Real Fake News from The Inside Tipster

[Giuliano]

Two White House insiders have told reporters at the Inside Tipster that the President had been begging Melania if she would appear at campaign rallies. "What would it take, honey," he asked. The First Lady said she would appear if she had the right intro music playing when she appeared on stage. She said, "Stuck in the Middle with You." Donald said, "I don't remember that song." "Sure you do," Melania said and began to sing:

 

[Prayer Warrior]

Two White House insiders have told reporters at the Inside Tipster that the President had been begging Melania if she would appear at campaign rallies. "What would it take, honey," he asked. The First Lady said she would appear if she had the right intro music playing when she appeared on stage. She said, "Stuck in the Middle with You." Donald said, "I don't remember that song." "Sure you do," Melania said and began to sing:

Sounds like gossip to me—right up your alley.

 

[Giuliano]

Exclusive transcript of White House audio tape from confidential source

DT: Are we all here?

KC: Yes, Mr. President, I think so.

DT: So Brad, start off by telling us how it's going with the dead people vote. Will there be enough there to offset the mail-in ballots of the Democrats?

BP: I think so. As you know, Steve sent out checks to over a million dead people. Traditional methods of polling couldn't be used since most dead people don't have phones in their own names. We overcame that obstacle two ways. We verified the addresses and incomes of the recipients. Most of the checks to red areas in blue states. We estimated by using this method that about half a million votes could be cast for you in key blue states. Steve did it right. We also had people on the ground knocking on doors and reached about a thousand of the dead people. Ninety percent said they would be voting for you this November. Which method of estimating the numbers is in doubt, but both methods show great promise.

MT: Dead people can vote?

DT: Oh Melania, they're not really dead. They told the IRS they're dead so they can stop paying taxes. They can still vote.

MT: How clever!

 

[Giuliano]

Several sources inside the White House have informed The Inside Tipster that Melania has been overheard singing "You Can Be Replaced" and "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" when she thinks no one is around.