Father's day is a tough one for me...I know some girls out there grew up without a dad at all and I honestly may as well have.
My earthly dad tried to get my mom to unalive me before I was born. He was 19 she was 20. And he had already forced her into it once before when she was 17 and he was 16. She refused this time and he apparently tried to choke her and my grandfather stepped in (they were parked outside the house) and he left her and ran off to the air force. She slept with a knife under her pillow every night. I'm SO grateful to my grandmother and grandfather who took care of her and me and loved us and supported us...He didn't come back til I was 1 and my mom and grandparents threw a party and invited him to get to know me...I guess they had to legally or he apologized...Then I was forced to go with this strange man who I felt no connection to at least once a year.
It was always awkward. Uncomfortable. He had Peter Pan syndrome and never grew up. He was rude to me sometimes, treating me like an annoying little sister rather than his daughter. His flesh and blood. He always had a new girlfriend. And more than once he would leave me alone with his two female neighbors so he could go out on dates. I once asked him about the abuse towards my mom and the unborn stuff and he just laughed and said my mom was crazy. No apologies. No remorse.
He also got another woman pregnant who gave birth to my little half brother Joshua. He is 3 years younger than me. I don't know him at all except for a few meetings.
At 13 my mom said I could choose and I chose to stop with the visits. He said nothing about it. He called twice a year. Birthday and Christmas. It was so weird because every time it was like "Cassandra!!! I miss you so much. Happy birthday Darlin' We really need to get together sometimes soon., Love ya!" My stomach dropped every time.
He said he found God...But idk...It feels...Fake...Because he didn't change at all. So idk what to make of that. I think he was influenced because one of his girlfriends, a more serious one, was a Christian and maybe he wanted to impress her BUT as a Christian myself, I should always be happy if someone comes into the flock regardless. So I truly hope he did.
He moved to Texas to be with Josh and his family. I'm in Cali. He's really active in Josh's life and always was. Now Josh has his own son and dad's happy to be a grandfather. I was kind of forgotten about really. The first pancake you toss to the dog as I say.
Finally (a few months ago) I said enough. I didn't want to talk to him anymore...I said I was OK and I just don't feel a connection at all. He feels like a stranger and I just didn't want to do it anymore. And he said nothing. Haven't heard from him since. The bible says to honor our mother and father and I still don't know what that means. I pray for him. I really do. But...I can't be around this stranger who didn't want me in the first place and who didn't even try to argue when I cut ties.
The thing is...When I found God a few years ago, like REALLY found him sitting right next to me...I realized I HAVE a dad. A heavenly dad. A heavenly father. Abba. He's always been there. He protected me from this man who wanted me gone. Who thought of me as a problem. I never really got over that hurt because not only did it hurt me but it messed my mom up really bad. She had severe depression and bi polar disorder...She passed in 2018 from complications from MS.
Anyways...I just wanted to rant a little with the girls because today is hard for me...Hope that's OK. God bless, you ladies.
My earthly dad tried to get my mom to unalive me before I was born. He was 19 she was 20. And he had already forced her into it once before when she was 17 and he was 16. She refused this time and he apparently tried to choke her and my grandfather stepped in (they were parked outside the house) and he left her and ran off to the air force. She slept with a knife under her pillow every night. I'm SO grateful to my grandmother and grandfather who took care of her and me and loved us and supported us...He didn't come back til I was 1 and my mom and grandparents threw a party and invited him to get to know me...I guess they had to legally or he apologized...Then I was forced to go with this strange man who I felt no connection to at least once a year.
It was always awkward. Uncomfortable. He had Peter Pan syndrome and never grew up. He was rude to me sometimes, treating me like an annoying little sister rather than his daughter. His flesh and blood. He always had a new girlfriend. And more than once he would leave me alone with his two female neighbors so he could go out on dates. I once asked him about the abuse towards my mom and the unborn stuff and he just laughed and said my mom was crazy. No apologies. No remorse.
He also got another woman pregnant who gave birth to my little half brother Joshua. He is 3 years younger than me. I don't know him at all except for a few meetings.
At 13 my mom said I could choose and I chose to stop with the visits. He said nothing about it. He called twice a year. Birthday and Christmas. It was so weird because every time it was like "Cassandra!!! I miss you so much. Happy birthday Darlin' We really need to get together sometimes soon., Love ya!" My stomach dropped every time.
He said he found God...But idk...It feels...Fake...Because he didn't change at all. So idk what to make of that. I think he was influenced because one of his girlfriends, a more serious one, was a Christian and maybe he wanted to impress her BUT as a Christian myself, I should always be happy if someone comes into the flock regardless. So I truly hope he did.
He moved to Texas to be with Josh and his family. I'm in Cali. He's really active in Josh's life and always was. Now Josh has his own son and dad's happy to be a grandfather. I was kind of forgotten about really. The first pancake you toss to the dog as I say.
Finally (a few months ago) I said enough. I didn't want to talk to him anymore...I said I was OK and I just don't feel a connection at all. He feels like a stranger and I just didn't want to do it anymore. And he said nothing. Haven't heard from him since. The bible says to honor our mother and father and I still don't know what that means. I pray for him. I really do. But...I can't be around this stranger who didn't want me in the first place and who didn't even try to argue when I cut ties.
The thing is...When I found God a few years ago, like REALLY found him sitting right next to me...I realized I HAVE a dad. A heavenly dad. A heavenly father. Abba. He's always been there. He protected me from this man who wanted me gone. Who thought of me as a problem. I never really got over that hurt because not only did it hurt me but it messed my mom up really bad. She had severe depression and bi polar disorder...She passed in 2018 from complications from MS.
Anyways...I just wanted to rant a little with the girls because today is hard for me...Hope that's OK. God bless, you ladies.
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