I don't know if I ever shared my actual testimony on here. So I was hoping it may encourage you all. I don't want to glorify what Satan has done or my sin, but give all honor to God for what He has brought me through and taught me over the years.
First off my mom, dad, and I moved into a house across the street from a church when I was 15. It is in this little house attending this church that I came to know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Shortly after though, life started to fall apart. I didn't realize at the time, but it was really a positive direction.
My dad came in my room one night without clothes and fondled me in bed. I turned on the light and screamed. And mom rushed in...that same week he got off probation after many years and took an entire bottle of my mom's pain pills. He was high as a kite. And it was the last straw. My mom and dad divorced and we moved away.
It was when we were away from my dad, I had nightmares that came about from sexual abuse as a child. All through childhood, I had this imaginary world in my mind that caused me so much pain. When I got saved it disappeared entirely. But the real came. And I realized my dad being locked in the backroom with a deadbolt and chain, and other things that happened in our house, was not normal.
I held it inside and started self injury when I was 16. This began a serious battle for nearly a decade. I was suicidal and buried myself into writing stories, trying to escape back into fantasy, because it was easier to have the pain and fear in stories then in reality.
My rock bottom was when I was 20. My mom had a series of heart attacks, then a major one that lead to congestive heart failure and dementia. The doctor would not release her to go home and she went into a nursing home. And I spiraled. I went to church and things, but I felt very far from God. I tried to drink comet water. Planned out ways to take my life... I am thankful God intervened.
God basically showed up and said no. I am not through with you yet!!!! I was going to go take my life one day, and just by chance, my pastor saw me driving down the road. He basically drove his car after me and pulled me over. I couldn't believe it. He said that he felt God telling him not to let me go. He took me to the church and had me sing the song I wrote when I first tried to take my life.
"You are the reason, my life's worth living. You are basically why I breathe. You are the reason for all who have hope, for all who rest in the comfort of the cross. Oh Lord we come singing through the darkness. Oh Lord we come singing through our trials. For You are the reason my life's worth living. And I will sing for the glory of the cross."
After that, Teen Challenge for adults came to church that Sunday. I went in that faith based 13 month program and was there two years. That intimate relationship that grew during this program helped me to face and overcome a lot from the past. I still struggled with anxiety and self injury. I fell back in it after my internship became too much, and I came to Indiana to another year faith based program. I have been out now for 7 years. Believe it or not my anxiety is not where it used to be. And I am so grateful to God for all He has brought me through. I now have a relationship with my dad who lives in Texas. My mom passed, but there was a lot of forgiveness and closeness that happened before she passed. I have relationships with family members I never was allowed growing up. And I haven't self injured in many years. I have a loving husband of 4 years and a daughter who is almost two. Jesus is my Redeemer, my Savior, and best friend. He can bring us through all of our darkest moments, and will never let go. I am so grateful now for life and for the abundant blessings Jesus has given me. If I would have taken my life, I would have missed out on so much. I don't have any reason to be anxious, because God has brought me through so much and is the same yesterday, today, and forever. So I can rest in the promise He will give back ten fold whatever the enemy tries to take away.
Praise You Lord God for Your perfect peace and a sound mind!!!!
warms my heart. My heart is so burdened for the youth. Toddlers may be a better fit then the older kids though.
