Marriage jokes

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Debp

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Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!



A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
 

Debp

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I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”



My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.



After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”
 
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Debp

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A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
 

marksman

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After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman— admit it!” she demanded.
“What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re it!”
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
“What are you doing?”
“Counting your ribs.”
 

Debp

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Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
 
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marksman

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
 

marksman

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At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
 

marksman

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
 
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marksman

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A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
 
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marksman

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When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
 
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Taken

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Husband to wife:
Honey, I missed you.
Wife to husband:
What are you going to do about that?
Husband to wife:
Put 're in Drive and try again.

Oops! LOL
 
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Taken

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  • At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
    The other replied, “Yes. I married the wrong man.”
 
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quietthinker

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I didn't know what happiness was until I got married then it was too late.
Interesting that it highlights the parties involved didn't have a clue how to pick a suitable mate. Could one say, children marrying children?