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Dating A Non-Christian

Discussion in 'Christian Theology Forum' started by Paul9401, Dec 8, 2010.

  1. Paul9401

    Paul9401 New Member

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    Hello everyone,

    I'm new to this forum, and I'm not even sure how many people will actually read this, a lot I hope..

    Here is the thing,

    I'm almost 17 years old, and I've met this girl, and we're really good friends now.
    But we are really starting to like each other, I mean REALLY like each other, and I'm starting to get feelings for her.
    She even told me she has feelings for mee, too.

    I really like her and I think I'm falling in love with her.

    There's just one problem; She's not christian.
    I know I shouldn't be dating someone who's not a christian, because it just wont work, and I'm having a really hard time explaining that to her!
    She doesn't know anything about christianity.

    I really, really need help!

    And by that, I mean that I reaally need some good advice, fast.

    Thanks in advance.
     
  2. bigape

    bigape New Member

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    Hello Paul9401 and welcome to the forum.

    I can’t tell you how happy I am to see someone so young, with this degree of understanding.

    Over the years I have ministered to professing Christians twice your age, who had not idea, how wrong it was to date an unsaved person.
    --------------------------------------------------
    First of all(for everyone else), the unsaved are not less important then Christians are nor are they second class citizens.
    It’s just that God will not bless, when a Christian marries an unsaved person.....
    2 Corinthians 6:14
    “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”

    --------------------------------------------------
    You are right Paul, a marriage just wont work, between the two of you;
    But the good news is, there is nothing wrong with continuing to see her, now that the relationship has started.

    By all means, do everything in your power to avoid sin(of any kind), but I suggest that you start talking to her about your faith in Christ. Take her to Church with you.
    If she really cares for you, she will be open to the way you feel.
    Now she may not be open to the Gospel, but that is between her and the Lord.

    If things progress, be careful to not tell her, that “she has to get saved, before you can marry her”, because this may cause her to make a shallow profession.

    That’s another thing: Along with talking to her about your faith, start talking to her about your plans for their future relationship.
    If she firmly, has no plans for getting married, than you know that she is not the girl for you, and you need to break it off immediately.

    I will stop their, because you asked for help fast.

    I will be praying for you and her.
     
  3. TexUs

    TexUs New Member

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    To add to what's already been posted, just remember: the Holy Spirit saves, not you.
    You should have absolutely zero expectations that dating you or hanging around you will bring her to Christ.

    Now, can you be a model of Christ to her, just like you can to everyone else you are friends with? Yes! But it's up to the Holy Spirit to stir within her a reaction to that or not.

    But keep this as a friendship. Dating's purpose is debatable but I think most in Christian circles would tell you for the Christian, dating isn't "something to do" or for "fun" but rather for the purpose of getting to know the person better with marriage in mind... So I would say not to date this girl until she's met Christ.

    To that measure as already stated... Don't urge this or you'll get a false profession of faith. Just drop this idea completely. If, at some point in the future, she has a run-in with Christ and he opts to change her heart then you can re-evaluate!


    Edit- I don't know if your question was pertaining to this, but I will touch very briefly on why Paul is speaking against being unequally yoked in marriage. If you (or in this case, her) is a totally depraved and evil human as the Bible speaks of us, what common ground could you ever arrive at? None! Humans are self-absorbed creatures. Christ changes that and with Christ you have a solid rock, foundation, and common ground on which to build things together and should disagreements arise that foundation is the common ground to come back to. That common ground isn't common when unequally yoked.
     
  4. Paul9401

    Paul9401 New Member

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    Hello Bigape,

    Wow! Thank you verry much for your quick respsonse. I really apreciate it!

    But do I really have to think about marriage now? I mean, I'm only 16(almost 17) You said that there is nothing wrong with seeing her, and I'm sure about it.
    But what's the point of dating if you're sure that over time, it wont work?

    She's not really open to any religious things. She's like "I know there's gotta be something like a God, but I don't wanna think about it actually". And that's really hard for me.

    She did stop saying "Jesus!" when something goes wrong, and she almost never uses curse words anymore, at least not when I'm around. And she does that for me.

    Anyway, I want to tahnk you for your quick response, and the fact you will be praying. It really means a lot to me! I was really moved, reading you'd pray for someone you don't even know! That's what I call love!

    Thank you verrry much!
     
  5. TexUs

    TexUs New Member

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    No, you don't.
    Paul tells us it's better to remain single and focused on God's work, actually... But it's not a sin to marry if you can't help yourself.

    Personally I think High School dating is a pointless waste of time (How many HS relationships have led to anything???), so I say just drop the whole dating idea completely and just have fun while you can, nothing wrong with being friends with girls and chilling but don't try to make a relationship out of it...

    Exactly. There's no point to dating this girl.

    I'm not talking about dating anymore but of ministry... You might explore this option and ask her where she thinks she's going when she dies if a God does exist. If she believes a God exists then most likely she believes she'll be judged when she dies and that can open the door up for you to share the gospel with her.
     
  6. Paul9401

    Paul9401 New Member

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  7. mjrhealth

    mjrhealth Well-Known Member

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    If you love her, date her, if she loves you too, there is no problem. Sometimes christians can be so shall;ow in there faith. They where once not saved either, itys not up to you to save her, that is the job of the Holy Spirit, Just pray everyday, the Jesus will show Himself to her and that He may change you, and let Him do the work. There is nothing wrong in marrying her at a later date, if you are both in love, no one can say whether it will or will not work, just look at the divorce rate amongst christians. Be yourself and stop trying to do the Lords work, I do hope this all makes sense.

    In His Love
     
  8. Paul9401

    Paul9401 New Member

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    Thank you,
    what you are saying dóes make sense, in a way.

    But in another way, it doesnt.

    In my church, there are lots of people who come in every sunday alone, because their husband/wife are non-believers.

    I'm definatly not shallow, but the thing is, around me I see lots of people who are having a hard time and having trouble in their relationships because their partners don't believe.

    I don't know, it's just so hard..
     
  9. TexUs

    TexUs New Member

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    I'm saying it's pointless if nothing will come of it.
    It depends on what the point of dating is. How do you define it?

    "watching movies, eating, having fun, hanging out" is already defined by friendship
    "committed to each other and knowing each other deeply for the end view being marriage" is IMO what friendship does not define and what dating defines.


    Is kissing something you do to any friend? Or is it something you do to someone you've starting caring about (relationship phase)??? I think you need to be honest with yourself and put the brakes on this before it's too late. You can do the friendship thing, but snuggling on the couch, holding hands, kissing, long talks on the phone on an almost daily basis, these sorts of things are not what you do in normal friendships, at least any I've seen. Ask yourself, "Am I going beyond what I'd do with my guy buddies??" If the answer is yes, then it's probably more than friendship.

    If you both view yourselves as not to the full-on-committed standpoint I think you could just stop sitting so close and doing the things that surpass "friendship". If she tries to do the same thing, or thinks you're upset with her, you'll just have to explain why you think it's a bad idea. I don't think you're going to make her cry, in other words ;) She should take it fairly well. And if she does cry, well, that's your answer as to how far you had allowed it to progress.

    Except the Bible, if we truly believe it to be the word of God, says not to.


    Exactly. No one can say. So why date with the goal of marriage in mind if the Bible speaks ill of this?

    Why do you think that is, exactly?
    Perhaps because of people, exactly like you, that don't take Christ and his commands seriously enough and so marry each other unequally yoked?
     
  10. bigape

    bigape New Member

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    Hello again Paul9401

    You said........
    Yes you do, if your going to date.
    Admittedly 16, isn’t 17, but my wife and I got married at the age of 18, back in 1974, and we are still on our honeymoon.

    Although it’s is “better” to remain single as TexUs has said, but for the vast majority of people, this is just not an option.
    The Bible says........
    Genesis 2:18
    “And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”

    and

    1 Corinthians 7:1-2
    V.1 ¶ Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman.
    V.2 Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.


    Marriage has to be on your mind, because other things are going to be on your mind.
    And regardless of what anybody says, sex outside of marriage is sin!
    (A terrible kind of sin, that sticks to you.)
    --------------------------------------------------
    Next you said.....
    There is a difference in “seeing her” and “dating”.
    Seeing her can be innocent enough to be safe. But dating, can be dangerous so be careful.
    And when I say be careful, I am not talking about carrying a condom: I am talking about not making out at all.

    As has been said by others, Christian dating, is simply spending time together, so you can get to know one another.
    --------------------------------------------------
    You also said.......
    This is bad news, but it can change: The Holy Spirit will deal with her heart, when her heart is ready.
    --------------------------------------------------
    Lastly you said.......
    This is a good sign, but be careful, and take things slooooooooow!
     
  11. Paul9401

    Paul9401 New Member

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    Wow.. Why is it all so hard?

    When you say it like that, it seems we háve passed the friendship-phase..

    I just don't know.. I gotta think about this.. Everybody says different things.. I have no idea on what I should do..
    I do think it would be better not to date her, but that is really hard, and I really don't want that..

    Please, pray for me, I could really use the help from Someone who knows the best..

    Thank you for all your advide, especially Bigape, your words really touched me.

    I'm going to overthing this for a while, and most of all, ask Gods help in this.

    Thank you all for your advice, if there's anymore, I'm happy to hear!
     
  12. TexUs

    TexUs New Member

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    Don't take our advice without research. By all means, read the applicable scriptures to determine what should be done.

    2 Corinthians 6 contains unequally yoked passage.
    Ephesians 5 contains Christian household commands
    1 Corinthians 7 is perhaps the best chapter in the Bible regarding marriage.

    Read these for yourself, please.

    Another thought: the man is to be the spiritual leader of the family, and I ask you how that can be if she isn't on the same spiritual foundation as you?

    For people that've gone through this phase as a Christian I don't think you'll find anyone that hasn't had to struggle with this. God has these commands to protect us and for us to enjoy how he has designed things...
    You are indeed young and maybe this will just come with time, but I think you will find a solid Christian girl will be more beneficial to a relationship than one that's not.

    I've been in your situation once so I do understand. I also suspect you "enjoy the company of" this girl and it isn't true love (read 1 Corinthians 13) as God has in mind. I would even make the argument that true love doesn't exist apart from God anyway ;)
     
  13. deprofundis

    deprofundis New Member

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    I don't see any reason not to date her. If you both love each other and respect each other's beliefs (which seems to be the case, if she avoids taking His name in vain etc. around you), you won't be "unequally yoked." The Greek work translated as "unequally" in Corinthians is seen only once elsewhere in the Bible; in the book of Leviticus, the Lord tells us not to "unequally yoke" an ox and an ass since this would cause them to fall down. The danger is if you judge her (for that is the Lord's place, not ours), or if she cannot accept your faith, and thus you become yoked unequally, so that you cannot stand together because you end up resenting each other or your differences interfere with your Love (Love being, as Christ says, the fulfillment of the law).

    While I won't get into a debate on the sinfulness of sex outside of marriage (because it's not only contentious but I think it's hard to call, either way, since it comes down to interpretation and translation of words that had a lot of possible meanings in Greek and as many or more in English), I don't see how it's a "terrible Sin" that "sticks to you." Assuming it is a sin, it can be forgiven like any other.

    Also, why is the man the spiritual leader of the family?
     
  14. shineyourlight_x

    shineyourlight_x New Member

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    Hey :)
    Please know that the following isn't harsh - and I'm saying this out of love! :)
    I feel that you shouldn't date her. Once you get into a relationship with a nonbeliever, as much as you'll tell yourself you won't, they'll start pulling you down. You can tell yourself, 'Well, she'll change once we're in a relationship." If you want her to change, minister to her before dating. But don't start dating her until she becomes a believer. My friend, Alice, she met this guy named Affi. Affi wasn't a Christian and he was sleeping around and everything. Alice was a Christian and started ministering to Affi. Affi became interested, but Alice told him she wouldn't date him. After a while, and after much ministering, Affi became a Christian. And now he does Christian movies in the UK.

    See, Alice waited until Affi became a genuine Christian.
    I pray that you really seek God on this. Seek God on all levels. You should wait until He answers you. And know 100% that it's His voice talking to you.
     
  15. Angeldove

    Angeldove New Member

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    I'm basing my feedback on two experiences: my parents and one of my own relationships. I'm 25 and I am so very thankful that I am out of the age range that you are currently in--- it was horrible for me but looking back now I see why God lead me through that time in my life--- I'm a better Christian for it, but I also had to do with a lot of "growing pains".

    First off, my parents and their marriage. My Mom is this odd mix of Jehovah's Witness/Russian Orthodox/Gnostic (long story how she came through all of this), which is what I was raised on, but she always warned me to marry a Christian man once she saw how important my faith is to me. I realized what she meant when my own Dad (who God bless him, tried his best to be a good dad but clearly had issues from his own childhood and his father) started mocking me for my beliefs--- I became very aware of what he was doing to my own Mom since she considered herself a believer. Dad is atheist--- though I see him starting to change (Lord have mercy on him). Their marriage was a very clear indication of what happens when a couple is not of the same faith and also when the husband is not the religious leader of the family. I truly believe if my Dad was a Christian and led our family in faith that the depression and anxiety my sister and I both suffered through wouldn't have happened. (I'm also basing this off of knowing a really wonderful Pastor who became like my second Dad and was a real blessing in my life--- so I know the difference)

    Secondly, I decided to date a non-Christian once. It was awful for me--- he mocked me, abused me, and cursed our Lord and Savior. After dating him, I refused to ever date another non-Christian. I thought that perhaps God would use me to plant a mustard seed of faith in this guy, but even if I did, Satan clearly stamped it out. The guy was totally not like that at the beginning of our relationship--- he was respectful and open to listening but things did change. So while this young lady might be respectful to your faith NOW, down the road if you two do end up together she might change her mind.

    Now granted, ANYBODY can turn their back on the faith, but I honestly feel you have a better chance of that person returning to the faith if they were a Christian to begin with compared to dating a non-Christian who does not know the faith. Overall, there's nothing wrong with being friends with her, but if you're thinking of dating please please please pray over it and really see if that is wise.

    Blessings!
     
  16. bigape

    bigape New Member

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    Here are just a few Scriptures........
    Ephesians 5:3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;

    Ephesians 5:5 For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

    Ephesians 4:19 Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.
    Ephesians 4:20 But ye have not so learned Christ;

    Numbers 25:1 ¶ And Israel abode in Shittim, and the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab.

    Deuteronomy 23:17 There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel.
    Deuteronomy 23:18 Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the LORD thy God for any vow: for even both these are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

    Matthew 15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:

    Mark 7:21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders,

    Acts 15:20 But that we write unto them, that they abstain from pollutions of idols, and from fornication, and from things strangled, and from blood.

    Romans 1:29 Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,

    Romans 6:13 Neither yield ye your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.

    1 Corinthians 5:10 Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world.
    1 Corinthians 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

    1 Corinthians 6:9 ¶ Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

    1 Corinthians 6:13 Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.

    1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

    1 Corinthians 10:8 Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand.

    2 Corinthians 12:21 And lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and that I shall bewail many which have sinned already, and have not repented of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they have committed.

    Galatians 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
    Galatians 5:20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
    Galatians 5:21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

    Colossians 3:5 ¶ Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth; fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry:

    1 Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:

    1 Thessalonians 4:7 For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness.

    Hebrews 12:16 Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright.

    Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

    2 Peter 2:10 ¶ But chiefly them that walk after the flesh in the lust of uncleanness, and despise government. Presumptuous are they, selfwilled, they are not afraid to speak evil of dignities.

    Revelation 2:14 But I have a few things against thee, because thou hast there them that hold the doctrine of Balaam, who taught Balac to cast a stumblingblock before the children of Israel, to eat things sacrificed unto idols, and to commit fornication.

    Revelation 2:21 And I gave her space to repent of her fornication; and she repented not.

    Revelation 9:21 Neither repented they of their murders, nor of their sorceries, nor of their fornication, nor of their thefts.

    Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

    Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
     
  17. deprofundis

    deprofundis New Member

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    Where do any of those citations say it is beyond forgiveness? In most of them, it's mentioned alongside a laundry list of other sins, and none of them claim it "sticks to you" any more than any other sin for which one has not asked the Lord's forgiveness. If it's a sin, it's a sin for which one repents, and of which one can be cleansed and forgiven. You even cite Revelation 9:21, which explicitly mentions that it one can repent of fornication.
     
  18. Angeldove

    Angeldove New Member

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    This site offers some a nice outline of Scripture concerning marriage and discusses which Scripture supports the husband being the leader of the family: http://www.dianedew.com/marriage.htm


    Blessings!
    ~Tanya
     
  19. deprofundis

    deprofundis New Member

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    Most of the references to the husband as head of the household are from Corinthians and Ephesians, though, and it's important to consider the context of the letters, Corinthians especially. Corinthians had a wild and libertine lifestyle (even amidst the decadence of the Roman Empire), which did not allow their culture to connect to the gospel in the easy way many others could, through the proverbs and aphorisms of Christ; "Love is the fulfillment of the law," could easily have been taken as an indication to continue whoremongering in Corinthian culture at the time, which is why Paul's Epistles to the Corinthians provide much more concrete and rigid rules than are often found in the rest of the NT. Men were not faithful to their wives, so women did not respect their husbands, which is why both faithfulness and respect are heavily stressed. Men are told not it would be "better not to touch a woman," while women are not told the same of men, because it was not the lesson they needed to learn in that society. Similarly with women and their relationships with their husbands.

    I just know I've seen too many relationships that would've been a lot better with the wife providing spiritual guidance instead of the husband; I've seen a few fathers as spiritual leaders drive their children away from the faith with their words and deeds, when I honestly don't believe their mothers would have.
     
  20. bigape

    bigape New Member

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    I never said that a person could not repent of sexual sin:
    I said..........
    (It’s a terrible kind of sin, that sticks to you.)

    What I am talking about is the emotional baggage that comes with this sin.
    It’s not right to have multiple partners, therefore it damages us, in a real way!
     
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