I've been reminded of Job during these past four years with PTSD, the consequence of years of abuse in my childhood. This experience has taught me a lot about suffering, especially since the pain I've endured has been much greater now than as a child. Back then, I did what I had to to survive. Now, I have been forced to feel the full force of the trauma I experienced back then.At times - especially in the beginning - I felt like I was in a pot of boiling water - my friends and family being the water. So little understanding (I didn't even understand - I didn't remember the abuse being traumatic). Nobody in my close circle had gone through abuse (except my mom, but she never dealt with it - this was new to her, too).When the PTSD started, God brought a woman into my life that unbeknownst to be was to be the catalyst for my healing. Even though she had never been abused, her attitude was, "Dangit! I'm going to find out what this girl is going through!" She bought books, etc., and really stood by me through it ALL. She showed up just in time when I became suicidal. I am so blessed, and so grateful that God brought her around. She attends every one of my counseling sessions with me and takes notes for me.In the beginning, however, my best friend and family thought, "What's happening to Nima? This is all starting at the same time this girl came into her life." So, it didn't take long for them to blame her for my newfound pain. No matter what I said, or how I defended her, they were certain she was a negative influence and she was ruining my life.My best friend eventually abandoned our 10-year friendship. She was convinced she'd been "replaced", and that this "new friend" was bad news and I just couldn't see it. Nothing I could say changed her mind. It broke my heart. It hurt that everyone blamed my new friend, when she was my biggest ally at the time in the midst of this horrible, raw inner turmoil.My new friend, though a devoted and faithful Christian, was angry with God at times later on in my healing, not understanding how He could allow such trauma to happen to one little girl. There were many, many WHY's!!??Here's what I know

1) When the suffering is about
me, there is too much room for resentment, self-pity, bitterness, and isolation. When it's about the
Kingdom of God - about how God might use the suffering for His glory - it opens the door to a new perspective - an eternal perspective - to benefit the Kingdom. It allows room for courage to keep going. To press on. To trust that God will turn it around at some point.(2) Faith is not without testing. God allows suffering to draw us closer to Him. Through the last four years, I have pushed Him to the edge of the ocean, and only in this last year did I surrender. He tries to get our attention. He wants to use us. He cares about us. God LOVES us through our suffering, IF we let Him. There is always temptation to turn on God and fall into self-pity and ask questions like, "What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? How could a loving God allow this? Why, God, why?"As long as you are stuck in an attitude of self-pity, you are also closing the door to God's purpose for your suffering to be revealed.When I started drawing near to God, He started revealing things. He started giving me glimpses of things to come. When I started leaning on Him instead of blaming or questioning Him, my healing progressed. I started involving Him and seeking Him, getting out of my isolation.I am about to face the most difficult stage of my healing. The pain in the last month has been unbearable, and I often find myself just screaming when I'm alone....it just hurts so bad inside, and everyone around me is hurting, too.Yet I don't feel so alone now that I'm trusting God through this. Sometimes it seems so SLOW!!! But I am trying my best to trust His timing. To trust that every day I suffer through this will be restored to me ten times over.
Habakkuk 2:3 - If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!(3) There is always someone who's endured much, much worse than me. I should have died, several different times in my past, but I'm alive. God kept me alive. There is a reason for that. There are people who endured what I did and didn't survive. There are others who have been hurt much worse than me. I can never think I am the only one to suffer much.(4) I don't believe suffering is caused by God, though He warns us plenty in His Word that as Christians, we will suffer. This world swarms with sin, and a lot of our suffering is brought on by the sins of man. God did not send men to abuse me, but it was because of man's bad choices that I suffered. It was because of man's choice to sin. I became a victim to that.Then the choice is up to me....what to do with that.(5) Sometimes what God allows us to go through has nothing at all to do with
us - He allows it so that
someone else will ultimately be ministered to and brought closer to Him. That has changed my viewpoint completely, and with every trial I ask, "What if this isn't about me? What if it's to eventually help someone else who is enduring the same thing?"I mean - look at how many times we've gone to JOB to feel encouraged when we are suffering!Suffering - and healing - hurts. When the time for that comes - and it will come - you, too, will be at that crossroad. You, too, will be faced with the choice to shrivel up and succumb to the circumstances and keep it about you; or open your eyes to the bigger picture of God's. Because there always IS - a much bigger picture.