I've been fine, but somehow I did that thing where you leave a pot on the back stove until it boils over, but emotionally. So I had somehow triggered myself. (This is like when a pet passed away when I was a kid and my mom said I showed no emotion until months later and woke up screaming.)
So I ended up with the screaming-in-the-pillow-and-almost-throwing-up crying where you're just not going to have a very productive day AT ALL.
Sometimes I feel like singled out scriptures I find aren't really helping because they don't resonate. I can't feel like positive things are very helpful if I'm feeling like that and it feels like trying to push the idea of false hope is borderline toxic positivity.
I've been thinking about this since yesterday. What you said here, "they don't resonate", it just seems to me that the places which DID resonate with me were ones that God pointed me to in that intense time of emotional need.
I know where lots of different verses are, and what they say, there's more than that. I'll tell one story.
One middle of the night, I was particularly down about myself, my life, my continued transgressions. I was very downcast, I just felt horrible about myself.
I pleaded with God for a Word from Him, flipped open my Bible, and read from where it opened in Isaiah . . .
Isaiah 44:10-23 KJV
10) Who hath formed a god, or molten a graven image that is profitable for nothing?
11) Behold, all his fellows shall be ashamed: and the workmen, they are of men: let them all be gathered together, let them stand up; yet they shall fear, and they shall be ashamed together.
12) The smith with the tongs both worketh in the coals, and fashioneth it with hammers, and worketh it with the strength of his arms: yea, he is hungry, and his strength faileth: he drinketh no water, and is faint.
13) The carpenter stretcheth out his rule; he marketh it out with a line; he fitteth it with planes, and he marketh it out with the compass, and maketh it after the figure of a man, according to the beauty of a man; that it may remain in the house.
14) He heweth him down cedars, and taketh the cypress and the oak, which he strengtheneth for himself among the trees of the forest: he planteth an ash, and the rain doth nourish it.
15) Then shall it be for a man to burn: for he will take thereof, and warm himself; yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread; yea, he maketh a god, and worshippeth it; he maketh it a graven image, and falleth down thereto.
16) He burneth part thereof in the fire; with part thereof he eateth flesh; he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire:
17) And the residue thereof he maketh a god, even his graven image: he falleth down unto it, and worshippeth it, and prayeth unto it, and saith, Deliver me; for thou art my god.
18) They have not known nor understood: for he hath shut their eyes, that they cannot see; and their hearts, that they cannot understand.
19) And none considereth in his heart, neither is there knowledge nor understanding to say, I have burned part of it in the fire; yea, also I have baked bread upon the coals thereof; I have roasted flesh, and eaten it: and shall I make the residue thereof an abomination? shall I fall down to the stock of a tree?
20) He feedeth on ashes: a deceived heart hath turned him aside, that he cannot deliver his soul, nor say, Is there not a lie in my right hand?
I had read to the bottom of the page. This so described me! Serving what I KNEW was godless, worthless, destructive, wrong! Covetous, idolatrous!
By the time I finished this passage I was even more devastated! For all I knew of the Bible, for all I knew about God, this last part, it described how I felt so well!
He feeds on ashes! Once again I was turned aside by the evil within me! I felt wasted. Unable to help myself! "He cannot deliver his soul, nor say, is there not a lie in my right hand?" How can I describe how despondant I felt? I was almost afraid to turn the page, but I had to know what God was telling me.
21) Remember these, O Jacob and Israel; for thou art my servant: I have formed thee; thou art my servant: O Israel, thou shalt not be forgotten of me.
22) I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions, and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed thee.
23) Sing, O ye heavens; for the LORD hath done it: shout, ye lower parts of the earth: break forth into singing, ye mountains, O forest, and every tree therein: for the LORD hath redeemed Jacob, and glorified himself in Israel.
I couldn't stop crying for a long time! Just remembering this makes me begin to cry.
Return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee!
I couldn't plan it, I couldn't arrange it, but God is there when we need Him.
Much love!
