Dear Katchit,
Thank you for your request. I want to begin by saying that you will know when you hear the word of God to your heart, because it brings life. Even if it brings conviction of sin at the same time, that conviction comes with hope and healing, the power and desire to repent, and, the comfort of the Father's love.
Do not be afraid to hear from God.
He loves you. :)
If you are experiencing condemnation, that is never from God.
These two verses are worth learning by heart and holding on to:
Romans 5:1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
The word 'justified' is a legal declaration of our status in the Lord Jesus Christ:
2 Corinthians 5:21 For he hath made him [to be] sin for us, who knew no sin;
that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.
Hebrews 10: 14 For by one offering he hath perfected for ever them that are sanctified. [perfected = completed]
This is the spiritual truth which undergirds the whole of our salvation. The sacrifice of Christ was sufficient in God's sight.
I have a lot of feelings about being punished, and i try to be perfect with everything i do in terms of is it moral, is it Godly, etc... I also seem to get a lot of guilt, and if i sin, it's like i feel like i have upset God and that he will be angry with me and somehow my salvation has been compromised. It just seems a lot of heaviness which i am sure that i add to myself...'
It seems that you understand why you are anxious, and these thoughts will have their roots in past experiences. I myself have been delivered from several deep-seated fears, but God could not do that for me, until He had convinced me that I was accepted with Him. Then I began to relax enough for Him to give me understanding of what I was afraid of, and why. In my case, that took a long time. Part of the process for me, was to give up my perfectionism, and to understand that I was not accepted with God on the basis of my actions, but on the basis of Christ's actions on my behalf, namely, His dying for all my sins, and His including me in His death for the sin which had come into the world through Adam. (You can read about this in
Romans 5 and 6, but don't stop there; read
Romans 8 as well, and choose some verses to memorise, which God has made real to you while you read.) If God is our Father, and we are His children, He is not expecting immediate maturity from us. This comes over time, as long as we do grow up into Him.
Ephesians 4:13 Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ: 14 That we [henceforth] be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, [and] cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; 15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, [even] Christ:
It is the knowledge of the Son of God which stops us from being confused about what is true and truth. If you are battling against temptation to think or do things which you know are wrong, this is bound to make you feel a heaviness which is more than ordinary in-your-face oppression from the enemy of your soul. Peter has this to say about:
1 Peter 1:3 - 7 Blessed [be] the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time; wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: that the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
So, don't let that heaviness destroy your hope. Keep hoping in God. It is He who delivers us from evil.
Depression is frequently a manifestation of fear, or, suppressed anger, as well as it could be, over deep sadness or grief about past losses. First of all, being depressed is not a sin. It is a normal reaction to real things that have really affected you. So first of all, don't feel guilty about this feeling. Having said that, I realise it can be a rollercoaster for quite a while as you feel okay some days and not okay on other days. This can be hormonal as well, especially if you don't sleep well, and find yourself running on adrenaline some of the time, because after that, the body produces other compensatory responses which make you feel quite calm and capable. This is physical, but it affects your mood, and it's here - when
listening to your mood - that
you have to
choose not to let how your body is coping, interfere with the spiritual truths of what the Lord has brought you into - His life - and the power of His life to recreate health in you.
I hope this is making sense...
The renewing of your mind (how you think and what you believe) is a long process, which is guided by God. It is He who sets the agenda. By that, I mean it is God who is working in you to bring you
through and beyond your present feelings and circumstances, to think about all things in the light of His power and presence. 'Through' is an important concept. The psalmist said,
'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me. Thy rod and staff comfort me.' (Psalm 23)
The 'rod' is His cross, and the 'staff' is His shepherd's crook, by which He pulls us back into the way when we have strayed from the straight or the safest path. His cross, as we account ourselves to have died with Him that we also may now live with Him,
(Romans 6:4) brings us out on the other side of His tomb, where He is alive to us in a fresh way. By this discovery, we are given both hope and strength to keep pressing on into His will for our lives.
It is a matter of practise to keep trusting God when the shadows seem to envelope us. Another helpful verse is this:
Psalm 139:11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. 12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light [are] both alike [to thee].
In other words, even though you cannot see the way ahead because everything seems black, God can see your way perfectly, and as you ask Him to shed light on your way, although it may only be step by step, He will send shafts of light to guide you. This is the way to walk with Him in the Spirit, regardless of all the other pressures which make you feel a failure. To Him, you are not a failure. He knows that none of us can make it without Him, and it delights Him to hear us call upon Him for help.
The apostle Paul said:
2 Corinthians 3:5 Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency [is] of God;
2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Another verse which has helped me a lot, is
2 Corinthians 3:18 But we all behold the glory of the Lord with His face open [to us] and are changed into the same likeness, from glory to glory, even of the Spirit of the Lord. (Tyndale's New Testament) If you read the part before this, it's about how Moses had to cover his face because the children of Israel didn't want to see it shining after he'd spent time with God in the mountain. We do need to spend time waiting on the Lord in prayer, not just asking Him to help us - although of course we do that too - but waiting to let Him speak to us, or refresh our spirits way beyond words.
The last suggestion I have, is to not let how you feel, prevent you from praising the Lord. Anyone (most of us!) who has been used to living by our feelings, has the concern that if we don't 'feel' like praising, then we are lying if we go through the motions. God does not see it this way at all. His word says:
Psalm 22:3 But thou [art] holy, [O thou] who inhabits the praises of Israel.
A while ago when I was reading the Old Testament, I realised there were times when God told His people to praise Him. And without there being any other reason than His command, they praised Him. We can do the same, and He will come to us. A good spiritual dynamic is put into effect when we praise and worship Him.
Further to this, if you don't know the song in my post's signature, it is well worth learning, because the Holy Spirit will bring it to you again and again, and use it to refresh your awareness of God's good intentions towards you. Each verse is from the Bible, and the tune is in the link underneath. There is also a good website with hymntunes and hymn words, which are free to download and compile your own worship albums, here:
www.smallchurchmusic1.com.
I hope you don't feel preached at, by all the Bible verses I've mentioned. It's your call to pick up what you find useful, and don't worry about the rest. Aspen's recommendation to get professional help is also valid, but I have the impression you know within yourself, you are not as unwell as you used to be, since coming to the Lord. Praise His name! I concur, that if the OCD seems to be getting out of control, it's worth seeking help. You know there might be a waiting list, so go sooner rather than later, and then if you don't need to take the help when your turn arrives, that's okay.
I believe the Lord will keep you through this, however way you and He work it out together. Don't give up hope.
