I was at the other Christian Forums, but they banned me because I mentioned a few things that I did not know were against the rules (I won't mention them here as to not risk anything). I am absolutely BOILING angry at them, as they picked a terrible time to do that. There's nothing like seeing someone online, and then just not responding and ghosting you.
My mind is in a panicked, lost and horrified state. I hate myself, and I'm so anxious that I'm constantly woozy. I am 35 and have not been with a woman, because I've been busy with life. I then joined the Sosuave forum, which is - for those who don't know - a super macho redpilled alpha male testosterone cold emotionless forum, but they have constant success with women. That place introduced to me how shallow and one-sided the love world is, which has proven that it may be too late for me.
Just when I get help at the other forum, they decide to ban me, and then not tell me if it's permanent or not because half the planet likes to play the "not reply" game. Seriously, who doesn't do that? Every mod at every forum loves doing that, and you can see when they were last online. I am screaming in my head right now, where is this god? Where is this "heals the broken-hearted" that he does? If he doesn't answer, I might have to escape somewhere, because I can hardly even think.
Well, it doesn't seem like you hate yourself completely. If you did, you would agree with every bad thing people said about you and you would not be angry at all, you would be depressed.
So, what I think is that you hate some things about yourself which is good.
We are to become aware of sin in our lives and hate it.
That is a good start. "I hate when I do this or say that ... I hate that I hurt this person m... I was rude, selfish ... what was I thinking..."
But the
anger is a form of frustration and also a defense mechanism. Well frustration leads to getting angry.
An interesting definition of anger is, the response to not getting your way, what you expect. It could be you invested lots of time to accomplish something and failed. So you may quickly lash out at all other possible reasons or people or yourself. The key is to realize that many failures are part of success. Any successful person would tell you that. But also what we strive for on life may be the wrong things. When we actually get to the place where we thought, " If I have this I'll be happy"; or "If I accomplish this"; or "Get that girl"; or "buy a house", "get this job", "get rich" ... then I'll be happy." But when you finally arrive at where you thought would satisfy you, it's like you arrived at a party that's over, the emptiness / void in you is still there.
Only a relationship with God will fill that void.
You take a defense because you love yourself, because you feel are important and some people you are reaching out to for help dismissed you, banned you.
So you love yourself, which you should, but you hate certain things about yourself. This is a perspective that I think most Christians have in the beginning of their path to God. I have been a Christian for 32 years and still say and do things I do not want to do, that aren't what God would consider Holy or righteous.
Realize none of us are perfect. We will be perfected gradually and then completely after we die and rid ourselves of this flesh - where sin dwells. (That concept will take some time to understand)
First things first.
Godly sorrow draws us to God. This important.
"
Attitude is everything!" Chuck Swimdol
Humility accompanies this godly sorrow and opens the door to God and a willingness for change. You are at the point in your life that you are tired of your ways, your path and you are seeking help ... you are crying out ... angry and frustrated. This is a good place to be.
Understand that there is a spiritual battle going on for your soul. Imagine two invisible forces trying to pull you in opposite directions. Well that is what is going on. You are reaching out on a Chriatian forum and Satan starts to get busy discouraging you, putting doubts in your head, negative or even hateful thoughts. Realize stuff is going on inside you that you are not aware of. There are spiritual beings that influence your behavior. Being an atheist, this absolutely ridiculous and illogical. Seems that way.
So since godly sorrow opens the door to God, what di you think keeps it closed?
Arrogance and pride. This attitude says, you know it all, while being full of yourself, you are always right and if anyone says different, you twist and distort what they say, deny it, make excuses for your bad behavior, etc. These are defense mechanisms that kick in but have gone too far. We need to defend ourselves when we are innocent. But when we are guilty, we need to fess up, say we are sorry, make good on the damages, pain and suffering we caused.
We feel guilty, because we are.
That is humility.
Humility says we are not better than anyone else. Pride says we are.
Now this is a healthy attitude, loving yourself, self preservation along with this awareness of your sin.
What is sin? Someone once described sin as " remove the s and the n and you get I. My, me, mine, selfish focus. A task to fill your cup at whatever cost. Sin is missing the mark of perfection. We really know when we did something wrong, our conscience convicts us, or is it God convicting us? Both. Our parents taught about what is right and wrong and in society we have laws so we know when we are doing it.
Actually the
Ten Commandments gives us a clear understanding of what sin is. Some are vertical commands (concerning our relationship with God) and horizontal commands ( our relationship with others).
Basically the message of Jesus is to LOVE GOD and LOVE OTHERS!
It takes time to learn how yo love. We need help. We need to be forgiven of our sins, transformed into the blindness if Christ, BORN AGAIN.
Then that godly sorrow will turn into JOY, tu JOY IF THE LORD.
Then you will start living.
Doubts -- at this point, you have many. But God will resolve and answer all your questions in time. Be patient. Infants can't run when they are born.
You will experience moments of perfection on occasion, when you do the right thing that is needed at the right time, helping others, or even saying the right words to encourage someone who at that moment needed it. When you do the acts that were planned for you to do by the Holy Spirit - that's perfection. All good things come from God. So know this, that humility and godly sorrow says you are tired being on your throne, the failed director of your destiny and so you are now willing to get off your throne and let Jesus sit there and direct you. Put on His yoke and follow, believe, submit, love and you will be at peace.
This is the peace you are craving. It will remove that anger and frustration, the hate. No more boiling ... just calm cool waters ... ahh.
Faith come by the Word.
Start with the Book of John
Pray! That means just talk to God. Ask, "If you are really there, show me the way, revea yourself to me, help me to understand your word, change me." Or something that like that. The point is, if you really want to seek God, open the door of your heart and let Him. He stands at the door and knocks, if anyone opens the door, He will come in and have a relationship with them. He needs an invitation.
He doesn't force anyone to love Him.
This I believe is our purpose in life, to be reconciled to God through Jesus.
So get yourself a Bible, then find a good teaching church, pray for guidance and He will guide you to eternal salvation.
