Please help

[Cardinal1990]

I'm having a problem and it's stressing me out..
I wanted to talk about it on here because maybe someone could give me advice.

So my Boyfriend and I have been keeping his sisters two daughters since October of last year. She wasn't around to care for her kids and the father couldn't do it alone so he gave them us to keep for a year. The mother has many addictions and just can't seem to stop. She went to rehab many times but she always ends up doing the same thing over and over again. She'll be leaving for rehab which is good but this seems like a routine. Her and the kids dad always get together then break up again.. They've been doing this since day one! He abuses her, cheats on her and she cheats on him.
Anyway, my boyfriend and I were talking about adopting them. Would that be mean to do?
This has been on my mind for so long. I don't know what to do.. I pray about it but I have no idea what to do! I don't want the girls to go grow up in that environment. I hate to say this but the parents aren't doing a very good job at being parents. The kids went visit their parents and they ALWAYS come back dirty, smelly, sick and what not. I want these girls to be mine, is that selfish? I don't think the parents will ever change their ways! I'm scared to even let them go visit anymore because their mom tried to drown one of them before and no one called the cops on her. The older girl told me her dad touched her and I reported it but nothing was done. I just want yo protect them..
What should I do? Should I try get custody of them? Or give the parents a chance even though I feel nothing will ever change with them.
I'm so stressed cuz of this! I lose sleep cuz of this.

Please help
I know this isn't the place for this...

 

[justaname]

We are to care for the orphans and widows...I see these children as orphans personally...

I can not give professional advice, yet from a spiritual perspective the biological donors are not parents...at least not yet.

If you do adopt be sure to record all experiences that deem the donors unfit for parenting...time, date, experience, effect on child. Also be aware in most states the children are to be reunited to the biological donor whenever possible.

 

[HammerStone]

Well, none of us here are legal professionals, so I always give that reminder when covering anything that deals with law!

From the spiritual side, I think you need to be careful in this for a couple reasons. You mentioned that these children are your boyfriend's nieces. I think the key word there is boyfriend. I hesitate for you to take them in unless you and your boyfriend are ready to make a commitment. Please don't let this issue force it, but the last thing these poor girls need is to go from one home that's broken to another home where they may see yet another example of brokenness. It sounds like you've had them a while so you've seen it to a degree, but taking care of kids places stress on your relationship so keep that in mind.

Secondly, I am a fan of kids staying with their parents, but it sounds like there is a very real issue of hear of these girls not seeing any semblance of a stable home. You probably need to key in on how the situation with the mother and father is in terms of them wanting to keep the children, because if they're willing then it will go a lot easier from what I know. I think sometimes these parents are able to see beyond a cycle of addiction and want what is best for their kids, but it's not always so rosy.

I am in prayer for you, your boyfriend, those children, and even their parents. Terrible situation.

 

[StanJ]

You need to get local and professional social assistance in this regard. IMO, you are NOT in the right position to take this on.

 

[Angelina]

This is a difficult situation that needs a second opinion someone who works in this particular field. Some times our world can be colored due to our closeness of the situation. Try finding someone in a professional capacity, whom you can discuss this with "off the record". :huh:

Praying...

 

[OzSpen]

I'm having a problem and it's stressing me out..
I wanted to talk about it on here because maybe someone could give me advice.

So my Boyfriend and I have been keeping his sisters two daughters since October of last year. She wasn't around to care for her kids and the father couldn't do it alone so he gave them us to keep for a year. The mother has many addictions and just can't seem to stop. She went to rehab many times but she always ends up doing the same thing over and over again. She'll be leaving for rehab which is good but this seems like a routine. Her and the kids dad always get together then break up again.. They've been doing this since day one! He abuses her, cheats on her and she cheats on him.
Anyway, my boyfriend and I were talking about adopting them. Would that be mean to do?
This has been on my mind for so long. I don't know what to do.. I pray about it but I have no idea what to do! I don't want the girls to go grow up in that environment. I hate to say this but the parents aren't doing a very good job at being parents. The kids went visit their parents and they ALWAYS come back dirty, smelly, sick and what not. I want these girls to be mine, is that selfish? I don't think the parents will ever change their ways! I'm scared to even let them go visit anymore because their mom tried to drown one of them before and no one called the cops on her. The older girl told me her dad touched her and I reported it but nothing was done. I just want yo protect them..
What should I do? Should I try get custody of them? Or give the parents a chance even though I feel nothing will ever change with them.
I'm so stressed cuz of this! I lose sleep cuz of this.

Please help
I know this isn't the place for this...

Cardinal,

Let me speak as a Christian and a counsellor. I've recently retired after 34 years as a family and general counsellor and counselling manager, the last 17 years full-time. After reading your situation, a few things come to mind:

1. These children need protection and you have been protecting them since Oct 2014. How old are they?
2. I don't know where you live, but here in Australia, I would be (with your permission) going with you to the child protection dept to seek an order for their protection.
3. If your statements about the parents can be verified, I as a counsellor would have an ethical obligation to report the parents to the child safety dept.
4. Therefore, I think the place to begin is not with adoption, but with safety of the children. You are ideally suited to offer them this safety, but please do it through legal channels. It's a legal minefield if you don't.
5. These children are being abused physically, mentally and from what you have said about what the father did, seems to be sexually. These are reportable offences here in Australia.

May the Lord give you much wisdom as you are there for these children to offer them a Christian environment and safety. May the Lord bless you big time. But expect resistance from the parents.

In Christ,
Oz

 

[Cardinal1990]

Thank you all for commenting.
The older girl will be 4 next month and the younger girl is 15 months old.
I'm waiting for a call back, I'm going to tell them what I know.

Sorry, I should've said common-law spouse haha my mistake.

They also have a older son he is 8 years old I believe. He has seen a lot! He doesn't seem like a regular 8 year old.. if that makes sense.

I don't know.. guess I'll just take the advice and get professional help but thanks :)

GBY

 

[StanJ]

Good decision and you're welcome!

 

[HammerStone]

Cardinal, going about it the legal and proper way is the right way! Bravo on that!

I hate to throw in a book in a topic like this, but I am reading the Robert Putnam book Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis. One of the things that has struck me, perhaps even more than I already knew, is how cycles of broken homes simply repeat themselves. I would even go as far as calling it very much a generational curse. If you can at all help these kids find the love and safety that they so desperately seem to need, then please do it. It will be their best shot at getting out of the cycle, because the chances are almost assured that they'll end up just like their parents someday if it stays status quo. Of course, the prayer is always there that the parents will someday repent. God can work miracles like that, so I also urge you to continue to pray in tandem with seeking the necessary professional help.

 

[Cardinal1990]

Cardinal, going about it the legal and proper way is the right way! Bravo on that!

I hate to throw in a book in a topic like this, but I am reading the Robert Putnam book Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis. One of the things that has struck me, perhaps even more than I already knew, is how cycles of broken homes simply repeat themselves. I would even go as far as calling it very much a generational curse. If you can at all help these kids find the love and safety that they so desperately seem to need, then please do it. It will be their best shot at getting out of the cycle, because the chances are almost assured that they'll end up just like their parents someday if it stays status quo. Of course, the prayer is always there that the parents will someday repent. God can work miracles like that, so I also urge you to continue to pray in tandem with seeking the necessary professional help.

Thanks for your reply.
Appreciate it :)