I dated a guy for almost 2 years but we broke up because I had been living where he does right now but had to move since I'm from another country. He had promised me when we were dating that he would eventually come live with me where I live, but he broke up with me tellign me he didn't have the money for the plane ticket (he doesn't) and that he had never been a virgin, that he had lied to me all this time so that I would go out with him in the first place. (He knew that I prefer someone I date to be a virgin...) I was so hurt for the first months, thinking he had slept with someone before dating me and that this had all been a secret for him, but eventually I sort of got over it. We had a fight yesterday, and I wanted to hurt him so I lied about being completely over him and that I liked a new boy. He replied hurt, telling me I had never loved him like I had told him and that he has been working nonstop and saving money to get the plane ticket and give me a "surprise". Now I don't know what to do, and I would like a catholic point of view from whoever is reading this... I really don't feel that I love him as much as I did before, his lie hurt me so much, and now a part of me wants him to come live where I do and to spend the rest of my life with him like we had planned before; I really care so much about him and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me but then again I fear that if this does happen and I sleep with him (after marriage) I won't be able to stop thinking that I'm not the only one to have slept with him and I'll suffer. What would you do, would you get hurt if you gave your virginity to someone who doesn't give his back to you?
I love someone who is not a virgin
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Well Irene, I'm afraid I cannot provide a Catholic point of view for you, but here's help where I can offer it. I provide a disclaimer with all relationship advice that I'm not here to tell you what to do; I want you to think and you to find the answer for you. That's what is important.Admittedly I am not 100% versed in this situation from a Catholic standpoint. I do know that, Biblically speaking, it is best to remain pure until after marriage. I do also know, both from the Bible, that none of us are perfect either. We all make mistakes in various aspects of life and can be forgiven for those mistakes when we make them thanks to the redeeming Grace of Christ's sacrifice on the cross for us. You can forgive someone when they ask (God does all the time, thankfully) for it and it sounds like this may very well be the case here. However, forgiveness is a personal matter and that is something only you can do. Think about the example of God though, how many times do we dissappoint him and, metaphorically speaking, lose our virginity to sin? Can we not ask for forgiveness and receive it from Him? If you can forgive this guy then love is there. Forgiveness is a major thing to do.Matthew 6:12And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.Now I am not here to lecture you by any means, and I know you already know what I am about to say. Telling lies to hurt someone else when you love them only comes back to hurt you in the end and it holds true both ways in this matter.You have a reason to be hurt because he lied to you; and now vice versa. My best advice here is to find how you feel in your heart and talk it over with him. I picked this Psalm out for you because I think the words in it are far wiser than anything I can say:Psalms 130:1Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O LORD. Lord, hear my voice: let thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning. Let Israel hope in the LORD: for with the LORD there is mercy, and with him is plenteous redemption. And he shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities.You're looking in the right places for the answer to this quandry. Pray about it.
irene18I also can not give you a Catholic viewpoint on this and I am not a relationship counselor.However I am the mother of three daughters so have some experience in these matters.I completely agree with what Swampfox has said above.None of us are without sin and once a sin is confessed & repented for in Christs name it is forgotten by God.The question becomes weather you can be as forgiving and this of course as Swampfox points out depends upon the person's involved.As the mother part of me if my daughter was asking me this I would be less concerned about the virginity thing (because that's a forgivable ) and be more concerned with the fact that this relationship seems to be based on lies from both sides regardless of the reasons.True love should be based on friendship,honesty,trust,and respect.If you had a best friend would you not expect honesty from them,and that would built trust,and respect. Love naturally comes when you have a person you like, respect, trust,and can be completely honest with,but this has to be mutual from both persons in the relationship.When you have these components in a relationship forgiveness becomes easy.The mother part of me feels that there is some game playing going on in this relationship on both sides witch is going to keep this relationship headed in the wrong direction.I would advise (and this is just my personal opinion)that you pray and decide in your own heart if you can forgive him and forget the past if so you need to be honest with him about your lie and why you lied and ask the same of him.If you are both willing to start over with a relationship based on truth and the above mentioned things you then have a good foundation on which to build a real relationship.Hope this helps you please ask if you have other questions.God Bless to you
I also cannot offer a catholic viewpoint as I am not catholic. However, you are free to love whomever you please. If you are a saved christian, that's all that matters. We all are born with sin nature. Jesus Christ died on the cross for us. If your partner has repented for the sin of premarital sex then I would say it is ok for you to be with them. A more important question to ask of your spouse is are they saved? One of the biggest problems I have seen in relationships is when people of different faiths try to co-exist with one another. It causes many quarrels and discomforts. If you are willing to accept this person, including their faults, then by all means go for it. Does God turn us away because of our sins? NO. He provides a way for us to be freed from them so that we may be with Him regardless. You should remember this when it comes to your relationships with other people because the Bible tells to love each other as God loves us all. Make sense?
Thank you all for your insightful responses... We're currently living in different continents but two days ago he told me that he's going to move to my location in a few months, so we'll see each other again soon since what has been an entire year now that we have been living in different continents. I know you are all right, that him repenting for his sin would be great, but he doesn't, he's Catholic but he's not very religious, he has never shown to regret having slept with women before marriage, and I can't just tell him that it would be good if he did because although it would mean so much to me it's not his belief and I would just be telling him to do something he doesn't feel deep in his heart. For five months now I have not been dating him anymore and I don't think I will ever date him again even if I still love him in a way because I don't see a future with him and I can't date someone I know I won't have a future with. I hope someday I can find a man who is religious like me, who saves themselves until marriage or who truly repents if he has not, who will love me unconditionally and who I know I can trust, and that honesty will always be in between us, because with my ex sincerity has not been present. I don't know if anyday I'll find someone who has these qualities, but I wish. Thank you for your replies
You got it right irene18 you will find what you are looking for I have no doubtloving and caring about someone it not the same thing as being in love with someone.And you will know the difference when it happensSo keep the faith
My wife's family is Catholic, and while I am not a Catholic (agnostic), I cannot give you much guidance. However, there is forgiveness, and if you go to the Church, talk with the priest, go to confessional, get some counseling from the sisters, brothers, or somebody you trust.When I was dating my wife, I was a virgin. My wife was not. I never held it against her, nor was it a requirement of mine. While biblically, it is required to stay celibate until marriage, it is a very rare thing these days. I say this because you asked how I would feel if I knew my SO slept with somebody else. I do not hold it against her. That would be hypocritical of me, because I committed a lot of bad things in my life as well.However, this forum may not be a place to get counseling. You need to pray, talk with somebody you trust and see what can be done.Good luck.
Why would she take advise from an self discribed agnostic that hasn't been on this form sense it had about 10 members knows nothing of we are about yet comes here and makes judgments
(kriss;4483)
Why would she take advise from an self discribed agnostic that hasn't been on this form sense it had about 10 members knows nothing of we are about yet comes here and makes judgments
I am not here to make any judgments on anybody. I just gave what I know and personal experience. From what I know about Catholicism, who my wife is, I go by what I understand of it.If my reply was something this board does not need or breaks the rules in any way, feel free to delete it.
Why would she take advise from an self discribed agnostic that hasn't been on this form sense it had about 10 members knows nothing of we are about yet comes here and makes judgments
I am not here to make any judgments on anybody. I just gave what I know and personal experience. From what I know about Catholicism, who my wife is, I go by what I understand of it.If my reply was something this board does not need or breaks the rules in any way, feel free to delete it.
This time I owe you an apology I took your remarks to be a put down of our board and the things we had said I see what you were trying to say now after reading it again sorry to be so quick to jump to the wrong conclusions.
(kriss;4486)
This time I owe you an apology I took your remarks to be a put down of our board and the things we had said I see what you were trying to say now after reading it again sorry to be so quick to jump to the wrong conclusions.
I like this board, and lurk a lot. Swampfox is a nice guy, and while we may disagree on a lot of things, his board is a nice place to get another point of view.I avoid posting here because of my leftist views, and do not want to cause problems for people.
This time I owe you an apology I took your remarks to be a put down of our board and the things we had said I see what you were trying to say now after reading it again sorry to be so quick to jump to the wrong conclusions.
I like this board, and lurk a lot. Swampfox is a nice guy, and while we may disagree on a lot of things, his board is a nice place to get another point of view.I avoid posting here because of my leftist views, and do not want to cause problems for people.
Theres nothing wrong with a good friendly debate What do you think of the updates ?we are growing at a pretty nice rate I reconized your name from a long time ago
(kriss;4490)
Theres nothing wrong with a good friendly debate What do you think of the updates ?we are growing at a pretty nice rate I reconized your name from a long time ago
I PM'd Swampfox on the update telling him it looks really good. Yes, the growth rate seems really nice indeed. And yes, I signed up here when he first opened, and we did some post exchanges together.However, my messageboard is largely leftist, and thus do not post my URL here.
Theres nothing wrong with a good friendly debate What do you think of the updates ?we are growing at a pretty nice rate I reconized your name from a long time ago
I PM'd Swampfox on the update telling him it looks really good. Yes, the growth rate seems really nice indeed. And yes, I signed up here when he first opened, and we did some post exchanges together.However, my messageboard is largely leftist, and thus do not post my URL here.
To forgiv is devine.Viirginity, or lack of, is a condition of the body.God places more value in the condition of the mind.Accepting a non virgin as a spouse shows your ability to forgive and to love.Did you think this was a problem.Not.Enjoy yor love. You do no wrong in this.RegardsDL
I dunno whether I'm helping you or not, but in my opinion, if someone I liked is not in the same church as I am, I wouldn't even consider it at all. Why? Cause I believe there will be conflicts where he thinks that church's more important than him cause I believe you would rather be in church than to spend some time with him else where sometimes. Remember, life is all about making decisions. Not making one is also a decision. I'll keep you in prayers.
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