FUNNIES

[Big Boy Johnson]

Did you hear about the police chase the other day?
Somebody stole a whole truck load of Viagra!

The cops caught them though.
It was a gang of hardened criminals

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I had an accident while driving over here.
I get out to talk to the guy and he's a midget

He said, "Well, I'm not Happy"
So I asked him, "Well, which one are you?"

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[Big Boy Johnson]

They were telling everyone during covid we should wash our hands often….

I was glad when it was all over because the rest of me was getting pretty stinky!

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Many people were not shaking hands due to the cornvirus…

But, I wasn't shaking hands because everyone was out of toilet paper!

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[Big Boy Johnson]

During covid they said a Mask and Gloves were all that were needed to go to the Grocery Store

They lied.... When I got down there Everyone else had Clothes on!

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Did you hear about the truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub was overturned on the highway?

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours

 

[Big Boy Johnson]

I heard about this special to buy a solar clothes dryer for $300

They shipped me some rope and a few clothespins. I learned my lesson.

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I went to see my doctor and he asked for a stool sample…
So, I told him I would have to enrolled in a basic wood working course.

Yeah, he looked puzzled when I told him it would probably take a couple of months to produce.

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[Big Boy Johnson]

I was in the doctor's office the other day and waited for a really long time.

The nurse finally came in and said she was taking me back to be prepped for a colonoscopy which I thought was strange because I was at the dentist's office.

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I used to work as a zoo keeper, but I got fired…
There were signs everywhere saying “don’t feed the animals” So, I didn’t.

 

[Big Boy Johnson]

A buddy of mine was in town visiting and asked me if I’d like to go horse riding which sounded like fun so I said yeah, sure!

We get over there and the horse I was riding started bucking back forth and I fell off with my foot caught in the stirrup and thank God the manager of Walmart came out and unplugged it!

 

[Big Boy Johnson]

I had dream last night that I was a muffler… I woke up exhausted!

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I was at the Post Office the other day, when I saw a blonde woman shouting in to an envelope.

I asked her what she was doing and she said "Sending a Voice Mail"...

I couldn’t help but to play along so I told her she will have to put 2 stamps on that envelope

 

[Big Boy Johnson]

I was driving down the road one day and I hit a buzzard!

Well, it flew up and over my car and hit the car behind me which was a cop.

He pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird!

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I was walking downtown with a friend of mine and a bird flew over and pooped right on his head!

My friend said, "man, I wish I had some toilet paper"... so I tell him, "What for??? That's bird is probably a half mile down the road by now"

 

[Space_Karen]