Ok, so before I'll start with the topic i will give some back story.
I was born and rased in the netherlands with a muslim father and a christian mother. My father never had much to say in my life when it came to religion so i don't know anything about the muslim faith but my mother did teach me certain things about christianity. She wasn't a very extreme or motivated christian so i was just learned the basics and was read a childrens bible from time to time, i never went to church or anything. But i did remember being TERRIFIED of god as a child, i remember having a bad thought sometimes and then spend an hours repeaing "i'm sorry, i'm sorry". It made me very stressed and i saw god more as a scary punisher than as a loving power.
Around the time i was 12 i started leaning more and more towards athiesm, i started to learn more theories about why god didn't exist and it never really made that much sence to me anyway so i just went with it. I once told my mom i didn't believe in god around the time i was 15, she was upset and scared i was going to go to hell but after a while she stopped talking about it. I had some fears about hell but it was never that extreme, that fear came back a few times in the five years that passed but it still wasn't that extreme.
In those five years i fell into a lot of sin, i started getting into sexual sin around the age of 13, i started doubting if i was straight or maybe i liked girls, and when i turned 15 i stared getting into weed, sigarretes and drinking. God and christianity passed my mind a few times but it never really affected me.
Except for a few things in my life that went bad, i was pretty happy with my life style, i mean, living with the thought that there is nothing after death can be depressing but also quite freeing.
But last summer something happened, It was around the time alot of terrorists attacks were happening in europe, i started being really scared of them happening in my country, i was scared of being killed in one. I remember seeing a post about why the world in going to end in 2016 and it started to think: "what if christianity is right?What if me and everyone i love is going to hell for all eternity?" I started imagening how awful and horrifying hell must be, i mean, burning alive forever? I started thinking, maybe it's best to become a christian just in case, there is noting to lose, Christianity is the only religion with an eternal hell so that seemed like the best bet.
So i started getting into christianity more and found out i knew NOTHING about it, things like salvation i understood completely wrong. I started seeing that the only thing you need to do to be saved is asked to be saved and then you could go to heaven, i was relieved to hear it was that easy but after getting into it a bit more i saw videos about people saying you need to want to be saved and know what it means and be prepared to follow. That was harder for me because i still 99,99% didn't believe, i was just scared about the 0,01%. I stared watching more christian videos and reading sites and i tried to make myself believe but i just wasn't able to, I prayed to god to help me believe or just please give me a sign that he existed. I started hoping for a vision about jesus like many others have had but it didn't happen, i know i wasn't supposed to expect it but nothing else helped.
After getting into christianity more i started to hear opinions from people who believed that salvation could be lost and that you should be aim to be sinless or your not going to heaven. I thought that once saved always saved was the opinion everyone had but everytime i learned more about christianity i learned that everyone had a different option about pretty much everything in the bible and everyone tells them god told them so. This started confusing me even more, how was i supposed to know what to do?
The people who believed in only saved by grace and the people who believed that you should become sinless both accused eachother of going to hell and they both had argument that were supported my the bible. I scared to get reaaallly scared, what if i chose wrong? God wasn't anwering my prayers asking him what i should do. I could go to hell for chosing wrong. I also felt really responsible for my family, i felt like i should convert them too because if i didn't they'll all go to hell because of me. I ended up leaning believing the: "salvation can be lost you have to be be sinless to enter heaven and give your life to god." way, because it seemed to easy for me to get saved that easy. One youtuber who believed that was finalcall007. He and some other people also believed that you could have nothing if it wasn't relivant to god, no goals or dreams, no hobbies no nothing, Only do what god tells you to do and nothing else because your adcievements don't matter in heaven, which i kinda understand but it's so depressing, i love making art and paintings and i had many dreams, and being told that that would get you into hell made me very depressed. I was depressed and scared, if that was the only way into heaven my family and friends should do that do, and i knew there was no way i could convince them to, the thought of them suffering in hell made me sick. I have alot of sibling including multiple babies/toddlers. Alot of christians believed that even toddlers could go to hell, and the thought of that happening i can't even discribe. Sometimes i gor comforted by theories that hell isn't biblical and it just meant to not exist anymore, but even that i couldn't know for sure. I started to get so depressed i couln't do anything anymore, i had points were i didn't want to live anymore. I started to get angry at god, how could he be so crual? I didn't ask to be born, and now i have to live my life a certain way or i'll be tormented for ever, If he was a god of love why would he ever send someone to hell, why can't he just forgive everyone? why do so many people have to suffer? how could he keep humanity alive knowing that most of his children are going to go to hell? I by the way still didnt 100% believe in god, i could say i mosly didn't but my though process was pertt much: "god probably doesn't exist but if i does you and everyone you love is going to be tormented for ever, so it's the best to be sure and just trow all your dreams away and completely dedicate your life to a god who probably doesn't exist and be terribly depressed" After all this anger i started convincing myself why god doen't exist and after a while i started becoming an athiest again(kinda). i meant to post did story when i was still in my religious stuggle but i never did, i came back to this because the fear of hell and my commiting the unforgivle sin starting playing in my head again. And my grandmother got lung cancer and im scared if i do nothing to make her repend or do SOMETHING she might go to hell if she doesnt beat the cancer and it's my fault ( the thought hurts my heart) I know this story is messy but my head is a mess, i thank you for taking the time to read it.
I was born and rased in the netherlands with a muslim father and a christian mother. My father never had much to say in my life when it came to religion so i don't know anything about the muslim faith but my mother did teach me certain things about christianity. She wasn't a very extreme or motivated christian so i was just learned the basics and was read a childrens bible from time to time, i never went to church or anything. But i did remember being TERRIFIED of god as a child, i remember having a bad thought sometimes and then spend an hours repeaing "i'm sorry, i'm sorry". It made me very stressed and i saw god more as a scary punisher than as a loving power.
Around the time i was 12 i started leaning more and more towards athiesm, i started to learn more theories about why god didn't exist and it never really made that much sence to me anyway so i just went with it. I once told my mom i didn't believe in god around the time i was 15, she was upset and scared i was going to go to hell but after a while she stopped talking about it. I had some fears about hell but it was never that extreme, that fear came back a few times in the five years that passed but it still wasn't that extreme.
In those five years i fell into a lot of sin, i started getting into sexual sin around the age of 13, i started doubting if i was straight or maybe i liked girls, and when i turned 15 i stared getting into weed, sigarretes and drinking. God and christianity passed my mind a few times but it never really affected me.
Except for a few things in my life that went bad, i was pretty happy with my life style, i mean, living with the thought that there is nothing after death can be depressing but also quite freeing.
But last summer something happened, It was around the time alot of terrorists attacks were happening in europe, i started being really scared of them happening in my country, i was scared of being killed in one. I remember seeing a post about why the world in going to end in 2016 and it started to think: "what if christianity is right?What if me and everyone i love is going to hell for all eternity?" I started imagening how awful and horrifying hell must be, i mean, burning alive forever? I started thinking, maybe it's best to become a christian just in case, there is noting to lose, Christianity is the only religion with an eternal hell so that seemed like the best bet.
So i started getting into christianity more and found out i knew NOTHING about it, things like salvation i understood completely wrong. I started seeing that the only thing you need to do to be saved is asked to be saved and then you could go to heaven, i was relieved to hear it was that easy but after getting into it a bit more i saw videos about people saying you need to want to be saved and know what it means and be prepared to follow. That was harder for me because i still 99,99% didn't believe, i was just scared about the 0,01%. I stared watching more christian videos and reading sites and i tried to make myself believe but i just wasn't able to, I prayed to god to help me believe or just please give me a sign that he existed. I started hoping for a vision about jesus like many others have had but it didn't happen, i know i wasn't supposed to expect it but nothing else helped.
After getting into christianity more i started to hear opinions from people who believed that salvation could be lost and that you should be aim to be sinless or your not going to heaven. I thought that once saved always saved was the opinion everyone had but everytime i learned more about christianity i learned that everyone had a different option about pretty much everything in the bible and everyone tells them god told them so. This started confusing me even more, how was i supposed to know what to do?
The people who believed in only saved by grace and the people who believed that you should become sinless both accused eachother of going to hell and they both had argument that were supported my the bible. I scared to get reaaallly scared, what if i chose wrong? God wasn't anwering my prayers asking him what i should do. I could go to hell for chosing wrong. I also felt really responsible for my family, i felt like i should convert them too because if i didn't they'll all go to hell because of me. I ended up leaning believing the: "salvation can be lost you have to be be sinless to enter heaven and give your life to god." way, because it seemed to easy for me to get saved that easy. One youtuber who believed that was finalcall007. He and some other people also believed that you could have nothing if it wasn't relivant to god, no goals or dreams, no hobbies no nothing, Only do what god tells you to do and nothing else because your adcievements don't matter in heaven, which i kinda understand but it's so depressing, i love making art and paintings and i had many dreams, and being told that that would get you into hell made me very depressed. I was depressed and scared, if that was the only way into heaven my family and friends should do that do, and i knew there was no way i could convince them to, the thought of them suffering in hell made me sick. I have alot of sibling including multiple babies/toddlers. Alot of christians believed that even toddlers could go to hell, and the thought of that happening i can't even discribe. Sometimes i gor comforted by theories that hell isn't biblical and it just meant to not exist anymore, but even that i couldn't know for sure. I started to get so depressed i couln't do anything anymore, i had points were i didn't want to live anymore. I started to get angry at god, how could he be so crual? I didn't ask to be born, and now i have to live my life a certain way or i'll be tormented for ever, If he was a god of love why would he ever send someone to hell, why can't he just forgive everyone? why do so many people have to suffer? how could he keep humanity alive knowing that most of his children are going to go to hell? I by the way still didnt 100% believe in god, i could say i mosly didn't but my though process was pertt much: "god probably doesn't exist but if i does you and everyone you love is going to be tormented for ever, so it's the best to be sure and just trow all your dreams away and completely dedicate your life to a god who probably doesn't exist and be terribly depressed" After all this anger i started convincing myself why god doen't exist and after a while i started becoming an athiest again(kinda). i meant to post did story when i was still in my religious stuggle but i never did, i came back to this because the fear of hell and my commiting the unforgivle sin starting playing in my head again. And my grandmother got lung cancer and im scared if i do nothing to make her repend or do SOMETHING she might go to hell if she doesnt beat the cancer and it's my fault ( the thought hurts my heart) I know this story is messy but my head is a mess, i thank you for taking the time to read it.
