Hello all. I'm 31, grew up in a christian family. I've always believed in the Gospel in my mind and I've always had an intellectual acceptance, but I've never actually had a saving faith. I was incredibly deceived all my life about my relationship with God.
At 20 years old though, I went very close to become a christian. At the time, I was deeply convinced that I was a christian and that I had commited my life to God. What happened is that at 20, I started to consider getting right with God. I lived a sinful teenage, and I knew I wasn't on the right track and that I needed to get right with God. So at 20 years old I started to pray again, to go to church again and to read the bible again, like when I was a child. But note that even if I did all that, I still wasn't born again.
But one day, something happened. I don't know if it was my conscience or the Holy Spirit, but I realised how bad my life was, and that I hurted a loving God who was still willing to take me. I was in my car. I bursted out crying and I asked God for forgiveness and told Him that I wanted to stop sinning and live for Him. From that moment, many changes occured within me. I would pray with enthousiasm, would be excited to go to church, to read the Bible, etc. I had a thirst to live for God, I would even worship him.
But note that even with all those changes, I still wasn't born again. The big drama is that I was basing my salvation on those changes that happened in me, instead of putting my faith in the work of Jesus Christ on the cross for me. I intellectually knew that he died for my sins, but I hadn't had received it by faith in my heart. Instead, I figured that I was following Him, therefore I was christian and I had commited my life to God. You see how deceived I was ? I was CONVICED that I was walking with God at that time, but today I realised that I was deceived, because I didn't put my trust in the right place. I thought I had faith, but I was relegious without realising it.
Today I can't help wondering: why God let me be deceived like that ? Why didn't he told me that I was deceived and didn't actually commited fully my life to Him ? Because I'll say it again : I really thought I had given my life to Him. I would always ask Him to make me look like Jesus more and more. And I truly wanted to live for Him. Maybe I didn't actuallysurender EVERYTHING, but I wasn't conscious of that. My intents were not bad, or if they were, I wasn't realising it. So I just can't understand that God just let me think I was walking with Him.
And after a year, I started to fall into my old sins again. Sins I had forsaken. It got worse and worse. Little by little I was getting back into my sinful lifestyle, up to the point I stopped repenting and stopped seeking God. I consciously turned away from God and got back to my sins and became worse than I ever was. I am exactly like those spoken in 2 Peter 2.20, Hebrew 6 4-6, etc.
I lived 6 years like that. During those 6 years, I knew I wasn't living rightly. I wasn't at peace with myself, I knew I was on a very bad path. There were even a few times wherr I tried to repent and get back to God, but I loved my sins and my lust too much... I kept telling myself that I would reconcile with God, but later, which today I realised it was such a terrible mentality. I would never had thought that I would stay like that for 6 years.
After 6 years, I ended up being very depressed and mentaly very distressed. So now I just want to truly give my life to Jesus Christ. I now fully understand how lost I am without Him. I realise how much I am a bad sinner, which I never realised that deeply before.
Can God forgive my apostasy ? And why didn't he show me that I was a false converted when I thought I was walking with Him ?