A little humor for the soul

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Christina

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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.........................................................................A man:.. God, how much is a million dollars to you?God:... It is but a penny.A man:.... God, how long is a million years to you?God:.... It is but a second.A man: ...God, could you please give me a penny?God: .....Sure, just a second..............................................................................Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.Minister: You do? Tell me.Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon....................................................................Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian." But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are a Quarter Pounder...........................................................................................Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."
 

Christina

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(Letsgofishing;57812)
I resent the first Joke,but after that the jokes are awesome especially the mcdonalds saying.
I dont know why you resent it she took 50/50 sounds even to me:)
 

Christina

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An old lady was on a flight. She was sitting beside a young businessman.After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion. The businessman glances at her and said. Do you really believe those stuff in the Bible is true?"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady."Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one who got swallowed by a whale...""You mean Jonah?""Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?""I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in heaven someday."Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because he went to hell?""Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly..................................................................................................................................A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he had been abused all his life on earth - people swept him with broom, he had no where to sleep, etc. God tells him he is going to make his life very comfortable in heaven. The next day 6 mice came to heaven. They gave God a similar story about their hard life on earth - how they had to be running all the time because cats were constantly chasing them. God tells them he'll make their life comfortable. They ask that he give them skates so that they wouldn't have to do much walking or running anymore. God granted their request, fitting them with skates. A week later God was passing by and found the cat comfortably resting. He asked the cat how things were going. The cat says, "Oh wonderful, God, and those meals on wheels that you have been sending me are delicious !" ................................................................................... A man died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told him heaven was getting crowded so he had to test people with the point system. If he got to 100 points he could enter. The man told Peter that he gave to the poor. Peter marked him down for 3 points. The man thought again, then said that he tithed. Peter added one point. The man, desperately searching his memory, finally said that he never cussed. Peter added 1/2 a point. By now the man got very frustrated and said that at this rate he could only get in by the grace of God. Peter replied, "Come on in!"
 

Red_Letters88

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Im not sure if LGF will laugh at the last one
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Jordan

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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.........................................................................A man:.. God, how much is a million dollars to you?God:... It is but a penny.A man:.... God, how long is a million years to you?God:.... It is but a second.A man: ...God, could you please give me a penny?God: .....Sure, just a second..............................................................................Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.Minister: You do? Tell me.Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend, a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon....................................................................Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian." But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's you are a Quarter Pounder...........................................................................................Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."
An old lady was on a flight. She was sitting beside a young businessman.After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion.The businessman glances at her and said. Do you really believe those stuff in the Bible is true?"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady."Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one who got swallowed by a whale...""You mean Jonah?""Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?""I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in heaven someday."Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because he went to hell?""Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly................................................... .................................................. .............................A cat died and went to heaven. At the gate, he told God how he had been abused all his life on earth - people swept him with broom, he had no where to sleep, etc. God tells him he is going to make his life very comfortable in heaven. The next day 6 mice came to heaven. They gave God a similar story about their hard life on earth - how they had to be running all the time because cats were constantly chasing them. God tells them he'll make their life comfortable. They ask that he give them skates so that they wouldn't have to do much walking or running anymore. God granted their request, fitting them with skates. A week later God was passing by and found the cat comfortably resting. He asked the cat how things were going. The cat says, "Oh wonderful, God, and those meals on wheels that you have been sending me are delicious !".................................................. .................................A man died and approached the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told him heaven was getting crowded so he had to test people with the point system. If he got to 100 points he could enter. The man told Peter that he gave to the poor. Peter marked him down for 3 points. The man thought again, then said that he tithed. Peter added one point. The man, desperately searching his memory, finally said that he never cussed. Peter added 1/2 a point. By now the man got very frustrated and said that at this rate he could only get in by the grace of God. Peter replied, "Come on in!"I love these humour. Usually, I can't sense humour. Thanks Christina. especially the one highlighted in the quote...In reality a million years is 1,000 days to God. A million years is two years and 280 days to God.
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Sasha

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I'll have to remember some of those, they were pretty good.As the minister prayed "Dear heavenly Father, We praise you for your love, peace and joy in our lives. And as we know, we are but dust, we thank you........" Meanwhile a little girl is sitting next to her mommy, peaks open one eye, she looks around the room in complete confusion, then looks up at her mommy and asks "Mommy? What is butt dust?"
 

Letsgofishing

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(Red_Letters88;57831)
Im not sure if LGF will laugh at the last one
biggrin.gif

I rather liked the last one, it summed up salvation beautifully.
 

Red_Letters88

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I rather liked the last one, it summed up salvation beautifully.
Perhaps I have labeled you as the same as others in your church, please forgive me. And by the way- that wasnt said out of judging...just based on some topics that certain Catholics center around.
 

Letsgofishing

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Now your doomed some of my own jokes------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?" God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create." So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?""I did that Adam so that you could love her.""Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?""Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff."It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42). The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?" The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound.After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before. When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nods his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again. By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died.When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name.The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Jewish man lives into a Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism.Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic."The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood.The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."
 

Letsgofishing

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Perhaps I have labeled you as the same as others in your church, please forgive me. And by the way- that wasnt said out of judging...just based on some topics that certain Catholics center around.
I understand what your saying As I have said..you cannot be a christian and be a willing murderer at the same time. You have to repent and try to lead a better life (works) but leading a better life cannot get you saved, the only thing which can save you is your belief in Jesus Christ, ( Faith) that is what catholics mean by salvation by works and faith. now back to joke telling
 

Christina

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Holy toledo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LGF theres are punch lines to your Jokes I feel like Ive wittnessed a small miracle
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Christina

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire. Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit. Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.Engineers: Live bugs on back-order. Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.Engineers: Evidence removed. Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level. Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.Engineers: Suspect you're right.Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.Pilot: Target radar hums.Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.Engineers: Cat installed.Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
 

Christina

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Funny SignsPlumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow out." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." On an electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push." At an optometrists office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a counsellors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.At a Santa Fe gas station:"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."In a New York restaurant:"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."On the wall of a Baltimore estate:"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:"38 years on the same spot."In a Los Angeles dance hall:"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."In a Florida maternity ward:"No children allowed."In a New York drugstore:"We dispense with accuracy."In the offices of a loan company:"Ask about our plans for owning your home."In a New York medical building:"Mental Health Prevention Center"On a New York convalescent home:"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."On a Maine shop:"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."At a number of military bases:"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:"Now available in multi-packs."In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."In a funeral parlor:"Ask about our layaway plan."In a clothing store:"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"On a shopping mall marquee:"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"Outside a country shop:"We buy junk and sell antiques."In the window of an Oregon store:"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"In a Maine restaurant:"Open 7 days a week and weekends."On a radiator repair garage:"Best place to take a leak."In the vestry of a New England church:"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."In a Pennsylvania cemetery:"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."On a roller coaster:"Watch your head."On the grounds of a public school:"No trespassing without permission."On a Tennessee highway:"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."
 

general

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I`v got a good one Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!!!!
 

Christina

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WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROADWhy did the chicken cross the road?BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road becauseit was time for change! The chicken wanted change!JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the roadbecause he recognized the need to engage in cooperation anddialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personallyhelped that little chicken to cross the road. This experiencemakes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day Onethat every chicken in this country gets the chance it deservesto cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chickencrossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is onour side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us,or for us. There is no middle ground here.DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you canclearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken.What is your definition of chicken?AL GORE: I invented the chicken.JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken crossthe road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not forit now, and will remain against it.AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We needsome black chickens.DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chickenwon't realize that he must firs t deal with the problem on thisside of the road before it goes after the problem on the otherside of the road. What we need to do is help him realize howstupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems beforeadding new problems.OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is havingproblems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes andtake falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chickena car so that he can just drive across the road and not live hislife like the rest of the chickens.ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believethere is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to haveaccess to the other side of the road.NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because;he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworkingAmerican.MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me whichway that chicken was going. I had a standing order at theFarmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to acertain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross itwith a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why itcrossed I've not been told.ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain, alone.GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossedthe road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, andthat was good enough.BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting? In a few moments,we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossingroads together, in peace.BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will notonly cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral partof eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and willnever reboot.ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, ordid the road move beneath the chicken?COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?
 

Christina

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Subject:Home Made security System and Installtion1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's, used, size 14-16work boots.2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammomagazines.3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.4. Leave a note on your door that reads:'Hey Bubba,Big Jim, Duke , Slim, & I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morningand messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but itwas hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em inthe house. Better wait outside.