Unsure whether to help family? Please help and pray...

[Tom_Is_Second]

Hi all,

I need some prayer and guidance on what to do with my parents. I'm 24, single, business professional living on my own in another state. However, because my parents are seeing me as the only stable one in the family (Dad is underemployed, brother is married to a psycho out of a Hitchcock movie), my Mom is always coming to me to fix their problems. I have worked really hard to achieve in a year what would take others 10 years, and my salary went up 30%. So I have everybody in my family coming to me because they think I have everything, and I have had to establish several boundaries to prevent them from taking over my life and clearing out my savings account. At one point a few months ago, my family's drama drove me to anxiety attacks and I went to counseling for it.

Recently, my uncle whom I've never met started dying in the hospital. He is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who molested my Mom as a teen. My Mom hasn't seen him for 24 years, but she wants to go fly there to forgive him. Because Dad is being difficult, she wants me to take a day off of work and go with her tomorrow. I told her I did not want to use my much needed vacation time to visit a side of the family I've never met in my life, much less one with a very dark history. In my mind, if she wants to go confront her demons fine... but I am burnt out taking up my family's problems and baggage when I'm trying to start my own life. I've done so much for them already. I can't take any more baggage especially when I'm lonely from working so much and I'm trying to build a personal life outside of work.

Am I heartless? Is it my responsibility to keep being the man in the family? Am I heartless for telling my Mom she has to go on her own? I feel guilt-tripped so much to do things for them and I always feel used afterwards : (

 

[HeRoseFromTheDead]

If this is the way they want to play the game, here's a word of advice: whenever you get a raise, keep it to yourself.

 

[Angelina]

Hmmm...what is God telling you? Praying...

 

[Niki]

Hi Tom

I understand about family drama. Considering what you have written, it seems you have overextended yourself in your efforts to aid people who are
somewhat black holes when it comes to needing emotion, financial and possibly spiritual support.

It is not within your ability to straighten any of these people out...as you probably have already found out. It is also not your responsibility to financially
support other family members who cannot get their act together...Christian or otherwise...continuing to run to their aid only enables them to continue
as they have.

Should you help a close family member if they really are in a bind? I would say yes but better to just give them financial support without expecting repayment.

I would say no if they have continued to expect you to be their loan manager.

I think it makes for very bad family relationships for you to take the place of your dad...I really think that is an issue your mom and dad need to resolve themselves.

You are not your dad and your mom should not even really ask you. I speak from experience and as someone who always tried to help other family members and
in the end was basically used up and not thanked for it.

There are definite Biblical principals that can be applied here. You have left home and moved away and having left home, you have sorted yourself out and become
successful at a pretty young age. The continued interference of your dysfunctional family has stressed you out and you feel guilty.

Ask yourself if you think God expects you to spend your life on people who really need to learn to stand on their own two feet...and guilt, is not an emotion that
God burdens us with...guilt, occurs when someone manipulates us into doing things for them...as long as we are at their beck and call, all is good. But, should
we try to extricate ourself out of what becomes a bad relationship,then we 'feel' guilt. This, is actually a false burden...you have to learn to say no.....without resentment...
for your own good and peace of mind.

You will see, that these helpless people either start 'to do' for themself, or they will find another person to seek help from.

 

[Rex]

Well Tom I see it bit differently than the Ann Landers type of advice. I see it as great opportunity to demonstrate christian principles to your family, to show them that something with-in you is greater than the dollar, like trusting in the Lord instead of trusting in your job and finances. Because if you really strip way all the story line that's what it amounts to, security, the comfort, the fortress money offers. In reality I suspect your looking for support to justify walking away so you can cuddle up with your new found source of security. I won't go and post the dozens of verses that support what I just said but, Ecclesiastes 7:12 is in order here. "wisdom is shelter just as money is a shelter the difference being wisdom preserves the life of the beholder"

Maybe what you really need to understand is, where is your treasure? because where ever it is their will also be your heart.

Don't take it to personally Tom I see it all the time, professing Christians confronted with the troubles in this world, forever determining there way based on finances instead of bible principles.

Running to the money shelter and closing the door behind you, good luck with that and I'm sure some of the very few that will read this will know what I'm speaking about.

 

[Niki]

Tom ~ I think the concern most people have for you in this thread, is the emotional drain of the problems of your family. Being a Christian does not mean you allow
others to rob you of your resources...we are to be good stewards of our money.

I'm sorry that some seem to think the emphasis is on money. I certainly don't think that at all.

God is our true refuge and help in time of trouble. I think you need to see this in a balanced way and not in the light of sarcastic responses or other hurtful expressions.

You are not heartless....I understand that you are torn regarding your mom...but I also do not think it wise to come between your parents and their decisions. As your mom
was molested by this uncle, your dad may have reasons for not wanting to go..though perhaps he should support your mother.

You might consider talking it over with him...and by the way, I don't give advice outside of what I believe God indicates in scripture.

I hope you can come to resolution...be sure that God knows the situation and praying for wisdom and the resolve to act in wisdom, will give you peace as God
works out this situation in your family.

I've been there and I totally understand.

 

[Rex]

You've been there have you?
There's a lot more going on with Tom than this thread, do you know how to find post by members to take a look at the full story Tom has shared here? He has 10 post. My guess is Tom gave his life to the Lord after meeting the "christian" girl that dumped him. That voice in his head tells him to indulge himself, take the money and have a blast, and your supporting that choice. Screw the faulty family and get on with your life. Ohh but your dad should support your mother and you should have a talk with him about it ...................please,

BTW moms the puppet master quote from OP "Mom is always coming to me to fix their problems."

You are not heartless....I understand that you are torn regarding your mom...but I also do not think it wise to come between your parents and their decisions. As your mom
was molested by this uncle, your dad may have reasons for not wanting to go..though perhaps he should support your mother.

You might consider talking it over with him...and by the way, I don't give advice outside of what I believe God indicates in scripture.

I'm 24, male. I've surrendered my life to God about 8 months ago. He has blessed me even in this wretched economy and I'm in a very high profile position at a Fortune 500 company.

However, recently I got hurt by someone who professed to be a Christian and appeared to have her spiritual life together. I looked up to her and wanted to be like her, but she turned out to be broken and severely messed up like everyone else. I'm aware none of us are perfect, but I became pretty embittered after that and stopped praying for a few weeks.

Despite that, my career has been soaring. I am single-handedly, at the age of 24, writing algorithms that direct billions of dollars of revenue a year. I keep going on the up and up and everyone is telling me how wonderful I am and all that. I used to be good at thanking God for everything He's given me, but I don't know why I choose to still be angry with Him.

Without God, it's not pride that is going to hurt me; it's my inability to handle success. I'm told by strangers I'm attractive but I've been lonely all my life. I've been the guy in the corner studying quietly and was invisible to everyone. I had no money and I was broke. Now my life turns upside down and I am surrounded by corporate professionals telling me how amazing I am. Women are throwing themselves at me and everything is just so surreal. All this success, praise, and attention has to be a dream.

I'm still mad at God, He put a nice Christian girl in my life only to have her hurt me and make me question my own faith. There's a voice in my head telling me to indulge in all the pleasures I've been starved from all my life: wealth, power, worldliness, materialism, sleeping around, etc. What am I saving myself for? I know that if I go down that road I could risk losing everything I have gained. Someone please pray for me

This young man needs to sort out his young christian experience and decide who it is he servers or whom he is going to serve.

So far I see several masters and very little talk about his seeking the Lord. He won't be so thirsty for the ways of the world If he's seeking a drink of the waters of life.
The Lord strengthens those that seek Him out. You can't walk with one foot in your past and one foot in the Lord, you can't serve both mammon and the Lord as well.

Ohh and it sounds like most of this guys problems are girl related
Mom
gold digger hotties
and christian female singles

[edited]

Thank you Angelina

This kid just needs to man up in the ways of men walking in the Lord.
Before these women take him down to Davy Jones locker before his life even gets started.

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

For what it's worth. I think supporting your mum at this time as she is going to see the man who abused her but is wanting to relay forgiveness to him, is a good idea. i.e. a good work in scriptural terms. I know it might be difficult to discern the wood from the tree's, as much is meshed up in your family. But if you will stand back and view this particular incident from God's point of view and your mother's. I think you will come to the same conclusion. :)

 

[Rex]

Granted JB

But explain to me why Tom needs to go along and hold moms hand in light of the tragic event and never knowing the man.

Another consideration is this, mom has let the event shape his opinion "Tom" and perhaps accounts for the poor relationship from everyone around mom, who knows how far reaching the effects are. In other words she is the one that has let it sit and fester for 24 years, she has not chosen to keep it confidential even from her children, it involves and probably effects everyone of the members of the household on both sides. How do you suppose his brother feels knowing his brother raped his wife before the were probably married. Then he married the woman, you see where this leads into a can of crap that has been festering and allowed to fester for years. Don't you think it notable that Tom is 24 and the event took place 24 years ago. I wouldn't touch this with personal advice with a 10 foot pole, to many unanswered questions. Who knows Tom may be his son!!!!!!!!

Tom concentrate on getting right with the Lord and the broken pieces of your life will begin to make sense.

Tom has that thought accured to you? that your uncle could be your father?
By your age 24 and the number of years ago since your mom last saw him 24, I presume she hasn't seen him since the rape.
You may want to brace yourself for another roller coaster ride thanks to mom.

may the Lord be with you.

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

Granted JB

But explain to me why Tom needs to go along and hold moms hand in light of the tragic event and never knowing the man.

Another consideration is this, mom has let the event shape his opinion "Tom" and perhaps accounts for the poor relationship from everyone around mom, who knows how far reaching the effects are. In other words she is the one that has let it sit and fester for 24 years, she has not chosen to keep it confidential even from her children, it involves and probably effects everyone of the members of the household on both sides. How do you suppose his brother feels knowing his brother raped his wife before the were probably married. Then he married the woman, you see where this leads into a can of crap that has been festering and allowed to fester for years. Don't you think it notable that Tom is 24 and the event took place 24 years ago. I wouldn't touch this with personal advice with a 10 foot pole, to many unanswered questions. Who knows Tom may be his son!!!!!!!!

Tom concentrate on getting right with the Lord and the broken pieces of your life will begin to make sense.

Tom has that thought accured to you? that your uncle could be your father?
By your age 24 and the number of years ago since your mom last saw him 24, I presume she hasn't seen him since the rape.
You may want to brace yourself for another roller coaster ride thanks to mom.

may the Lord be with you.

Wow, it's all too complicated to me. I just offered some simple biblical advice insofar as this incident is concerned, that's all. :)




NB: When we are asked to go an extra mile, then I believe Jesus advocates this.

Mat 5:41-42 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

"The sense of unreasonable asking is here implied"

 

[Rex]

Wow, it's all too complicated to me. I just offered some simple biblical advice insofar as this incident is concerned, that's all. :)

I know JB and it is good advise, for the mother to forgive such a tragic act, but is this the whole truth? that she simply was to simply forgive him. I've looked at this guys post since he first posted here, and with this last one it's not a stretch to presume that maybe mom has a confession to make with Tom as well. I've seen and know a lot of dysfunctional family's and it's never what it appears to be on the surface.
Proverbs 18:17

The 84 version reads

The first to present his case seems right
til another comes forward and questions him

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

I know JB and it is good advise, for the mother to forgive such a tragic act, but is this the whole truth? that she simply was to simply forgive him. I've looked at this guys post since he first posted here, and with this last one it's not a stretch to presume that maybe mom has a confession to make with Tom as well. I've seen and know a lot of dysfunctional family's and it's never what it appears to be on the surface.

Proverbs 18:17

The 84 version reads

The first to present his case seems right
til another comes forward and questions him

:) :)

 

[horsecamp]

When i dont know what to do and thats often .. I try my best to explain it to the Lord. and most often i cant even do that well ..yet God always knows and comes to my aid and let me know.. he Got it Go to sleep and he will figure it out for me ..

So i would say read your bible Give him Your problems And you enjoy your sleep..

 

[Eltanin]

This is a question that really can't be answered completely by anyone on an internet forum. Advice given by those who don't have all the facts is usually very incomplete.

Here is a couple verses, I doubt that they make you feel better...

Luke 6
27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful,just as your Father is merciful.

It is hard to offer advice that is hard to follow oneself. Many times I take into account whether I feel like my sacrifice is appreciated by whoever I am sacrificing for... But then I realize that when I am considering in such a way, I am not doing something "As unto the LORD", but I am doing something as unto that person.

... BUT...
You are commanded to honor your father
You have also stated that your father is against a trip. Your mother wants to go. Your father is head of home, his ruling whether right or wrong is what should be respected.

As to your mother asking and asking, have you talked to her honestly about your problems? If so, have you tried talking to your father? There is nothing against telling them how you feel, and laying open how you feel used and hurt. If you have not talked to them about these problems, then you should give them the opportunity to understand you. Talking is a hard thing to do.

If people truly are users, the Bible says we are to love and give... But it doesn't say that we have to stay in abusive situations.

 

[aspen]

I do not think you are going to feel good no matter how you handle the situation. When dealing with my family, I usually give as much as I can, which means, as much as I can give without feeling robbed. It never feels good, but at least I can pay my bills.