I am on hospice care because I have cancer. I think that I will be gone within a couple of months. I had a massive heart attack a few years ago, but I seem to have recovered from that. I am not sure what I am going to die from or when I am going to die. I have tried to pin down the hospice nurses as to when I am going to die, but they won't give me an answer. I don't like the idea of not knowing when I will die. No one wants to talk about it. I have always been in control of things. When I had my own business, I ran a very tight ship. I was always in control. But now I don't have control of anything, this is very disturbing. This is the worst part of being on hospice care, you have no control.
Hug
Maybe God is giving you this test so that you learn to let go of your impulse to control things.
"Let go and let God..."
When I do that, consciously choose to relax and follow God's leading, it is fascinating to see how every experience moment to moment provides an opportunity for the next one.
Like, laying down stepping stones. Something happens and then the next thing I know I find myself noticing,having arrived to that very moment, I'm in the right place for something else to occur.
Example. I was restocking merch today before clocking out in my last 15 minutes.
I soooo wanted to leave early but having the early release approved by my manager, I couldn't leave sooner in those 15 minutes because the electronic time clock doesn't clock us out according to that adjustment to our schedule.
I had to be there to clock out.
So,I'm working to restock this stuff. I've three items left in my cart, and just as I'm entering an aisle to journey to the last department and stock those items I see a couple walking toward me.
Their hands are full and they're obviously burdened. They were far from the shopping cart dock.
I offered them my cart because the items I had there were small and easily carried to their department.
The couple said they didn't initially grab a cart because they intended to shop for just one thing.
While it bugged me to have to restock stuff because I just wanted to go home, and I would not have been there had I not asked for an early release the hour before,that couple would likely have had to struggle on with their burden.
I really thought that I would be able to handle this, after all, I have been a Christian for over 50 years, surely, I can handle this. There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to a better place and will receive a new body. I am looking forward to being with Jesus, but I am still having trouble coping with this death thing. I can't make any decisions concerning the future, because I don't have a future. I always liked planning ahead, but why do that now? I am having trouble accepting my death.
So, don't.
You're trying to be in control again.
If you've a terminal diagnosis, that seems to be a certainty. And yet, you awaken every day to a new day of living.
You will have an eternal life in future. Why not focus on living moment to moment? As God blessed you with another day.
There is not an expiration date stamped on you. No doctor has a right to tell you to surrender to the fate they diagnose. Even when for the Christian it means eternity with Jesus.
My hospice Chaplin met with me yesterday, I expressed with him my problem. He said to me, "Bob you need to let go" I said to him, "What do you mean let Go?" He said, "you need to let go of this life" and then he said, before Jesus died on the cross, when he was in the garden with his disciples he prayed, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will" Matthew 26:39. And then he said to me. "Jesus wanted the cup of death to pass from him, just like you. But Jesus said, "not as I will, but as you will". What the Chaplin said to me is helping me to accept my death. I am trying to let go.
I don't know what cancer you have. However, God will bring you home when he is ready.
He is in control.
Enjoy your life. Live! Don't give cancer permission to control your focus on its timetable.
Just my thought.
May God bring you joy.
Hug again