I heard that it is therapeutic to write a letter to someone and never send it though I am doing the opposite by writing something that I intend for the person it is for to see. Since I cannot physically send a letter to God I felt that this was the best place to put this. I feel like a lot of Christians have felt the way I do and I hope this is an interesting read to everyone who has the patience to sit through it.
To God.
Long ago you were like a father to me as I never had anyone in my life who even resembled a viable paternal figure. In that time long ago I affectionately called you "Papa" because it felt much more personal than "Father". Back I prayed three times a day and was trying to memorize the Bible which was the most important book to me. At that time I never would have thought things would become so sour between us.
So many times I look back at the time and feel a small bit of what I used to until I remember what went wrong: all the times you stood up for my enemies, all the things that went wrong, all the times you let me down, all the prayers you left unanswered as I called out to you when I was distressed. That loving feeling fades and I begin to feel bitter.
My enemies have always been a hurdle in our relationship because it felt like you rewarded them for stepping on me. Maybe I am being unfair in accusing you of picking favorites. To this day the people who have hurt me long ago prosper while my life seems to get worse. I also feel unfair because I never really let you have your say. You are quiet now but I am not sure rather or not you will avenge me on judgement day, and when I think of that I feel like I am not giving you a fair chance.
You have let me down in many ways. I was never rich or powerful or good looking. Aside from my poor self esteem I am suffering from health problems that you seem to ignore. I feel like you do not care about me, like I am not good enough. As if the people who have hurt me and the people I envy are the only people you care about. I see wicked people getting rich by defrauding and hurting other people and it feels like you are protecting and blessing them.
Our relationship hangs in the balance and it is hanging on by a thread: the gryphon I sometimes see in my dreams. By now I would have converted to Hinduism as their idols seemingly have answered my prayers, most importantly getting my family out of dire poverty years ago. Because I know you are more powerful than any of its idols, I came to you hoping you would create the gryphon for me in your kingdom. Right now that gryphon is all that stands between me and falling down the wrong path. As irreparable as our relationship seems, finding a verse in the Bible supporting my hope could heal it.
Even when I am at my most angry at you I start to like you a bit when I remember a few things: that my miscarried stepchildren live because of you, that you will raise every good people and all the animals from the dead someday, that your son died a horrific yet heoric death so everyone can be salvaged, and that you created a beautiful planet full of beautiful things. The slim chance that the wicked will be punished and that my gryphon too might live are also glue that keeps us together.
I get disheartened by the wicked and fear that you will not judge Christians who have done horrible things. Will you punish those who have done unspeakable things in your name? Will you avenge their victims.
As of right now I yearn for a stronger relationship with you and hope that someday we patch things up. I miss the days of praying to you and calling you Papa. I miss the times when I felt that you would make everything right someday. And I miss feeling like I had a father.
Here is hoping we can someday go back to the way thinfs were.
Sincerely, PossibleThrowawayAccount.
To God.
Long ago you were like a father to me as I never had anyone in my life who even resembled a viable paternal figure. In that time long ago I affectionately called you "Papa" because it felt much more personal than "Father". Back I prayed three times a day and was trying to memorize the Bible which was the most important book to me. At that time I never would have thought things would become so sour between us.
So many times I look back at the time and feel a small bit of what I used to until I remember what went wrong: all the times you stood up for my enemies, all the things that went wrong, all the times you let me down, all the prayers you left unanswered as I called out to you when I was distressed. That loving feeling fades and I begin to feel bitter.
My enemies have always been a hurdle in our relationship because it felt like you rewarded them for stepping on me. Maybe I am being unfair in accusing you of picking favorites. To this day the people who have hurt me long ago prosper while my life seems to get worse. I also feel unfair because I never really let you have your say. You are quiet now but I am not sure rather or not you will avenge me on judgement day, and when I think of that I feel like I am not giving you a fair chance.
You have let me down in many ways. I was never rich or powerful or good looking. Aside from my poor self esteem I am suffering from health problems that you seem to ignore. I feel like you do not care about me, like I am not good enough. As if the people who have hurt me and the people I envy are the only people you care about. I see wicked people getting rich by defrauding and hurting other people and it feels like you are protecting and blessing them.
Our relationship hangs in the balance and it is hanging on by a thread: the gryphon I sometimes see in my dreams. By now I would have converted to Hinduism as their idols seemingly have answered my prayers, most importantly getting my family out of dire poverty years ago. Because I know you are more powerful than any of its idols, I came to you hoping you would create the gryphon for me in your kingdom. Right now that gryphon is all that stands between me and falling down the wrong path. As irreparable as our relationship seems, finding a verse in the Bible supporting my hope could heal it.
Even when I am at my most angry at you I start to like you a bit when I remember a few things: that my miscarried stepchildren live because of you, that you will raise every good people and all the animals from the dead someday, that your son died a horrific yet heoric death so everyone can be salvaged, and that you created a beautiful planet full of beautiful things. The slim chance that the wicked will be punished and that my gryphon too might live are also glue that keeps us together.
I get disheartened by the wicked and fear that you will not judge Christians who have done horrible things. Will you punish those who have done unspeakable things in your name? Will you avenge their victims.
As of right now I yearn for a stronger relationship with you and hope that someday we patch things up. I miss the days of praying to you and calling you Papa. I miss the times when I felt that you would make everything right someday. And I miss feeling like I had a father.
Here is hoping we can someday go back to the way thinfs were.
Sincerely, PossibleThrowawayAccount.
