I was a more or less recent convert to Christianity. According to those around me, I became a Christian 6 months ago. I may have an outward appearance of being Christian, and my mother tells me that I help her in her spiritual journey, but I know that I am really weak in faith. I'm not just saying that because of the Christianity principle that tells us to be humble, I truly, genuinely, believe this.
My problem in general is that I tell myself that "God will make my life great. It just may not be this instant, or the way I want it." Doesn't this seem about right?
So I sometimes tell myself; My salvation is guaranteed, and so is God's love for me. But everything else, they most likely won't happen.
Well then I go on to not worry about any of my human struggles and desires. After all, Jesus told us not to worry.
But does this mean apathy? I do not worry, but I do not feel like I care either.
So I tell myself that I must care. That I must feel something to make sure I'm not being apathetic. And then I get really lost and confused.
I told myself that you can care, as long as you feel the holy spirit's presence in replace of your human emotions that tell you that you care. But I cannot feel God's presence at all times. I realize that when I give all my life to God, I must really follow through. But sometimes I cannot. It is a terrible time when that times.
My most recent situation was when I trusted God with this girl I liked. I felt like I was maturing in faith; Before I used to perhaps think about her all the time and always feel a wave of pessimism when things didn't go my way. Now (or then at the time) I didn't pay her one thought in my mind for several days. And then I saw her at school; I was not sure if I had just distanced myself away from her by being apathetic instead of fully trusting in God.
After all, I was not really following God during the time I was carefree. So now I am genuinely confused; What does it mean to truly trust God?
Yesterday I felt I more or less completely or halfway abandoned my faith. I woke up, not with a heart ready to serve because I slept with Pagan influences from the night before.
Then I dealt with my feelings immaturely.
At this moment, I was susceptible to attack by the devil, when he twisted a ton of scripture for his purpose.
I was feeling low, then I found confidence outside of God.
And then, I confided in my old demons. (It is of free-thinking and intellect)
And through that, I neglected all my duties to God.
And reading about Hell did not help either. I felt like I was turning away from God, and I needed to repent. But I was feeling so empty that I could not really repent.
So I spent about an hour in the night praying and reading and writing, then an hour this morning. I woke up feeling a bit better but I am no where near as full of spiritual fervor as before.
I guess I can justify this as a part of God's plan to wound my pride, or to remind me that I am sinful. But how may I avoid this? My faith is so weak. I pray that I am stronger.
My problem in general is that I tell myself that "God will make my life great. It just may not be this instant, or the way I want it." Doesn't this seem about right?
So I sometimes tell myself; My salvation is guaranteed, and so is God's love for me. But everything else, they most likely won't happen.
Well then I go on to not worry about any of my human struggles and desires. After all, Jesus told us not to worry.
But does this mean apathy? I do not worry, but I do not feel like I care either.
So I tell myself that I must care. That I must feel something to make sure I'm not being apathetic. And then I get really lost and confused.
I told myself that you can care, as long as you feel the holy spirit's presence in replace of your human emotions that tell you that you care. But I cannot feel God's presence at all times. I realize that when I give all my life to God, I must really follow through. But sometimes I cannot. It is a terrible time when that times.
My most recent situation was when I trusted God with this girl I liked. I felt like I was maturing in faith; Before I used to perhaps think about her all the time and always feel a wave of pessimism when things didn't go my way. Now (or then at the time) I didn't pay her one thought in my mind for several days. And then I saw her at school; I was not sure if I had just distanced myself away from her by being apathetic instead of fully trusting in God.
After all, I was not really following God during the time I was carefree. So now I am genuinely confused; What does it mean to truly trust God?
Yesterday I felt I more or less completely or halfway abandoned my faith. I woke up, not with a heart ready to serve because I slept with Pagan influences from the night before.
Then I dealt with my feelings immaturely.
At this moment, I was susceptible to attack by the devil, when he twisted a ton of scripture for his purpose.
I was feeling low, then I found confidence outside of God.
And then, I confided in my old demons. (It is of free-thinking and intellect)
And through that, I neglected all my duties to God.
And reading about Hell did not help either. I felt like I was turning away from God, and I needed to repent. But I was feeling so empty that I could not really repent.
So I spent about an hour in the night praying and reading and writing, then an hour this morning. I woke up feeling a bit better but I am no where near as full of spiritual fervor as before.
I guess I can justify this as a part of God's plan to wound my pride, or to remind me that I am sinful. But how may I avoid this? My faith is so weak. I pray that I am stronger.
