I soooo did not want to post this, but this has been building up for the past year now, Especially the past week, getting worse with each passing day.
I've dealt with severe depression since the age of 5 due to incest, but this feels so different.
Evertime I try to do something positive and constructive, such as go to the doctor, or renew my I.D. card, or go check out a new church----I am halted by this paralyzing heaviness, and I find myself staying home, with a feeling of defeat.
Now it is escalating. I can barely find the will to get up and go to work some days.
This is not agoraphobia, where you fear the outdoors. I find the outdoors very pleasant, fresh air and sparrows which I love so much.
What I'm trying to say is, now I can't even get up on and average day to go to work sometimes. Forget the extra important things, my everyday tasks have now become extremely difficult. I have been trying to go see a mental care professional for a while now, but when ever I try, that indredible heaviness comes upon me. It feels dark and very, very sad and scared at the same time. This feeling forces me to put aside my plans to leave for the day, and I feel about 75 % relief from this sensation. And since any relief is good, I stay put. Today for instance, I tried to go to work, but was struck down by this dark heaviness. So I had no choice but to call in work today. It feels as if I got in the shower to get ready that a million ton weight would fall on me.
It's getting worse too. It is now to the point where I can't even pick up my phone to take care of any kind of business without that sensation coming down upon me. So I lay down and pray and cry instead.
I want to see a doctor, but what if he/she can not help me because I think this may be a demonic attack.
All I know is, if and when I do manage to force myself to see a doctor, I'm not sure if they will be able to help anyway.
I want to speak to a pastor, in fact, have tried, but that heavy darkness takes over, and I stay in bed. It seems the cloud is not as thick when I stay home and pray and watch Christian programing and listen to Christian radio.
I feel so trapped and under attack, and I know trying to get up tomorrow for work is gonna be hard.
It's late now in my part of the world, and I wanted to ask for prayer earlier in the day, so tomorrow would not be so hard, but I waited too long. Why ? Because that's what this "thing" does to me. Makes me wait, and wait, and wait. It's that weighty sadness and fear that is hard to describe, let alone get through.
By the time most of you see this prayer request, I will be on my way to work already, but only after fighting the almost unwinnable battle first. Which by the way is very exhausting. I have been exhausted for so long now, I can't remember the last time I felt good.
So even though it's too late for the work thing, will you please pray for this "thing", whatever it is to depart from me ? And for God to lead me to the right understanding pastor, and a doctor who is a Christian. I am so tired. And confused. It's hard to concentrate too.
Thank you so much
Love,
laid renard
I've dealt with severe depression since the age of 5 due to incest, but this feels so different.
Evertime I try to do something positive and constructive, such as go to the doctor, or renew my I.D. card, or go check out a new church----I am halted by this paralyzing heaviness, and I find myself staying home, with a feeling of defeat.
Now it is escalating. I can barely find the will to get up and go to work some days.
This is not agoraphobia, where you fear the outdoors. I find the outdoors very pleasant, fresh air and sparrows which I love so much.
What I'm trying to say is, now I can't even get up on and average day to go to work sometimes. Forget the extra important things, my everyday tasks have now become extremely difficult. I have been trying to go see a mental care professional for a while now, but when ever I try, that indredible heaviness comes upon me. It feels dark and very, very sad and scared at the same time. This feeling forces me to put aside my plans to leave for the day, and I feel about 75 % relief from this sensation. And since any relief is good, I stay put. Today for instance, I tried to go to work, but was struck down by this dark heaviness. So I had no choice but to call in work today. It feels as if I got in the shower to get ready that a million ton weight would fall on me.
It's getting worse too. It is now to the point where I can't even pick up my phone to take care of any kind of business without that sensation coming down upon me. So I lay down and pray and cry instead.
I want to see a doctor, but what if he/she can not help me because I think this may be a demonic attack.
All I know is, if and when I do manage to force myself to see a doctor, I'm not sure if they will be able to help anyway.
I want to speak to a pastor, in fact, have tried, but that heavy darkness takes over, and I stay in bed. It seems the cloud is not as thick when I stay home and pray and watch Christian programing and listen to Christian radio.
I feel so trapped and under attack, and I know trying to get up tomorrow for work is gonna be hard.
It's late now in my part of the world, and I wanted to ask for prayer earlier in the day, so tomorrow would not be so hard, but I waited too long. Why ? Because that's what this "thing" does to me. Makes me wait, and wait, and wait. It's that weighty sadness and fear that is hard to describe, let alone get through.
By the time most of you see this prayer request, I will be on my way to work already, but only after fighting the almost unwinnable battle first. Which by the way is very exhausting. I have been exhausted for so long now, I can't remember the last time I felt good.
So even though it's too late for the work thing, will you please pray for this "thing", whatever it is to depart from me ? And for God to lead me to the right understanding pastor, and a doctor who is a Christian. I am so tired. And confused. It's hard to concentrate too.
Thank you so much
Love,
laid renard
