Well this is quite a lot to share for me, as these are things which I never really talk about with people in my personal life, but...
I have some terrible experiences from my past that are still with me. My sister and I were from different fathers, neither of whom we were around when we were children, so my mother married another man, a stepfather, and he was very bad to all three of us. He was very abusive in all the usual ways, we lived with him for seven years and that whole time was just like one long nightmare for us, worse yet, because it was like a nightmare you can't wake up from. To give just a small example, he molested my sister a handful of times when she was only eight years old and on one occasion he brutally raped my mother while I sat helplessly in the next room. I feel horrible anger and bitterness every time I remember that event because I wish to God I could have done something to help my mother, and I feel very bad that I couldn't, but he was a very violent man and I was just a small child at the time and was terrified of him as we all three were. And these are just a couple of many, many other terrible experiences we all three suffered at the hands of this awful man during the time we lived with him.
So, to this day, every time the memories of this man and the things he put us through resurface in my mind, I still feel furious anger and great hatred of him for all these terrible things he did to us. For me, time has not lessened the intensity of the things I feel against him and the power these awful memories still hold for me. I know that in the Bible Jesus commands us to love even our enemies, and God commands us to forgive others that we ourselves may be forgiven. But I can't deny the things I feel, they are real, and to me they are entirely valid. I can't imagine a human being who could go through all these terrible abuses at those young and impressionable ages and not feel these same kinds of things for the abuser. So I don't know how to even begin letting such a thing go. Plus, after considering it all for a long time, I really feel like even if I could forgive this man for these terrible things he did to us, that would be just the same as me saying the things he did to us are ok with me, and they are not, as long as I live they will never be ok with me. So on the one hand, I feel like to this day my anger and my hatred of this man are still so strong, so intense, that I will probably never be able to forgive him as long as I live, and I also can't even begin to imagine how I could ever feel any love for that awful man whatsoever, like I just hate him too much to even be able to imagine the idea even if I wanted to.
Yet on the other hand I know we are commanded as Christians to forgive people who hurt us and love our enemies in order to have God's salvation. So I find myself going back and forth between my terrible hatred and anger for this man, and my very sincere desire to obey Jesus and the Father's commandments for us. And I keep wondering, if it turns out I can never forgive this man and can never love him as long as I live, does that mean I'm a failure as a Christian? Will that bar me from salvation...? This is really a terrible conflict for me that I go through again and again and I don't know how to resolve these things. I don't believe God meant for anybody to live with this kind of heartache, but I just don't know how I could ever forgive or love him when he did such terrible harm to us, especially when he will probably never care even a little bit as long as he lives his sorry, self indulgent excuse for a life.
I have some terrible experiences from my past that are still with me. My sister and I were from different fathers, neither of whom we were around when we were children, so my mother married another man, a stepfather, and he was very bad to all three of us. He was very abusive in all the usual ways, we lived with him for seven years and that whole time was just like one long nightmare for us, worse yet, because it was like a nightmare you can't wake up from. To give just a small example, he molested my sister a handful of times when she was only eight years old and on one occasion he brutally raped my mother while I sat helplessly in the next room. I feel horrible anger and bitterness every time I remember that event because I wish to God I could have done something to help my mother, and I feel very bad that I couldn't, but he was a very violent man and I was just a small child at the time and was terrified of him as we all three were. And these are just a couple of many, many other terrible experiences we all three suffered at the hands of this awful man during the time we lived with him.
So, to this day, every time the memories of this man and the things he put us through resurface in my mind, I still feel furious anger and great hatred of him for all these terrible things he did to us. For me, time has not lessened the intensity of the things I feel against him and the power these awful memories still hold for me. I know that in the Bible Jesus commands us to love even our enemies, and God commands us to forgive others that we ourselves may be forgiven. But I can't deny the things I feel, they are real, and to me they are entirely valid. I can't imagine a human being who could go through all these terrible abuses at those young and impressionable ages and not feel these same kinds of things for the abuser. So I don't know how to even begin letting such a thing go. Plus, after considering it all for a long time, I really feel like even if I could forgive this man for these terrible things he did to us, that would be just the same as me saying the things he did to us are ok with me, and they are not, as long as I live they will never be ok with me. So on the one hand, I feel like to this day my anger and my hatred of this man are still so strong, so intense, that I will probably never be able to forgive him as long as I live, and I also can't even begin to imagine how I could ever feel any love for that awful man whatsoever, like I just hate him too much to even be able to imagine the idea even if I wanted to.
Yet on the other hand I know we are commanded as Christians to forgive people who hurt us and love our enemies in order to have God's salvation. So I find myself going back and forth between my terrible hatred and anger for this man, and my very sincere desire to obey Jesus and the Father's commandments for us. And I keep wondering, if it turns out I can never forgive this man and can never love him as long as I live, does that mean I'm a failure as a Christian? Will that bar me from salvation...? This is really a terrible conflict for me that I go through again and again and I don't know how to resolve these things. I don't believe God meant for anybody to live with this kind of heartache, but I just don't know how I could ever forgive or love him when he did such terrible harm to us, especially when he will probably never care even a little bit as long as he lives his sorry, self indulgent excuse for a life.
