I am on hospice care because I have cancer. I think that I will be gone within a couple of months. I had a massive heart attack a few years ago, but I seem to have recovered from that. I am not sure what I am going to die from or when I am going to die. I have tried to pin down the hospice nurses as to when I am going to die, but they won't give me an answer. I don't like the idea of not knowing when I will die. No one wants to talk about it. I have always been in control of things. When I had my own business, I ran a very tight ship. I was always in control. But now I don't have control of anything, this is very disturbing. This is the worst part of being on hospice care, you have no control.
I really thought that I would be able to handle this, after all, I have been a Christian for over 50 years, surely, I can handle this. There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to a better place and will receive a new body. I am looking forward to being with Jesus, but I am still having trouble coping with this death thing. I can't make any decisions concerning the future, because I don't have a future. I always liked planning ahead, but why do that now? I am having trouble accepting my death.
My hospice Chaplin met with me yesterday, I expressed with him my problem. He said to me, "Bob you need to let go" I said to him, "What do you mean let Go?" He said, "you need to let go of this life" and then he said, before Jesus died on the cross, when he was in the garden with his disciples he prayed, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will" Matthew 26:39. And then he said to me. "Jesus wanted the cup of death to pass from him, just like you. But Jesus said, "not as I will, but as you will". What the Chaplin said to me is helping me to accept my death. I am trying to let go.
I really thought that I would be able to handle this, after all, I have been a Christian for over 50 years, surely, I can handle this. There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to a better place and will receive a new body. I am looking forward to being with Jesus, but I am still having trouble coping with this death thing. I can't make any decisions concerning the future, because I don't have a future. I always liked planning ahead, but why do that now? I am having trouble accepting my death.
My hospice Chaplin met with me yesterday, I expressed with him my problem. He said to me, "Bob you need to let go" I said to him, "What do you mean let Go?" He said, "you need to let go of this life" and then he said, before Jesus died on the cross, when he was in the garden with his disciples he prayed, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will" Matthew 26:39. And then he said to me. "Jesus wanted the cup of death to pass from him, just like you. But Jesus said, "not as I will, but as you will". What the Chaplin said to me is helping me to accept my death. I am trying to let go.