Im not sure i ever want to lose that self loathing and mistrust of myself. I did write in my journal though about5 months ago about how i strangely didn't seem to view myself as myself anymore but rather as a hated enemy that i wanted God to crush under my feet. I never spoke a word of it to anyone though because they would have just thought i was losing touch with reality when the exact opposite of that was happening. I don't think you will see it as crazy though. I cant say i don't view myself as a human being anymore.I see myself as a weak and insufficient human but I think God likes that as He says His power is made perfect in my awareness of my weakness and poverty and I’ve caught some glimpses of that.
As for being aware of what is and what must be, i might say at least partially. I have accepted what is and that its very off and that people are emotionally unwell because of growing up in such a dysfunctional and hostile world. That no longer angers me since I’m no different. I’ve been damaged and bruised too.
As to what must be, my mind is mostly filled with staying surrendered to whatever He wills for me in the moment, whether its painful or pleasant.
Gosh, I’ve said more words to you than to any other person for months now. Aren’t you lucky?? Haha
I wrote a poem about this, some years back
DREAMS OF A FALLEN ANGEL
With and iron fist around the heart of the earth
With a bitter twist on the minds of men
With a frightening list of every human birth
With a flick of the wrist it could be over by then
From the poison words off a bitter tongue
To the voice unheard upon a crowded street
Strong and absurd - 'Thy Will Be Done' -
What has occurred to the throne at your feet?
From the softly said to the soulful sigh
Of the voice in the head of the sovereign lord
From the broken bread to the question why
As the answer bleed from the wound of the sword
From the satisfied looks to the expression of panic
All the time that it took was a blink of an eye
In consulting the book on how to capture a planet
You just find a good hook and take up the cry
And if I held my breath for eternity
If I chose to rest - would it matter to you
And if I took that test would I cease to be
I can only guess but what would that prove
With my feet in the mud and my thoughts on the earth
for the sake of a hug would you break my heart
For this flesh and this blood and this pain and this birth
Could you show me your love or would it tear me apart.
By the angel knights and the waiting ladies
The dragons sight was thus restored
In the crimson light no more hidden dangers
As the wrong and the right were both ignored
And one that coming day that ended this world
How the fearful prayed while the peaceful slept
Know the price was paid for that most valuable pearl
Shared by all - who forgive ...
...No regrets.