZ).
 

Bibliocentrist

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It looks like God may have given me a partial answer (presumably due to peoples un/known prayers). I urgently need to get disinfectant/antiseptic - any/all of hyssop oil/carvacrol, &/or detol, (&/or citris fruit or vit c, (&/or salt)). (But pref natural not artificial/chemical/toxic sources.) (Plus i need to wait until a as warm and sunny as possible day and wash all my clothes and bed clothes.)

Unfortunately it is only a partial answer. I am not able to do much because of the system/"society"/"community/socio-economic/etc (accomodation & location & water & plumbing & clothes etc) other half/part. The mental (ocd etc) is also part of problem (making it difficult to be clean), but i am not sure whether that is part of un/cleanliness (caused/solved) or whether it is not and is separate.
Also unfortunately i have to stay isolated/separated/outside until clean.
 

Bibliocentrist

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I give up. I can't believe in a God that is so harsh / uncaring / mean / cruel. I am obviously being punished for my past sins and present faults. It is all Law and consequences and no grace/mercy. The last 6-7 or so years i tried to believe has been the worst years/Hell of my "life". This clicking throat is just the last unbearable/unbearible suffering. The last 6-7 years i have had sisters suicide, smart meters troubles (my power may be cut off in april), fluoridated water & plumbing troubles, clicking throat, went blind a couple of times in one eye, unable to do my studies (hundreds of pages past attempts), gone past 6 birthdays still single and aging (now 42/43 in may), uncleanliness troubles, noise & attached neighbours troubles (including threat of them call company share flat lawyers on me), ripped off hundreds of dollars on clothes that turned out unsuitable, lack of sunlight and threat of arthritis/rickets, 3 women reject me, lost access to a years worth study notes on computer hdd because of bad new windows 7/8 and bad new fibre optics broad band changes etc, been poisoned, work testing act passed, etc etc etc. And the future is looking Hell in NZ & western world (corporatism are moving in on digitalisation, smart meters, work testing/benefit reforms, drones, chem trails/trials, haarp, mental health act, water privatisation, etc, and still water fluoridation, sprayed food, poison dyed/bleached clothes, etc. Half this country voted back in the national party here last year. Thats half this country are pro mean cruel new right economic corporatism)

Apart from pastor helping with water (& one or two other things) there is no positives/good just all negatives/bad. (And even the pastor i have to trust not poison which is hard when suffering clicking throat etc.)

As if i haven't already suffered enough Hell in my "life" (multiple foster placements/schools/shifts, poisoned by mercury fillings and half/a dozen other things, abused, single & alone for 20 years, noisy neighbours/neighbourhoods the last 20 years, lost 15 years study notes in a crisis, cursed with mental illnesses (ocd, aspergers), forever lost 20 best/youngest years Love (will never know young love at 20s/30s years old), etc.

Don't tell me "we will have tribulation in the world" and Adam curse to work etc because he also claimed "consolation/comfort", "love", healing, "grace/mercy", yoke/burden light/easy, etc.

Maybe i am just bad soil.

Things are just to Hell/bad inside and outside.
Either there is no God or else i am being punished for sins/faults.

I don't fit anywhere, i have no home no family no nation/race/culture identity/belonging. I tried christianity/christians, nazism, etc etc. I am just a reject misfit . God does so make mistakes or else evolution is true and some of us are just unfit/inferior slaves. I hate myself & mean humanity & mean God. (I hope that doesn't get me banned, though i can't post anymore if not christian anymore.) Thanks to judeo-christainity I am darn double-minded and unstable in all ways.

God punishes me for past sins/present faults, and people ban me from mailing etc because i abit negative, but God/people don't punish all the other bad people/system, and i can't cut off all the hell negatives i am suffering.
People's happy/bad feelings are said to be effected by whether day is sunny or overcast, and whether winter or summer; and people once complained here because was raining for a couple of weeks, yet i am always made out to be so bad/negative for not being able to suffer Hell in silence. People often say i am negative yet i see many people are negative just in a different way. Christianity even seems to always preach tribulation/trials/etc as being "good". Where is the "Good news"?
 

Born_Again

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My friend, God is not punishing you. God does not hate you. And you are certainly not bad soil. We are often faced with trials. Some are small but some are bigger and take longer. God can answer prayers quickly but when He does not He is trying to teach us. He is trying to build us and make us stronger so we can become the person we were created to be. You have given up, but I tell you, do not give up. Do not doubt. God will lead us into deep waters but will not let us drown. He leads us through the fire but we will not get burned. He is always with us. Regardless. But if He wants you to learn and grow He may let go of our hands. Yes, we will stumble but we must pick ourselves back up. Where is the "Good News"? The good news is that God will deliver you but you must not doubt! I can not stress that enough.

God will not fail you. But you have to trust Him. Completely trust Him. If I may, do you have a past to forgive? Do you need to forgive someone else? Do you need someone else's forgiveness? During the trials in your life, tell Him you know you cant do this on your own. Hand the wheel over to Him. I pray for you, friend.

The enemy can easily attack the spiritually weak. How strong is your faith. I guess it isn't very strong if you doubt at the level you doubt Him. Satan can easily convince you that there is no hope and certainly cause you to continue to have problems. But if you do not have total faith in God, you can continue to stumble. I know this all from my own experience. Check my blogs sometime and you can see my rollercoaster ride I had only a couple months ago.

I didn't get the desired outcome but the outcome was His will and I'm much better now and could never deny Him. God does not punish per say, He lets us learn. He has a plan for all of us. We just have to trust in His will and know that it is good.

How do you think Christ felt? He is the son of God, yet the church persecuted Him and crucified Him. When Christ was on the cross, He was scared. He cried out to God. God could have saved Him from that cross at any point but He didn't, It was His will and turned out to be the greatest victory in history. Christ was able to essentially laugh in the face of Satan and tell him he had lost the battle.

Christ was tortured. And even as He hung on that cross, He asked God to forgive the people. This is the love of Christ. He has this same love for you but you have to truly accept Him as your savior. I urge you give God another chance. Because He is the God of 2nd chances. He will always take you back. He knows you are suffering. But He also know you do not trust Him. Trust Him. Give your trouble over to Him and stay faithful and do not doubt. He will carry you.

:) I am praying for you dear friend.
God Bless,
BA
 

7angels

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Bibliocentrist said:
I give up. I can't believe in a God that is so harsh / uncaring / mean / cruel. I am obviously being punished for my past sins and present faults. It is all Law and consequences and no grace/mercy. The last 6-7 or so years i tried to believe has been the worst years/Hell of my "life". This clicking throat is just the last unbearable/unbearible suffering. The last 6-7 years i have had sisters suicide, smart meters troubles (my power may be cut off in april), fluoridated water & plumbing troubles, clicking throat, went blind a couple of times in one eye, unable to do my studies (hundreds of pages past attempts), gone past 6 birthdays still single and aging (now 42/43 in may), uncleanliness troubles, noise & attached neighbours troubles (including threat of them call company share flat lawyers on me), ripped off hundreds of dollars on clothes that turned out unsuitable, lack of sunlight and threat of arthritis/rickets, 3 women reject me, lost access to a years worth study notes on computer hdd because of bad new windows 7/8 and bad new fibre optics broad band changes etc, been poisoned, work testing act passed, etc etc etc. And the future is looking Hell in NZ & western world (corporatism are moving in on digitalisation, smart meters, work testing/benefit reforms, drones, chem trails/trials, haarp, mental health act, water privatisation, etc, and still water fluoridation, sprayed food, poison dyed/bleached clothes, etc. Half this country voted back in the national party here last year. Thats half this country are pro mean cruel new right economic corporatism)

Apart from pastor helping with water (& one or two other things) there is no positives/good just all negatives/bad. (And even the pastor i have to trust not poison which is hard when suffering clicking throat etc.)

As if i haven't already suffered enough Hell in my "life" (multiple foster placements/schools/shifts, poisoned by mercury fillings and half/a dozen other things, abused, single & alone for 20 years, noisy neighbours/neighbourhoods the last 20 years, lost 15 years study notes in a crisis, cursed with mental illnesses (ocd, aspergers), forever lost 20 best/youngest years Love (will never know young love at 20s/30s years old), etc.

Don't tell me "we will have tribulation in the world" and Adam curse to work etc because he also claimed "consolation/comfort", "love", healing, "grace/mercy", yoke/burden light/easy, etc.

Maybe i am just bad soil.

Things are just to Hell/bad inside and outside.
Either there is no God or else i am being punished for sins/faults.

I don't fit anywhere, i have no home no family no nation/race/culture identity/belonging. I tried christianity/christians, nazism, etc etc. I am just a reject misfit . God does so make mistakes or else evolution is true and some of us are just unfit/inferior slaves. I hate myself & mean humanity & mean God. (I hope that doesn't get me banned, though i can't post anymore if not christian anymore.) Thanks to judeo-christainity I am darn double-minded and unstable in all ways.

God punishes me for past sins/present faults, and people ban me from mailing etc because i abit negative, but God/people don't punish all the other bad people/system, and i can't cut off all the hell negatives i am suffering.
People's happy/bad feelings are said to be effected by whether day is sunny or overcast, and whether winter or summer; and people once complained here because was raining for a couple of weeks, yet i am always made out to be so bad/negative for not being able to suffer Hell in silence. People often say i am negative yet i see many people are negative just in a different way. Christianity even seems to always preach tribulation/trials/etc as being "good". Where is the "Good news"?
ok i have been given permission to tell you that God has healed you. i want you to find a way to measure all you clicking in your throat. find out how many times a minute you do it or how often during the day you do it. this is so you can see the progress for yourself because i already know you are healed because God told me. i await your testimony.

God bless
 

Bibliocentrist

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7angels:
I wasn't expecting that (though i have often thought why no one ever says God told). Thank you / God for telling me. I will try get back to you in a few days or week, as i won't know whether it is better/gone.
It has been happening everytime i swallow, especially when i need/want to study off-computer, but i not notice so much on computer/net.
I hope that means there are one or a few other things i not told that i also hurting about.

BA:
It is very hard to have faith/forgive when things are so bad for so long/life outside & inside, and when forever lost so much (even if my fault). It says that love is greater than faith?
If God lessens the unbearable then i have no choice and can't give up even though i half don't feel that i want to. (Maybe not/give up is not quite correct since i not very good at praying, reading, etc. I was reading the bible every day for 6 years but not the last months that this clicking and other things been really hell.) Thankyou for needed prayer/s.
 

Shirley

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Your post has brought me to tears! I feel the pain and intense suffering that you are going through. You are all alone, so no wonder you have trouble with Faith and trust. No family and no friends and you have trouble trusting the preacher also. I wonder if you have ever felt unconditional love? One thing I learned that helped me is that God does not make us sick! Everyone will be subjected to pain and suffering until God restores things but it is Satan who makes us sick not God! I would really encourage you to see a Doctor if in any way possible! One thing I have been doing for my sinuses is taking Colloidal silver. Swishing it in my mouth and sniffing up my nose. It is said to be a natural antibiotic. I am praying that God will send you a friend who will love you unconditionally so you will be well enough to find a partner. It must be so hard for you to live with constant noise also. Feel so bad for you about that. I wonder if playing Christian music would make the noise of the others more bearable? My mother has serious sensitivities to noise and I know other people usually do not understand You call yourself a misfit, but God sees you as his most special child!!!! He loves you so much and wants to help you! I am praying that you will really feel just how much God loves you and that he will let you feel his loving arms around you. I pray that he will remind you that you are his and that he has given you many special talents. remember that most people called the prophets crazy! My heart and love goes out to you dear Brother. May God give you peace and may you truly feel his love! May all your fears and worries be cast far from you! May God's blessings come to you in a mighty way! May you have no fear and know that God's angels will protect you! Peace and Love to you from Sister Shirley
 
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Bibliocentrist

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It looks like i won't know until at least 7 days. I guess it is better than it was but still not gone and still not been able to do studies.
Even if it does get healed i still have all the other bad things outside and inside, and the reason/s why this happened is not fixed (fluoridated water, plumbing problems, neighbours, situation, location, ocd, bent nose, having to wear earplugs all the time, bad mouth/words, impure mind, etc).

Thank-you Shirley.

Even God's love seems conditional that i have to do &/or not do things or continue have hell "life".
But I know i am suffering this because of my past sins & present badness/faults/sins, and my ancestors sins.
And it looks like i am bader inside than knew, I feel bad and don't feel very genuine at the moment, i can't keep my mouth shut and stop cursing and swearing and have faith, and i don't feel like seeking/praying/reading or feel thankful. Though maybe since i tried 6 years this is sabbatical or maybe 6 years trying was pointless since 6 number of man .
If only i could have faith and keep my negative mouth shut. (Though i know it is not enough just to keep mouth shut by will, like that 'Monk' program where the buddhist monk had not spoken for years but Monk exasperated him so much he broke it and had to start again. And can't keep mouth shut if my heart is bad.)
I am tired i just want to be able to relax or have faith, and not be worried about every thing i do/don't do/say/think/feel/suffer.


The music is a good idea, but i don't have a music player or radio etc, and sometimes i just want quiet not background noise.

I have heard of colloidal silver too but i am wary of heavy metals (like mercury fillings which i got removed). Calcium bentonite clay is good for detox.
I can't see a doctor because i can't get out much with ocd & situation (especially for appointments), and because of the mental health act (could be locked up for anywhere from 5 days to 6 months) (can't trust system), and alot of medcines/medications have poisons in them.
I know the things i need to be more healthy (sunlight, exercise, better diet, variety, fun/humour, social/fellowship, not speak bad words, faith, pray, read bible, cleanliness, love, etc) but not able to do much because of sitution & condition.
The cleanliness and hyssop oil seems pretty good, but they say the oil is only external use and they charge tons for tiny amount (5/10/15/50 mls).
(I found out about the cleanliness and hyssop oil from Grant Jeffrey's book 'signature of God'.)

I also tried to join a messianic forum (ahavat elohim) but tech problems not being able to register.

(If my throat gets better i may not be one again for a week as i need to not be on computer/net so (too) much & to do some other things.)
 

Shirley

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I understand that it is too hard for you to pray right now! I am praying for you! Might not mean a lot to you but I care!!! Your suffering is unbearable! I pray that God will give you peace!
 
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Bibliocentrist

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The throat seems alot better (thanks) though still a worry sometimes. But i am now in a major low. I almost died this last fri/sat from a mistake with the hyssop oil (i blacked out, was sick on floor (can't remember), had sore bones all over, etc) and have been low ever since. Not sure if it damaged my brain. Perhaps i would have been better if i had of died rather than go on suffering hell. Its this cursed mental illness(es) and living in fear of the mental health act every day that is the worst thing, and being too mad/sad (at all i've lost and am suffering) to have faith that makes me feel so condemned. Anyway thanks and sorry.
 

Bibliocentrist

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pom2014 said:
Bibliocentrist if you know you're mentally ill why don't you seek treatment?

Because this system is evil and only forces their bad "help" and refuse to help with things i ask that i need/want (including things that they are doing to me like fluoridated water and smart meters).
Because they just push *poisonous ingredients* "medications" (and cbt). Plus i had trpouble with sideeffects on previous occasions (eg twitching leg). Believe me, if there was anything i could take that would fix my "life" without any major worries i would jump at it.

Because of the 'mental health act' i am too scared i that could be locked up for anywhere from 5 days to 6 months (at 42 yrs old) with practically no rights.

Because the "health" system never helped me on previous times. There were things i found out about that they never told me about like the heavy metals in dusty water from water sitting in tap fittings, mercury fillings, fluoridated water, etc.
(I even felt sorry for the fish in the fish tank at the mental health clinic.)

Because if God wants/wanted me to got to mental health why didn't he tell/show me to or help me to for the 6 years i tried to have faith?

Because it is not fair that God cursed me with mental illness (even if my past/present sin/s fault &/or ancestors sins fault). Not fair that i have to go on medication and everyone else doesn't.

Because would you trust "health" people that dump fluoride and alluminium in the water? And sprays our food?

Becuase i can't even get out any much esp for appointments.

Because last times i tried mental health system they delayed me for weeks/month/s. Last time 3 weeks just for an intake appointment. One time they kept me waiting for a whole year for cbt then turned me down.

Because it takes alot of appointments and time and trial and error and balancing and upto doping dosage (medications).

Because even if i do all that that i will still be all on my own (that is the whole point of medication - hyperindividualism so no one else has to do anything to help or stop hindering/harming).

I think i know what i need to be healthy [eg exercise, variety, sleep, rest/sabbath, social/fellowship, fun/humour, ventilation, sunlight, love, balanced diet, cleanliness, faith, not speak bad words, etc] but am stuck/trapped in a hole/pit/trap because of combination of my studies, my situation (including attached neighbours, water, plumbing, location), and sickness/condition (ocd, aspergers, misophonia), and age-&-singleness, (etc).
I need help to find a not so bad accomodation situation to shift to but they won't help, they prefer to push "medication" as the only best answer.
I have told people for years but no one will listen everyone just says it is all just my mental and choice etc. How would you like no clean running tap water? How would you like to be attached to neighbours who stomp around loud on bare wooden floor all day long every day for last 10 years? How would you like to hear water pipes gushing and banging everytime the other 4 attached flats use water (and i can't use it without them hearing either)?

God is punishing me because i can't have faith in such Hell (because of past sins).
 

justaname

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God is not punishing you for past sins.
 

pom2014

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Biblio, there is nothing wrong with CBT.

I think you resist treatment because you know you have to put effort into it. And it's just easier to not be responsible for yourself. Easier to blame God for all your woes.
 

Bibliocentrist

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Australasia
Yes on the one hand it is must all be my past/present/sometimes fault:
because i can't keep my negative mouth shut
because i can't have faith
maybe because i not take medication
because of past sins (and ancestors sins).
because i not pray or read bible or go to church.
because i don't have a job.
because i refuse to give up my studies.
etc

but on the other hand even though it must be my fault, others also will be judged:
doesn't matter that i was abused.
doesn't matter that i went through mulitlple foster placements & schools.
doesn't matter that i was poisoned half/a dozen times.
doesn't matter that i have had noisy neighbours/neighbourhoods everywhere i lived for the last 20 years.
doesn't matter that they put fluoride and alluminium in the water, and that water sitting in copper tanks, and that plumbers stuffed me around.
doesn't matter that they stuffed up the last 1-2 years because of smart meters, and now i may have my power cut off in april 1st.
doesn't matter that i lost a whole year because of windows 7/8 and fibre optics broadband surveilance changes.
doesn't matter that the reserve bank put a ratio mortgage deposit on loans.
doesn't matter that i lost 15 years studies notes in a crisis.
doesn't matter that i am 42 and (always been) single.
doesn't matter that i cursed with mental illnesses.
doesn't matter that they spray our food.
doesn't matter that i have had trouble getting decent clothes (because all baggy, wrong sizes, artificial/blend, poison dye/bleach, too tightly woven, etc)
doesn't matter that they desgined these flats all wrong/stupid (eg window on wrong side, etc).
doesn't matter that mental health system messed me around.
doesn't matter that all churches have same stupid block of singing and block of sermon format.
doesn't matter i am in a small somewhat isolated country (nz) and "city".
doesn't matter that there are hemisphere covered cameras everywhere in all major places of transit/travel & trade/transaction.
doesn't matter that this regime refused to credit me for all the years hard work [= your "effort"] i did on King Arthur's 12 battles and other discoveries/theses.
etc.

just like Adam and Eve and Serpent. Was all 3 fault even though can't excuse self.
yes i will have (these) (years/lost "life") tears my own fault to wipe away on that day (if i even saved at all).
But i don't agree it is all just my "self" "responsibility" or that it is "easier" or about no "effort" or all "blaming" God. But it takes too much hours trying to work out how to answer that.


cbt just didn't work well with me. And from my light study cbt seems like a false religion. Anyway they turned me down for it.
 
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