Jokes

[amadeus]

Here's one saved from a few years ago:

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m and senator, and a decorated war hero from and elite navy unit from the United States of America.” So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump said, “I am going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in our country, and I will make America great again.” So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old school girl, “I have lived a good and full life and served my God the best I could. I will give my life and let you have the last parachute.”

The little girl said, “That’s Okay, Mr. Graham. There’s a parachute left for you. You see, the smartest man in America took my school bag.

 

[amadeus]

And then for the other side there was this one:

Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulder and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out the window and make 256 million people very happy.

 

[amadeus]

And then for the Canadians in the group:

WHAT TO DO?....

One winter morning a husband and wife in central Saskatchewan were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out!!
The good wife was very upset,and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all married men exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time my dear."

 

[marks]

And then for the other side there was this one:

Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulder and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.

Michelle added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, “Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out the window and make 256 million people very happy.

That got a good laugh!! Thank you!

 

[marks]

It was a beautiful Saturday morning, and the pastor decided it was the perfect time to finally paint the outside of the fellowship hall. So a trip to the hardware store, put on the grubbies, and he got to work. It was a nice color, and he was most of the way around the small building, when he realized, he was going to be a gallon or two short! Worse than that, the store was closing in 15 minutes, and he was covered in wet paint!

So he took the rest of the paint, emptied it into a bucket, and added some water to stretch it a little further. "That's not bad, I can hardly tell!", he said to himself. So in the fading light, he cleaned up, put everything away, and went home.

Won't they be suprised when they see what I did! We've been talking about it for months!

And when he arrived at church the next morning, sure enough, everyone was gathered around to see his work, but not as he had hoped! Because he saw in an instant what he missed the night before, you could plainly see where he had used the diluted paint.

And he knew in the same moment what he needed to to do. Repaint! And Thin Not!

 

[amadeus]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

" While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card."

 

[quietthinker]

And then for the Canadians in the group:

WHAT TO DO?....

One winter morning a husband and wife in central Saskatchewan were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out!!
The good wife was very upset,and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all married men exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time my dear."

Your last offering amadeus reminds me of the story of an anti aircraft gunner....

As the enemy planes came in thick and fast overhead and the Commanding Officer yelling out, 'fill the sky with flack gunner' the gunner went straight to it, rata tat tat, rata tat tat, rata tat tat firing his automated weapon enthusiastically. When some minutes had passed the Commanding Officer yelled at the gunner 'hey man, I don't see any planes coming down, lift your game' The gunner looked at him in shock and surprise replying 'you said fill the sky with flack, you said nothing of bringing enemy planes down'

This story reminds me of the many debates here on CB.....a lot of flack being fired but no targets being hit .....quiet the contrary to John the Baptists words 'the axe is even at the root of the tree'

 

[Behold]

What do you call a Boomerang that you Throw.......and it doesn't come back?




A.) A Stick

 

[Debp]

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl
called back to him.

For a year Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his
wife had a chat with her neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."

 

[Debp]

Covid-19 humor....

To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war, you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this.

- How come the liquor stores don't have empty shelves? Don't people understand that they will be quarantined with their spouses and kids?

- Mexico is asking Trump to hurry up and build the wall NOW!

To the people who bought 20 bottles of soap leaving none of the shelves for others, you do realise that to stop getting Coronavirus, you need other people washing their hands too.



*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.

 

[amadeus]

Diversity of Irish Culture

An Irish Teacher Turned to her class and asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.
Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister go to our chapel with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.
When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus".

Then we all go to the Bahamas.

 

[Behold]

A Dad who is a Pastor and his 15 yr old son were having a discussion about a 16th birthday car.
The Pastor Dad was explaining to his son, who had long hair, that he needed to get his hair cut before he would consider getting him a car for his 16th Birthday.
The son, hoping to keep his long hair and get the car.... says....>"well, Jesus had long hair".
To which the Pastor Dad replied...."yes, and Jesus walked everywhere He went".

 

[Berserk]

Mabel, a devout Methodist, was visiting her son's Baptist church at Thanksgiving. The pastor noticed the visitor, welcomed her, and asked her about her religious background. Mabel replied, "I'm a Methodist." "I see," the pastor replied, "and why are you a Methodist?" Mabel answered, "Because my mother was a Methodist and my father was a Methodist and my grandparents were all Methodists. So I'm a Methodist too." The frowning Baptist pastor retorted, "That's just doesn't make sense. Suppose I told you that my mother was a moron and my father was a moron and my grandparents were all morons, what would that make me?" Mabel dryly replied, "I guess that would make you a Baptist!"

 

[Sabertooth]

A dad joke that actually has a dad:

A father tells his son to be good while they're out grocery shopping.
The son asks, "If I'm good, will you give me five dollars?"
"Five dollars for being good?" the dad says in disbelief, "When I was your age, I was good for nothing!"

 

[Debp]

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

 

[Blue Dragonfly's]

According to the AP this morning, President Trump just announced plans going forward to identify as a “Woman” aka “President Donna Trump”.
In addition to eliminating the far left’s obsession with “diversity” in allowing “him” to become a “her”, it will also make “President Donna Trump” the “First Woman President!” to the consternation of Hillary, Pocahontas, Amy Clobuchar, Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand.
Additionally, by remaining married to Melania, he becomes the “First Gay President!”, the “First Lesbian President!” and the “First Lesbian President Married to an Immigrant!” all of which will undoubtedly be celebrated by Far Left Democrats across the entire country!
As he/her ended the announcement and walked from the microphones, he was heard to simply say . . .
“April Fool’s!”
MAGA!!!

 

[dev553344]

Here's one saved from a few years ago:

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m and senator, and a decorated war hero from and elite navy unit from the United States of America.” So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump said, “I am going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in our country, and I will make America great again.” So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old school girl, “I have lived a good and full life and served my God the best I could. I will give my life and let you have the last parachute.”

The little girl said, “That’s Okay, Mr. Graham. There’s a parachute left for you. You see, the smartest man in America took my school bag.

LOL

 

[Debp]

I saw a neighbor talking to her cat today, it was hilarious that she thought her cat could understand her. I went home and told my dog.


A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. “What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

 

[St. SteVen]

I met a couple whose marriage was so bad they had their license revoked.

 

[St. SteVen]

Covid-19 humor....

To those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war, you are being called to sit on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this.

- How come the liquor stores don't have empty shelves? Don't people understand that they will be quarantined with their spouses and kids?

- Mexico is asking Trump to hurry up and build the wall NOW!

To the people who bought 20 bottles of soap leaving none of the shelves for others, you do realise that to stop getting Coronavirus, you need other people washing their hands too.



*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.

https://soundcloud.com/user-426611522%2Fthat-thing-goin-round-special-thanks-to-andrea-rk-and-aaron-g