Depressed or am I just plain lazy?

[2Fragile2TakeCriticism]

For several years I find the simplest of tasks very hard on me whenever I work and I end up feeling exhausted. But my family believes I’m just being ornery (their way of calling me lazy). For example, I’ll prolong a shower for about a week until I take another one. And taking one seriously takes three hours from start to finish, to the point where my feet are sore or even numb. Rushing my butt off nearly killed me and I just about died from exhaustion but nobody believed me.

I usually stay in my house for several days and when I go with my mom (I don’t have a driver’s license, and my state law requires me to achieve a license by practicing with an adult driver, many of whom I have a bad relationship with), I’m expected to look and smell pretty. For about two hours after I wake up, I stare at the walls, not feeling like eating. And when I start working myself to meet one’s standards, I’m starving myself to death and feeling like I’m melting like ice cream. If I complain about how I’m feeling (I’m tired, hungry, hot, etc.), they’ll tell me “I don’t care, you still have to be presentable”.

Sometimes I wish I can walk around in my pajamas in public without a single care, but after all the crap telling me about self respect and being presentable and all that pointless nonsense, I hate myself the more I think about it. It’s unbearable, and every time I have to do something to be “presentable”, my stomach fills with dread.

I’ve been questioning myself for years whether I’m really depressed or I’m just making excuses. I want to enjoy things in life but it seems like I can’t get motivated these days. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m complaining. I’ve tried taking medication but it made my situation worse, and my therapist doesn’t understand my true intentions. Been told I’m incapable of living because I’m easily upset over something and only caring about myself. Don’t know what else to think other than “why does nobody around here understand me?”.

 

[Zachariah]

For several years I find the simplest of tasks very hard on me whenever I work and I end up feeling exhausted. But my family believes I’m just being ornery (their way of calling me lazy). For example, I’ll prolong a shower for about a week until I take another one. And taking one seriously takes three hours from start to finish, to the point where my feet are sore or even numb. Rushing my butt off nearly killed me and I just about died from exhaustion but nobody believed me.

I usually stay in my house for several days and when I go with my mom (I don’t have a driver’s license, and my state law requires me to achieve a license by practicing with an adult driver, many of whom I have a bad relationship with), I’m expected to look and smell pretty. For about two hours after I wake up, I stare at the walls, not feeling like eating. And when I start working myself to meet one’s standards, I’m starving myself to death and feeling like I’m melting like ice cream. If I complain about how I’m feeling (I’m tired, hungry, hot, etc.), they’ll tell me “I don’t care, you still have to be presentable”.

Sometimes I wish I can walk around in my pajamas in public without a single care, but after all the crap telling me about self respect and being presentable and all that pointless nonsense, I hate myself the more I think about it. It’s unbearable, and every time I have to do something to be “presentable”, my stomach fills with dread.

I’ve been questioning myself for years whether I’m really depressed or I’m just making excuses. I want to enjoy things in life but it seems like I can’t get motivated these days. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m complaining. I’ve tried taking medication but it made my situation worse, and my therapist doesn’t understand my true intentions. Been told I’m incapable of living because I’m easily upset over something and only caring about myself. Don’t know what else to think other than “why does nobody around here understand me?”.

Your are experiencing death. You are dead inside. This is not necessarily a bad thing because it shows you have let go of your ego and the "rolls" that you play within the world. Whatever your up bringing or circumstances you are lucky to have reached this place for many stay trapped within the ego and stay identified with their roles. The sun is born again from the night sky as jesus was born out of Nazareth. Light is born from darkness. Unlike most, I have personally traversed my own shadow and found light. Having done so myself, I now bear the light to shine on those in your position. Iv been gifted Truth around the matter and if your interested im willing to give you what I have come to know and understand.

 

[LearningToLetGo]

I want to enjoy things in life but it seems like I can’t get motivated these days.

Don't try to do too much but don't allow yourself to sit idle either. Pick one thing each day and do it. It doesn't matter how small it is. After a while, you'll look back on the progress you've made and be pleasantly surprised. Also, make time to reward yourself when you accomplish one of your tasks. Any kind of reward will do. For example, you can treat yourself to a nice coffee or ice cream, or maybe see a movie that interests you.

 

[I.O.U]

For several years I find the simplest of tasks very hard on me whenever I work and I end up feeling exhausted. But my family believes I’m just being ornery (their way of calling me lazy). For example, I’ll prolong a shower for about a week until I take another one. And taking one seriously takes three hours from start to finish, to the point where my feet are sore or even numb. Rushing my butt off nearly killed me and I just about died from exhaustion but nobody believed me.

I usually stay in my house for several days and when I go with my mom (I don’t have a driver’s license, and my state law requires me to achieve a license by practicing with an adult driver, many of whom I have a bad relationship with), I’m expected to look and smell pretty. For about two hours after I wake up, I stare at the walls, not feeling like eating. And when I start working myself to meet one’s standards, I’m starving myself to death and feeling like I’m melting like ice cream. If I complain about how I’m feeling (I’m tired, hungry, hot, etc.), they’ll tell me “I don’t care, you still have to be presentable”.

Sometimes I wish I can walk around in my pajamas in public without a single care, but after all the crap telling me about self respect and being presentable and all that pointless nonsense, I hate myself the more I think about it. It’s unbearable, and every time I have to do something to be “presentable”, my stomach fills with dread.

I’ve been questioning myself for years whether I’m really depressed or I’m just making excuses. I want to enjoy things in life but it seems like I can’t get motivated these days. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m complaining. I’ve tried taking medication but it made my situation worse, and my therapist doesn’t understand my true intentions. Been told I’m incapable of living because I’m easily upset over something and only caring about myself. Don’t know what else to think other than “why does nobody around here understand me?”.

I understand your predicament (I've lived it like you described) This is what I had to accept before I could change anything. Research as much about each problem I could find online and in libraries. Let the fear of not knowing why guide you to understand why, and you'll see