[SIZE=medium]This is a letter I wrote to a pastor years ago searching for somebody with answers.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium] Sorry to take your time. You probably have much better things to do than read this and rather busy schedule. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Anyway. I told you that it is a very long story so I will have to go back some ways to tell it all otherwise it will make little sense.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I grew up in Christian Pentecostal family back in USSR days. By the time 1980s came Christian churches were allowed under severe restrictions and constant watchful eye of KGB representative. Every service could only be conducted with one present to take notes. Every pastor and deacon did time or at least was arrested multiple times back in 60s and 70s. House services (without KGB agent present) were conducted but in the atmosphere of extreme secrecy and only long time trusted church members were invited. Some of those took place in our house.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]At the very early age, probably at twelve years of age if not younger I was baptized with the Holy Spirit. Signs of that did not last long and soon the whole episode was forgotten. I did not understand much about it anyway but later, years later I realized it literally saved my life.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Couple of years later, when I was 14 or so my father left Christianity and went into “spiritual search” all over broad spectrum of cults and religions which flooded USSR at that time. There is probably not a religion known to men that he did not belong to at one time or another. He left my mother with four of us kids and for next few years was in and out of our lives at will, basically coming and going as he pleased. For a while he was involved with yoga cult. Real yoga not the watered down, Westernized yoga known here in US. The real deal yoga with meditations, leaving body, calling spirits with mantras.... you name it. Real demonic stuff. By that time I was a teenager with no real beliefs or convictions and one day my father introduced me to the teacher of Kung-Fu who was also part of that yoga cult. He had his own little marshal arts school which I joined. He taught mix of Kung-Fu and yoga. 50/50. It was very attractive to me at that time. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Beside regular physical training and conditioning real focus was to introduce to the spiritual side of it all. Master himself was not trained by people. He was trained by spirit. (Now this is my story takes really weird turn. it is going a little deeper than most average people can bare.)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Master Michael was not your average marshal artist. He reached level, at which “spirit of Master” came to teach him things that no human ever would. Believe it or not but it is real. Master Michael could do things well beyond human capabilities. Some things that you see in those weird Chinese movies where people do humanely impossible things. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]He taught us in the way that we could take a “shortcut” and instead of years of physical training we could go up straight to the spiritual level. I did just that. After couple of years of this Kung-Fu yoga mix training I started getting some results. I could leave my body and go fly around for a while, leave my body and go run around as an animal. Short “visions” that only lasted for a very short time but felt absolutely real. On one occasion I could see my opponent throwing a strike at me and I could see his fist coming in such a slow motion that I could strike him several times before his strike even reached me. Small stuff, seconds of it here in there but it got me exited and involved even more until some way as I practiced at home, alone “spirit of master” came to teach me. Now that was a new turn for me. Not every day you see a spirit in your room. Spirit that was absolutely real, looking like those classic Shaolin masters you see in movies. After two short sessions I got a little scared. I just was not ready for going that deep and that is when everything changed. The very nice spirit became really nasty fast. He told me that I cannot leave now. It is too late, I am too deep and there is a price to pay. Soon I realized what price is. The only price that has worth in spiritual world the soul. I had to make a decision and basically give myself over or else. That is when I got really scared. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]At this point I remembered about God and things I was told in my childhood in church and cried out to God. There was nobody to help me. No human would understand me. I knew what outcome would be without God. I would commit suicide or end up in mental institution for severely insane. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Things got worse fast. As soon as I cried out to God I came under an unbelievable attack. I saw demons, scary ones, beyond description scary, heard demonic voices and laughs that were just as terrifying. Basically I was told to die, commit suicide if I wanted it all to stop, I was told that it was the only way... except.... curse the Holy Spirit and it will all be gone. All of it, the demons, the visions, voices... just curse or die.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Imagine all this going on in the head of 17 year old that had nobody to turn to. I barely held on to my sanity and kept crying on to God. There was even time when I heard somebody telling me something like “Yes, this is “god” go ahead...” What saved me is that deep inside I knew it was not God. Deep inside somebody was guiding me on the way out of this mess. I guess the Holy Spirit never really left me, He was there all along and his voice I suppressed with all that demonic stuff. Hard to imagine but He was still there.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I went to church, came to God. Denounced all the ties to everything I was previously involved in, things were looking up. In addition to that my family and me finally got permission from US embassy to come to US, something that we were waiting for more than three years. My father seemingly came back to Christ and to my family. Everything seemed to be better.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]There was on parallel story to this one. Kind of like extra chapter.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I met this girl on the bus. Love at first site and all... Her name was Lena (Helen). It was love as much as eighteen year old could understand. Beyond physical side I really did feel like she was my soul mate. After a while I noticed one odd thing about her. At times, at random she had these weird “mood swings” which were more serious than one can expect. She came out of those relatively fast and the love lived on. After a while it got more noticeable though. I kept trying to understand what is wrong, kept asking her about it. The only thing she told me was “you will not understand, I got it from my father”. Her father was a very violent man at times. I did not know him well but he treated me as a potential son in law and I did not see anything unusual about him.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Right around this time is when I had my spiritual transformation. I took her too church too and it seemed like she came to Christ as well. One Sunday I was sick with flu and did not come to church. This is when something happened to her. She got up in the middle of the service, threw a Bible at the pastor. Screamed in barely human voice..... and all that. The classic case of serious possession. Pastor and deacons took her to pastors house and prayed over her for couple of days. She completely lost it. Demon completely took her over. I just heard from people that were there about some things she did. On the second day her parents found her and took her to the mental institution. This is a last I heard about her for a while and I could not dare to come to her parent’s house since her father and brother blamed the whole thing on me. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Then came the final paperwork from US embassy and permission to leave from our government and we left the country.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Year or so later I got the letter from her here in US. Apparently after months of being isolated and medicated she got “normal” again. She got my address from my grandmother and wrote to me that she still loves me. I had to write her back. It was a very hard letter to write. I realized that the demon possessing her was still there and she was not willing to do what is necessary to become free of it. I think this demon is what she got from her father. It was some kind of family inherited demon.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Also my father is now very possessed man. My great grandmother was most likely a witch, my grandmother (my father’s mother) was witching some too. She got her husband by casting spells on him to make him fall in love with her. (I know how ridiculous it may sound but it is true). In this kind of cases offspring is probably dedicated, promised to the demon. So my father was most likely promised to the evil side before he was even born. (and so am I).[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]He did become Christian and it seemed like normal Christian for a little while but then he started getting into all kinds of weird cults and religions and went astray. At that point he was most likely not exactly possessed but only dedicated to the spirit and he could have fought that and get free if he wanted to but he did not.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]People that go in and out of Christianity like that do not stay free for long. Probably somewhere along his “spiritual quests” he got to the point of real possession and now he is in no control of himself. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]My childhood was a continuous nightmare of dealing with my father’s spiritual searches. He was coming and going. When he was with my family levels of his sanity were always quite unpredictable.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Well, here I am sixteen years later. Over these years I had my spiritual “highs” and “lows”. I could not stay in one church for long. I left one because I saw a huge spirit of pride behind the pastor one day, I saw a demon sitting on top of guy next to me. Sounds insane, I know. I prayed to God that I stop seeing things like that. It is just way to hard to live in this world with eyes open into the spiritual world. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]On couple of occasions God spoke to me. Yes, I know it sounds about as crazy as everything else I said before but it really happened. Like a lightning strike in the middle of clear day with words burned into my mind before I could even realize that I was spoken to. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]After all this long reading and thank you very much if you got though all that I am sure you cant wait to ask me what my question is, what is the point of telling this whole life story?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Thing is. My life experiences left me with extremely anti-social personality. I cannot relate to pretty much anybody. I told one pastor my story once and left him basically speechless. He is a good man, good pastor, he had his own very troublesome youth experiences but nothing that would lead him to understand my small problem.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I cannot relate to any Christians anywhere. It is like trying to relate to group of people blind from birth. People that never saw and try to communicate with them on the level of blind. The moment I mention anything about my experiences I get put into the corner for insane people and avoided from that time on. I am not saying that I am better than anybody or special in any way. Just different to the point of being too weird to be in the same room with. Should I just give up trying and spend the rest of my days more or less in spiritual isolation?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]My problem, also, it that I live with bulls eye on my back. I guess it is just very hard to be me, I get extremely tired of this at times. I get spiritual attacks that are vicious, clear and real in more ways than most can imagine. I know everybody comes under attacks but for me they are much harder since I am always absolutely alone and attacks are more real since I often see, or feel and hear the attackers. They are relentless after all, they never get tired. Sometimes I feel like I can just about loose it especially when on top of it all I get stressful day or two or more. Quiet times in my head are very rare occasions.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Anyway. I guess, in the way I just wanted to let you know who I am, where I come from and what kind of dangerous people wonder into your church. I do not expect definitive answers or miracles of any kind. Just hoping for advice of some sort that you may offer.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Sorry for my poor attempt to write in my poor English. It is my third language and I am not doing all that good.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Thank you very much for your time.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Daniel [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]This is the letter I wrote to another pastor few years ago. He did not know what to say. Since then I had few more “visions”. Out of the blue. In the middle of busiest time of my life all over sudden presence of God came upon me so strong I could barely move. Absolutely overwhelming presence of indescribable holiness, love and absence of time.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium](I have seen it before. Absence of time that is. Once on the way to church back in USSR when I all over sudden stepped into an Eternity and when I saw some guy I barely knew (who committed suicide) in Hell.)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Couple of weeks before that demon came to my room and woke me up. Just stood there. (I was kind of drunk though. All my experiences did not turn me into saint of any kind. Still have my “ups” and “downs”. Still live like a fail-able, tired and lonely human being.) Did not say anything but the presence of absolute evil was unmistakable. I prayed to God for protection and he left.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Few weeks before that I was leaving the store I was delivering to, opened back door… and stepped into another world. Light! Light not coming from some identifiable source like Sun or light bulb of any kind. Like the molecules of air were glowing. There were three barely visible beings there. Not clearly visible. They were like the shadows made of light and they looked at me with so much love and support that was unbelievable. It was like they were applauding without any applauds. Support, love and urge not to stop, to go on. I was in an utter shock. I just walked pass them, got into the truck and then came to my censes. Hit my head “what are you doing!?” Jumped out of the truck but they were gone![/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]What were they so approving of, go on where? All I do is scream and cry out to God day in and day out. Just about every minute of every day if I am not distracted by something else that is what I do. It has been several months, years, really and it is intensifying continuously. Before they came to cheer me on like that I was giving up. I just said: “I quit”. No more creaming to God, no more seeking Him on personal level, just try to be “normal”, like most every other Christian.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I seek God as much as I can. I seeked solitude and total devotion for many days in most remote places I could find and I got NOTHING. But then in the middle of my life absolutely out of the blue I get hit with these “visions” that I do not understand.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]There was a time about four years ago when demonic attacks go quite intense. I have seen demons in possessed people just walking pass me. I heard demons in them asking me “you want to see me…. huh.. huh…? At times. It got pretty bad. I took vacation to my favorite place in the world, Big Island Hawaii. While hiking in one of the more remote places of the island presence of God came upon me. The most amazing state of being there is. God told me “it will change” and it did. I did not see one demon for more then two years. I did not see anything unusual until I walked out the back of that store few months ago. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]There are few more things I have seen over the years.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I do not know. I do not understand why I need to see what I have seen and why I need to know what I know? It is almost like “What is wrong with me?”, “Why me?” I am such a “bucket case”. Few people I told my stories to are either speechless or they tell me to go seek professional help and get medicated. “Christians” by the way. It is like I live in the different world from pretty much everybody![/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]My biggest question is WHY? What is the point? I have been asking God this question for a long time and this is the question I do not get an answer to.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Anyway, like before, I am not asking for any miracles. Maybe an advise and an opinion.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Thank you.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Well. I do not as “why” anymore. After last experience I, finally, understand that “why” is in the mind of God. I am on the “need to know” bases and I do not need to know. I did not mention the most important experience of my life that happened to me recently. Just a few seconds in the presence of God himself! Few seconds in Heaven.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]For a while after few seconds in heaven I just totally fell apart. I mean, I literally screamed inside and cried often when nobody could see me. I did not want anybody see big, burly guy cry like a baby and I mean like a baby! Nobody could understand that, almost nobody. Same as almost nobody can understand the unbelievable, unimaginable state of being while in God’s presence, while I was one with God Himself! Everything in this world and whole world just totally lost any kind of meaning! Every waking moment my only thought, my only wish, my only desire was to go back into His presence! I screamed to God “now what?”, “how am I to live with what I know?” I was given no mission to go onto, no messages to deliver or preach… nothing. It took another profound experience from God to understand the answer to that.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Recently I had an experience (I do not call it a vision. I did not just see it. I was there to experience it.) Out of the blue long forgotten memories of events in my life started coming back. It was very unusual to say the least. All over sudden I remember something that happened to me that I forgot all about and then… flash… I see a “record” of it. I do not know how to describe it without drawing pictures but, anyway, memories kept coming back and “records” of them started forming this “thing”, kind of like a sphere, small star comprised of those “records”. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I asked God what it is. It was me! My record in the Book of Life, record of my character and everything that formed it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Then I saw one spot on it, like a gap, otherwise that “thing” was all completed. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I asked God “what is that hole?” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]God said: “it is you remaining character flaw that you have to fix” and He told me what it is.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]It was my alcohol abuse and tendency to hide from God in the bottle.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Recently thirst for God, for direct connection to God, which was there but somewhere way in the back of my mind, became just downright overwhelming. Fool that I am I was just trying to drown that thirst out. Instead of embracing the thirst I tried to hide from God in the bottle. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Once I comprehended that and made a decision to fix that hole God told me what my job is going to be in Millennial Kingdom. Before that moment I did not think much of anything about Millennial Kingdom. I heard about it but never even bothered to think about that subject and I most definitely had not a slightest concept about jobs in it or even need for any kind of jobs. Whole thing was totally, entirely out of the blue.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Now, I am not allowed to tell anybody what that job is but it was a biggest revelation for my life! Everything makes sense now! Everything that happened in my life, everything that did not happen in my life, everything was to form my character into one that can handle that job! We are to arrive there with our character fully formed to exactly fit our "job", something that we were created for by God from the very beginning! Our whole world that we know is just one large training ground for our characters![/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I used to think that if I was to go back in time I would tell my younger self to do something or not do something, to avoid mistakes, to prevent sufferings…. Not anymore! If I were to go back in time I would tell my younger self NOTHING! Everything that happened, happened for a reason! Even chronic loneliness makes cense now! If I had company of men I would not seek company of GOD![/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium] Sorry to take your time. You probably have much better things to do than read this and rather busy schedule. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Anyway. I told you that it is a very long story so I will have to go back some ways to tell it all otherwise it will make little sense.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I grew up in Christian Pentecostal family back in USSR days. By the time 1980s came Christian churches were allowed under severe restrictions and constant watchful eye of KGB representative. Every service could only be conducted with one present to take notes. Every pastor and deacon did time or at least was arrested multiple times back in 60s and 70s. House services (without KGB agent present) were conducted but in the atmosphere of extreme secrecy and only long time trusted church members were invited. Some of those took place in our house.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]At the very early age, probably at twelve years of age if not younger I was baptized with the Holy Spirit. Signs of that did not last long and soon the whole episode was forgotten. I did not understand much about it anyway but later, years later I realized it literally saved my life.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Couple of years later, when I was 14 or so my father left Christianity and went into “spiritual search” all over broad spectrum of cults and religions which flooded USSR at that time. There is probably not a religion known to men that he did not belong to at one time or another. He left my mother with four of us kids and for next few years was in and out of our lives at will, basically coming and going as he pleased. For a while he was involved with yoga cult. Real yoga not the watered down, Westernized yoga known here in US. The real deal yoga with meditations, leaving body, calling spirits with mantras.... you name it. Real demonic stuff. By that time I was a teenager with no real beliefs or convictions and one day my father introduced me to the teacher of Kung-Fu who was also part of that yoga cult. He had his own little marshal arts school which I joined. He taught mix of Kung-Fu and yoga. 50/50. It was very attractive to me at that time. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Beside regular physical training and conditioning real focus was to introduce to the spiritual side of it all. Master himself was not trained by people. He was trained by spirit. (Now this is my story takes really weird turn. it is going a little deeper than most average people can bare.)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Master Michael was not your average marshal artist. He reached level, at which “spirit of Master” came to teach him things that no human ever would. Believe it or not but it is real. Master Michael could do things well beyond human capabilities. Some things that you see in those weird Chinese movies where people do humanely impossible things. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]He taught us in the way that we could take a “shortcut” and instead of years of physical training we could go up straight to the spiritual level. I did just that. After couple of years of this Kung-Fu yoga mix training I started getting some results. I could leave my body and go fly around for a while, leave my body and go run around as an animal. Short “visions” that only lasted for a very short time but felt absolutely real. On one occasion I could see my opponent throwing a strike at me and I could see his fist coming in such a slow motion that I could strike him several times before his strike even reached me. Small stuff, seconds of it here in there but it got me exited and involved even more until some way as I practiced at home, alone “spirit of master” came to teach me. Now that was a new turn for me. Not every day you see a spirit in your room. Spirit that was absolutely real, looking like those classic Shaolin masters you see in movies. After two short sessions I got a little scared. I just was not ready for going that deep and that is when everything changed. The very nice spirit became really nasty fast. He told me that I cannot leave now. It is too late, I am too deep and there is a price to pay. Soon I realized what price is. The only price that has worth in spiritual world the soul. I had to make a decision and basically give myself over or else. That is when I got really scared. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]At this point I remembered about God and things I was told in my childhood in church and cried out to God. There was nobody to help me. No human would understand me. I knew what outcome would be without God. I would commit suicide or end up in mental institution for severely insane. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Things got worse fast. As soon as I cried out to God I came under an unbelievable attack. I saw demons, scary ones, beyond description scary, heard demonic voices and laughs that were just as terrifying. Basically I was told to die, commit suicide if I wanted it all to stop, I was told that it was the only way... except.... curse the Holy Spirit and it will all be gone. All of it, the demons, the visions, voices... just curse or die.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Imagine all this going on in the head of 17 year old that had nobody to turn to. I barely held on to my sanity and kept crying on to God. There was even time when I heard somebody telling me something like “Yes, this is “god” go ahead...” What saved me is that deep inside I knew it was not God. Deep inside somebody was guiding me on the way out of this mess. I guess the Holy Spirit never really left me, He was there all along and his voice I suppressed with all that demonic stuff. Hard to imagine but He was still there.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I went to church, came to God. Denounced all the ties to everything I was previously involved in, things were looking up. In addition to that my family and me finally got permission from US embassy to come to US, something that we were waiting for more than three years. My father seemingly came back to Christ and to my family. Everything seemed to be better.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]There was on parallel story to this one. Kind of like extra chapter.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I met this girl on the bus. Love at first site and all... Her name was Lena (Helen). It was love as much as eighteen year old could understand. Beyond physical side I really did feel like she was my soul mate. After a while I noticed one odd thing about her. At times, at random she had these weird “mood swings” which were more serious than one can expect. She came out of those relatively fast and the love lived on. After a while it got more noticeable though. I kept trying to understand what is wrong, kept asking her about it. The only thing she told me was “you will not understand, I got it from my father”. Her father was a very violent man at times. I did not know him well but he treated me as a potential son in law and I did not see anything unusual about him.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Right around this time is when I had my spiritual transformation. I took her too church too and it seemed like she came to Christ as well. One Sunday I was sick with flu and did not come to church. This is when something happened to her. She got up in the middle of the service, threw a Bible at the pastor. Screamed in barely human voice..... and all that. The classic case of serious possession. Pastor and deacons took her to pastors house and prayed over her for couple of days. She completely lost it. Demon completely took her over. I just heard from people that were there about some things she did. On the second day her parents found her and took her to the mental institution. This is a last I heard about her for a while and I could not dare to come to her parent’s house since her father and brother blamed the whole thing on me. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Then came the final paperwork from US embassy and permission to leave from our government and we left the country.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Year or so later I got the letter from her here in US. Apparently after months of being isolated and medicated she got “normal” again. She got my address from my grandmother and wrote to me that she still loves me. I had to write her back. It was a very hard letter to write. I realized that the demon possessing her was still there and she was not willing to do what is necessary to become free of it. I think this demon is what she got from her father. It was some kind of family inherited demon.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Also my father is now very possessed man. My great grandmother was most likely a witch, my grandmother (my father’s mother) was witching some too. She got her husband by casting spells on him to make him fall in love with her. (I know how ridiculous it may sound but it is true). In this kind of cases offspring is probably dedicated, promised to the demon. So my father was most likely promised to the evil side before he was even born. (and so am I).[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]He did become Christian and it seemed like normal Christian for a little while but then he started getting into all kinds of weird cults and religions and went astray. At that point he was most likely not exactly possessed but only dedicated to the spirit and he could have fought that and get free if he wanted to but he did not.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]People that go in and out of Christianity like that do not stay free for long. Probably somewhere along his “spiritual quests” he got to the point of real possession and now he is in no control of himself. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]My childhood was a continuous nightmare of dealing with my father’s spiritual searches. He was coming and going. When he was with my family levels of his sanity were always quite unpredictable.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Well, here I am sixteen years later. Over these years I had my spiritual “highs” and “lows”. I could not stay in one church for long. I left one because I saw a huge spirit of pride behind the pastor one day, I saw a demon sitting on top of guy next to me. Sounds insane, I know. I prayed to God that I stop seeing things like that. It is just way to hard to live in this world with eyes open into the spiritual world. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]On couple of occasions God spoke to me. Yes, I know it sounds about as crazy as everything else I said before but it really happened. Like a lightning strike in the middle of clear day with words burned into my mind before I could even realize that I was spoken to. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]After all this long reading and thank you very much if you got though all that I am sure you cant wait to ask me what my question is, what is the point of telling this whole life story?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Thing is. My life experiences left me with extremely anti-social personality. I cannot relate to pretty much anybody. I told one pastor my story once and left him basically speechless. He is a good man, good pastor, he had his own very troublesome youth experiences but nothing that would lead him to understand my small problem.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I cannot relate to any Christians anywhere. It is like trying to relate to group of people blind from birth. People that never saw and try to communicate with them on the level of blind. The moment I mention anything about my experiences I get put into the corner for insane people and avoided from that time on. I am not saying that I am better than anybody or special in any way. Just different to the point of being too weird to be in the same room with. Should I just give up trying and spend the rest of my days more or less in spiritual isolation?[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]My problem, also, it that I live with bulls eye on my back. I guess it is just very hard to be me, I get extremely tired of this at times. I get spiritual attacks that are vicious, clear and real in more ways than most can imagine. I know everybody comes under attacks but for me they are much harder since I am always absolutely alone and attacks are more real since I often see, or feel and hear the attackers. They are relentless after all, they never get tired. Sometimes I feel like I can just about loose it especially when on top of it all I get stressful day or two or more. Quiet times in my head are very rare occasions.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Anyway. I guess, in the way I just wanted to let you know who I am, where I come from and what kind of dangerous people wonder into your church. I do not expect definitive answers or miracles of any kind. Just hoping for advice of some sort that you may offer.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Sorry for my poor attempt to write in my poor English. It is my third language and I am not doing all that good.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Thank you very much for your time.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Daniel [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]This is the letter I wrote to another pastor few years ago. He did not know what to say. Since then I had few more “visions”. Out of the blue. In the middle of busiest time of my life all over sudden presence of God came upon me so strong I could barely move. Absolutely overwhelming presence of indescribable holiness, love and absence of time.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium](I have seen it before. Absence of time that is. Once on the way to church back in USSR when I all over sudden stepped into an Eternity and when I saw some guy I barely knew (who committed suicide) in Hell.)[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Couple of weeks before that demon came to my room and woke me up. Just stood there. (I was kind of drunk though. All my experiences did not turn me into saint of any kind. Still have my “ups” and “downs”. Still live like a fail-able, tired and lonely human being.) Did not say anything but the presence of absolute evil was unmistakable. I prayed to God for protection and he left.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Few weeks before that I was leaving the store I was delivering to, opened back door… and stepped into another world. Light! Light not coming from some identifiable source like Sun or light bulb of any kind. Like the molecules of air were glowing. There were three barely visible beings there. Not clearly visible. They were like the shadows made of light and they looked at me with so much love and support that was unbelievable. It was like they were applauding without any applauds. Support, love and urge not to stop, to go on. I was in an utter shock. I just walked pass them, got into the truck and then came to my censes. Hit my head “what are you doing!?” Jumped out of the truck but they were gone![/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]What were they so approving of, go on where? All I do is scream and cry out to God day in and day out. Just about every minute of every day if I am not distracted by something else that is what I do. It has been several months, years, really and it is intensifying continuously. Before they came to cheer me on like that I was giving up. I just said: “I quit”. No more creaming to God, no more seeking Him on personal level, just try to be “normal”, like most every other Christian.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I seek God as much as I can. I seeked solitude and total devotion for many days in most remote places I could find and I got NOTHING. But then in the middle of my life absolutely out of the blue I get hit with these “visions” that I do not understand.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]There was a time about four years ago when demonic attacks go quite intense. I have seen demons in possessed people just walking pass me. I heard demons in them asking me “you want to see me…. huh.. huh…? At times. It got pretty bad. I took vacation to my favorite place in the world, Big Island Hawaii. While hiking in one of the more remote places of the island presence of God came upon me. The most amazing state of being there is. God told me “it will change” and it did. I did not see one demon for more then two years. I did not see anything unusual until I walked out the back of that store few months ago. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]There are few more things I have seen over the years.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I do not know. I do not understand why I need to see what I have seen and why I need to know what I know? It is almost like “What is wrong with me?”, “Why me?” I am such a “bucket case”. Few people I told my stories to are either speechless or they tell me to go seek professional help and get medicated. “Christians” by the way. It is like I live in the different world from pretty much everybody![/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]My biggest question is WHY? What is the point? I have been asking God this question for a long time and this is the question I do not get an answer to.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Anyway, like before, I am not asking for any miracles. Maybe an advise and an opinion.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Thank you.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Well. I do not as “why” anymore. After last experience I, finally, understand that “why” is in the mind of God. I am on the “need to know” bases and I do not need to know. I did not mention the most important experience of my life that happened to me recently. Just a few seconds in the presence of God himself! Few seconds in Heaven.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]For a while after few seconds in heaven I just totally fell apart. I mean, I literally screamed inside and cried often when nobody could see me. I did not want anybody see big, burly guy cry like a baby and I mean like a baby! Nobody could understand that, almost nobody. Same as almost nobody can understand the unbelievable, unimaginable state of being while in God’s presence, while I was one with God Himself! Everything in this world and whole world just totally lost any kind of meaning! Every waking moment my only thought, my only wish, my only desire was to go back into His presence! I screamed to God “now what?”, “how am I to live with what I know?” I was given no mission to go onto, no messages to deliver or preach… nothing. It took another profound experience from God to understand the answer to that.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Recently I had an experience (I do not call it a vision. I did not just see it. I was there to experience it.) Out of the blue long forgotten memories of events in my life started coming back. It was very unusual to say the least. All over sudden I remember something that happened to me that I forgot all about and then… flash… I see a “record” of it. I do not know how to describe it without drawing pictures but, anyway, memories kept coming back and “records” of them started forming this “thing”, kind of like a sphere, small star comprised of those “records”. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I asked God what it is. It was me! My record in the Book of Life, record of my character and everything that formed it.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Then I saw one spot on it, like a gap, otherwise that “thing” was all completed. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I asked God “what is that hole?” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]God said: “it is you remaining character flaw that you have to fix” and He told me what it is.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]It was my alcohol abuse and tendency to hide from God in the bottle.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Recently thirst for God, for direct connection to God, which was there but somewhere way in the back of my mind, became just downright overwhelming. Fool that I am I was just trying to drown that thirst out. Instead of embracing the thirst I tried to hide from God in the bottle. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Once I comprehended that and made a decision to fix that hole God told me what my job is going to be in Millennial Kingdom. Before that moment I did not think much of anything about Millennial Kingdom. I heard about it but never even bothered to think about that subject and I most definitely had not a slightest concept about jobs in it or even need for any kind of jobs. Whole thing was totally, entirely out of the blue.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]Now, I am not allowed to tell anybody what that job is but it was a biggest revelation for my life! Everything makes sense now! Everything that happened in my life, everything that did not happen in my life, everything was to form my character into one that can handle that job! We are to arrive there with our character fully formed to exactly fit our "job", something that we were created for by God from the very beginning! Our whole world that we know is just one large training ground for our characters![/SIZE]
[SIZE=medium]I used to think that if I was to go back in time I would tell my younger self to do something or not do something, to avoid mistakes, to prevent sufferings…. Not anymore! If I were to go back in time I would tell my younger self NOTHING! Everything that happened, happened for a reason! Even chronic loneliness makes cense now! If I had company of men I would not seek company of GOD![/SIZE]
