How to deal w/abuse?

You can pray about it.Your best hope would be that God would give your mother guilt and conviction so that she may turn to the Lord. You might have to confront her with scripture and point out her ways. It's her problem, not yours, and I know it can be very stressful. Only God can change her, and that's if she is willing to change.I'm sorry I can not truly help you with this situation because I haven't been in the same shoes as you.

I also have had similar problems with my parents before. Still does, though the situation is getting way better than before, and improving gradually day by day.I can't stand their loud, above-average voices when they become annoyed and irritated easily, and then starts the cynical it's-all-your-fault, why-cant-you-do-better rants or lectures, either on me, or on each other. I've had more problems with my dad though, though with my mom often as well.The Lord would be very happy if we can respect and love our parents (Who gave birth to us and cared for us and loved us), no?And I believe that you know that it's one of the most important things the Lord would be most happy to see us achieve, no? If I ask you a question, 'Does your mother love you?', what would you say?.Most probably you would say 'Yes.'I hope Which parent would not love their own child? Except the very few exceptions, but from your description of your mother i can see that she's a normal parent.It quite helped me wanting to improve my relationship with my dad when I realized the answer to this question.He loves me, though many times he does not know the appropriate or proper way to express his thoughts and feelings to me through the terrible experiences he've been through in the past (His dad is a more bad-tempered person than he is, and he've been very poor since he was a child.)I also try whenever I can to wanting to improve my relationships with them. If you try, the Lord will know it that you are trying and would help you. Though many times you'd still get mad at them, but everytime you try one more time, your parents would be able to feel your effort and would then also try themselves to improve their relationships with you.But firstly, you need to forgive your parents for the wrongdoings they've done to you through their ignorances and hurted feelings. Because this is the situation with my dad and most people....People hurt other people because they themselves have been hurt. P.S. It is good that you feel guilty for not being a good daughter to your mother, because it means you still is what the Lord wants you to be.Hope this helps, if any.God bless you.

First thing forgive them and ask God to help heal the wounds. Get some counceling so you completely understand it. You dont want to pass it on to your kids. A close relationship with the Lord will help speed it along. I have seen a lot of it in my family and it is sooooo destructive for generations if it is not stopped.

I would tell you in my own words but I have never been through this situation. "Ye have heard that it hath been said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' "But I say unto you that ye resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away." ( Mathew 5, sermon on the mount)"Ye have heard that it hath been said, 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.' "But I say unto you, 'Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and them which despitefully use you, persecute you, that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven; for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.' For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do no even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? Do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." ( the same)Forgive and try to make amends. and even if she is abusive to her do not do the same back. Pray for her. Everything else is out of your control.your brother in christRyan Fitz

Kimshi42,I had a similar relationship, childhood with my mum as you. And it has affected my whole life. I still sruggled for long time after becoming born again Christian. I did not know how to deal with my life. I had such a low selfesteem and I suffered panic, anxiety and clinical depression, as my mum does also. It's been a long journey. But my awesome God knew that before I was born and He led me to another country so I could start my healing process. I still had difficulties many years after and then came other challenges in this new country. But God has been so faithful and wonderful. I've got a such a lovely, supportive , Christian husband. We belong to a great, spirit-filled church with great sermons, the Best pastor and teacher, wonderful people in that church. I needed my time off from my family roots to get my healing. I've forgiven my parents, my dad passed away when I was 15I talk to my mum on the phone now and then, I love her but we are on totally different level. Mainly our phone conversations are that I listen to her and that's fine. I totally accept that. I know that I can't change her only God can and He already has done some of that I've noticed. I let my mum to be who she is, but if she would abuse me on the phone of course I would confront that with the truth, because God did not created us to be doormats to others. We are equal. I just pray for your relationship with your mother. And inner healing for your hurts. God is your refuge. And He is there to help you. I remember you in my prayers. God Bless you ! love thunder1

Kim, I had a very similar situation with my sorry-excuse-for-a-dad, and it affects me to this day at the age of 61. My mother was loving toward me but had blinders on where he was concerned. I'm afraid, though, that other than saying I know what you're going through, I can't help you since I can't help myself.

Hi. My first question to you is: Are you a member of a local church? I cannot tell you how valuable that has been in my life when I have had situations come up. I could not have very easily dealt with things on my own. My pastor has helped me get Christian counseling and the church even helped me out financially through several struggles. Let the body of Christ do what it was meant to do. If you need further assistance, I will do my best to find the resources for you

I don't know how to help you from a religious perspective -- not really -- but I am in your situation practically.My suggestion? Be the parent. Try to see them as the child. Be respectful, don't antagonize, don't deal with them both at the same time, but bring every ounce of moral authority you can muster in yourself to explain, not how they are wrong, but how they can be happier if they start treating their other half like they want to be treated.This is really hard at first. It feels very strange, when you do this, to see your parents shuffle their feet and mope at the ground like five-year olds. Especially if you still feel like the kid that Dad used to dole out harsh punishments to. Don't get distracted by this. Don't take sides, even when it seems you must. And don't get involved in the actual terms of the dispute, until maybe they've stopped screaming.The very best advice you can give them is to make sure that the other person has the last word in a fight. If you can convince *both* them of that, it can help defuse and derail fights, and maybe even turn them into conversations instead of emotional or physical abuse.Above all, make them laugh. Even if you don't want to.I've been trying this approach, after I stumbled on it accidentally. Mom reports that Dad is drinking less and has started acting like a gentleman. Dad is less open about these things, but seems more content. I think it's all temporary, but it's a start at least.(I strongly don't recommend this approach to anyone still living at home, or subject to parental authority such as if they're paying your bills or something. Too much ambiguity.)

The thing with helping someone is that you have to have experienced the same pain in order to understand and empathize with them. You can pray for them; you can feel sympathy for them, but you CANNOT know what they are going through if you never went through it. I know what victims of abuse are going through because I went through it, and only the grace of God kept me half-way sane and out of trouble. Of course, I was too terrified of my dad to get into trouble. His beatings were severe.One thing that bugs me to no end is people constantly giving me advice when they have no idea what they're talking about, or what I've experienced or the emotional damage it did to me. I know that has to be frustrating to others who ask for a little understanding from people only to get, "Pray about it" like that's the answer to everything. What if the only answer you get is "My grace is sufficient for you" as Paul got? I'm sorry, but even if it was sufficient for Paul, grace might save the damned soul or sooth a broken heart, but it does not take away the emotional pain and scars from years and years of emotional and/or physical abuse--especially when that abuse is inflicted on an innocent and easily influenced child.People telling me to "think positive" is easy when most of their life has been positive. They had two wonderful and loving parents who didn't abuse them but disciplined them out of love rather than anger. They grew up with a great outlook on life, plenty of self-esteem, plenty of friends, and encouragement instead of discouragements, praise instead of put-downs, compliments instead of criticism, and probably weren't constantly told that "You're useless", "You can't do anything right" and "You have nothing to say that's worth hearing."Because of my severe fear and terror of my sorry-excuse-for-a-dad, I grew up badly tramatized (sp?) and with a severe stutter that I had into my late 20's. It still pops up if I get excited when I'm talking, nervous, or try to talk faster than my brain can keep up. I grew up absolutely NO self-esteem. I also grew up with a fear and mistrust of people in general and was unable to make friends. Boys made fun of me and my clothes. Girls wanted nothing to do with me--except for the girls that no other boy wanted. If not for the Lord, I believe I would be a drunk, in prison, or dead and in hell by now. God and my mother are all that kept me reasonably sane and on the narrow road.

Out of all the testimonies I hear, that breaks my heart the most. Children who are abused mentally or physically really angers me. I have very frequent talks with the Lord about this. I can never understand, this side of Glory ,why this is allowed. I know the Lord doesn't cause this. I know it is a result of adults' poor choices, but why does an innocent child get caught in the middle? You are right, too, Jon-Marc. When people say they know how you feel and offer pat answers it's almost sickening. Just know that they probably do mean well, but maybe they don't really know what to say. Sometimes when I am faced with hearing sad life stories or situations, I am so flustered that I am speechless, but I want to say some words of comfort.I think about the e-mail I got about the little boy with the elderly neighbor that lost his wife. He told his mom he went over and helped make him feel better. His mom asked how. He said,"Since I couldn't take his sadness away, I just sat in his lap and helped him cry!". Maybe that's what we should do. We can just help others cry and listen to them get things off of their minds. Kimshi, I have been to several counselors for a few reasons in the past. I do know it is hard to find a good Christian counselor. But, they are out there. The third time was the charm for me. I went to a woman counselor that was more aggressive about things instead of just a body that sits lethargically asking a few questions and offering no answers. So, think it over and do what you think is best. Know that we can help you cry, though! (And I do pray for you too.)

(Kimshi42;28315)
I realize now I was emotionally abused as a kid, by my mother. Dad did nothing to help/defend us. They claim to be Christian. And while they may have accepted Christ, I don't see much evidence of it. She's very manipulative, punative, juvenile, controlling, angry, depressed, worrisome and fearful.My sister recently died and I can't help but thinking she became a drug addict (she did) as her way of coping with the abuse, and my parents refuse to acknowledge the connection. As an aside, at age 12 I wrote my mother a ltr about how her words hurt me. Her response was to flip out and yell "Your sister wrote a ltr just like that at your age and you see how she turned out, don't you?!"Um, instead of realizing "My two daughters had very similar reactions to the same situation and this is probably a good indicator that I have a problem," she'd just call my sister crazy. Brother had a drinking problem but has largely conquered that. I put off calling my mother as long as possible. I once did not call her for 2 months and she then left a VM msg crying and saying my husband and I were mean to her and she didn't know why.Our conversations are so cold and detached. I truly don't want to be closer to her but I feel guilty as a daughter, as if I should feel closer. But I literally tense up, emotionally and physically when I'm around her.I've prayed and asked God to fix it b/c I can not handle it. What can I do?
Family is hard to deal with. There are people in my family who are the same way. They just can't understand why anyone could have a different opinion than them. It's not your fault. You can be civil to your mom, but don't let her upset you so much. You're married and you have your own life to live. Take a step back and look at what's really important to you. Yes, it's your mom and I'm sure you love her very much. But don't let her bring you down.

If I don't know what a person is going through, I don't find it necessary to say something just to be saying something--especially those dumb cliches like "Well, at least you've got four more children" to someone who is burying their child. How dumb of a statement is that? No one and nothing can replace that missing child. Just telling them you will pray for them and actually doing it can give them a little hope, if they believe in prayer. One time a preacher was at a hospital visiting a man who was deathly ill. The pastor was at a loss for what to do or say. Another man, however, simply got a wet washcloth and laid it on the man's forehead. He just kept doing that with fresh cool water. When we don't know what to say, a small act of kindness can be much appreciated--like the boy who helped the man cry. That was very touching. As adults we too often have become immune to the suffering of others, and it takes a tender heart to feel their pain--or someone who has experienced it. I had a nephew tell me once, "You're more sensitive than I am", because I shed tears over certain songs. I'm not ashamed to admit that. One that always does that to me is "I Should Have Been Crucified." I can never sing that without breaking down and weeping over what Christ did in my place. I hope and pray that I never lose that sensitivity to the pain of others. Even a dog is sensitive to its master's suffering. What does that say about about some humans?People are reaching out for someone to care and help them with their pain. We who know the Great Physician have the answer to their pain, and too often we fail to tell them. Some pain and scars are too deep for any mere mortal to overcome on his/her own, or even with the help of others. We can't always help them, but Jesus Christ can. When I lost my mother, the pain was too much for me. For months bitterness and anger grew in me until I started lashing out at others (only verbally) and throwing things. It finally got so bad that even I noticed, and I sought counseling with my pastor who had a Master's degree in counseling. Then and only then was I able to start healing from the terrible pain of losing the one person in this world who loved me unconditionally. I was angry at God for taking her from me. I was angry at myself for not being there for her more than I was, and I was just angry in general. It wasn't FAIR! That's the way I felt, but of course she was tired of suffering with many ailments and just gave up the will to live. Could I have done anything to give her the will to live? I doubt it, but I blamed myself anyway.There's another song "I know a Man Who Can." When you find that life is too hard and you can't go on, Jesus can help. He can forgive us of our sins and give us love, joy, peace, happiness and contentment that we will never know without Him. He can ease the pain of our past. However, He will only help us with as much as we surrender to Him. Hanging onto anger and bitterness will only cause us to become more angry and bitter. It will fester within us until it devours us--as it nearly did me. Jesus said to lay ALL our burdens on Him, for He cares for us. When there is no one else, there is Jesus.