For several years I find the simplest of tasks very hard on me whenever I work and I end up feeling exhausted. But my family believes I’m just being ornery (their way of calling me lazy). For example, I’ll prolong a shower for about a week until I take another one. And taking one seriously takes three hours from start to finish, to the point where my feet are sore or even numb. Rushing my butt off nearly killed me and I just about died from exhaustion but nobody believed me.
I usually stay in my house for several days and when I go with my mom (I don’t have a driver’s license, and my state law requires me to achieve a license by practicing with an adult driver, many of whom I have a bad relationship with), I’m expected to look and smell pretty. For about two hours after I wake up, I stare at the walls, not feeling like eating. And when I start working myself to meet one’s standards, I’m starving myself to death and feeling like I’m melting like ice cream. If I complain about how I’m feeling (I’m tired, hungry, hot, etc.), they’ll tell me “I don’t care, you still have to be presentable”.
Sometimes I wish I can walk around in my pajamas in public without a single care, but after all the crap telling me about self respect and being presentable and all that pointless nonsense, I hate myself the more I think about it. It’s unbearable, and every time I have to do something to be “presentable”, my stomach fills with dread.
I’ve been questioning myself for years whether I’m really depressed or I’m just making excuses. I want to enjoy things in life but it seems like I can’t get motivated these days. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m complaining. I’ve tried taking medication but it made my situation worse, and my therapist doesn’t understand my true intentions. Been told I’m incapable of living because I’m easily upset over something and only caring about myself. Don’t know what else to think other than “why does nobody around here understand me?”.
I usually stay in my house for several days and when I go with my mom (I don’t have a driver’s license, and my state law requires me to achieve a license by practicing with an adult driver, many of whom I have a bad relationship with), I’m expected to look and smell pretty. For about two hours after I wake up, I stare at the walls, not feeling like eating. And when I start working myself to meet one’s standards, I’m starving myself to death and feeling like I’m melting like ice cream. If I complain about how I’m feeling (I’m tired, hungry, hot, etc.), they’ll tell me “I don’t care, you still have to be presentable”.
Sometimes I wish I can walk around in my pajamas in public without a single care, but after all the crap telling me about self respect and being presentable and all that pointless nonsense, I hate myself the more I think about it. It’s unbearable, and every time I have to do something to be “presentable”, my stomach fills with dread.
I’ve been questioning myself for years whether I’m really depressed or I’m just making excuses. I want to enjoy things in life but it seems like I can’t get motivated these days. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m complaining. I’ve tried taking medication but it made my situation worse, and my therapist doesn’t understand my true intentions. Been told I’m incapable of living because I’m easily upset over something and only caring about myself. Don’t know what else to think other than “why does nobody around here understand me?”.