It is easy to show compassion to the visibly disabled for anyone with an adequately functional soul. But what of those who appear entirely capable and yet fall short of our expectations? What of the generally competent man who doesn't understand the rules others seem to operate within by their very nature?
From my earliest memory I have borne a suffering that manifests but does not show. It is a pain I have sought to articulate for hope of finding cure but to no avail.
In my youth, I knew God could help me but could not understand why He wouldn't. In adulthood, I incurred much damage trying to mitigate the pain my faith could not. Then I renounced my faith altogether in a desperate search for what I wanted; truth. It took a few years but I did find Him. I went from believing in Jesus to believing in nothing at all to being absolutely certain of Jesus.
I thought I was finally and truly saved. I thought the new light I saw in reading the Scriptures was sure sign of the indwelling Spirit. But I still hurt so deeply. I can't understand why He won't heal me. I have so many blessings but little hope to enjoy them for this misery I cannot escape, let alone identify with any precision.
I thought uprooting every lie would help, and it helped in many ways, but my problem remains unsolved. In fact, I may have exacerbated it. I don't know what my Master desires of me that I might obtain the relief He promised. Stab me, skin me, slay me, fine! At least I would know where the pain originates and that it couldn't last too much longer!
This burden feels too much for me, a monstrous weight on my shoulders that prevents me from turning to it that I might know what it is. My Lord has not seen fit to remove it and I am concerned I will fail Him. But if He means for me to continue in this endurance... Please pray for me.
