Hello,
My name in Finnley, Finn, whichever you want to call me, doesn't matter.
I'm in Sacramento, CA, been here my entire life, going on almost 5 decades.
Right now I am in a bit of.... for lack of a better word, spiritual crisis. I'm looking for answers and to hang out and talk with other Christian people.
I have been having some feelings that I can't really explain. I feel as if I'm being told that certain things in my life are bad, or need to change, and to do certain things that are good and better for me. However, its me that is "telling" myself these things. Yet, these things just came about a couple months ago. I've never really had any problems or feelings like this before. I sort have just had them one day and they have been getting progressively stronger each day, each week.
I also have been having many dreams, very intense, realistic, dreams. Recently, I had dreams 2 consecutive nights that didn't really mean anything to me, except for scaring the life out of me in my dream. They were both about black spiders. One was being overrun by black spiders, swarms of them, coming at me. The other was about a single black big spider. Meaningless to me really.
Then the following day I was watching a Christian podcast who talked about seeing the Principalities that constantly attacked his church and congregation. He said that it was a huge black spider sitting above the church with all the legs surrounding the building. That made me think about my dreams and putting the two together.
I brought this up to my father one night, who is a strong Christian, and asked if he thought it was just a coincidence. He told me he didn't believe that at all. He believe they are connected. His exact words to me were, "He is trying to get your attention Finnely, the question is are you going to pay attention to Him?" I went on to tell him about some of the things I've been feeling and not sure what they were or how to handle them. He said things similar to He is trying to get your attention.
In my life and marriage, I am not really a "Christian", I do have a belief in a God though. I don't live a Godly life, but overall I'm a "good" man. I know that the good man doesn't mean anything in being saved or forgiven, I'm just giving my bio.
When I was a young man, late teens, I was in trouble with the law. I did some things that I'm not proud of, embarrassed of, and wish I could forget about. I can't, I think about that everyday of my life for over 30 years.
I told my father that even if God is calling me, I don't deserve to be forgiven. Maybe my punishment should be an eternal hell. That has been my thinking, and belief, all these years. I don't necessarily "want" forgiveness. It would be nice, but I don't deserve to be forgiven for hurting people very deeply. When anything bad happens to me, I chalk it up to that's what I deserve. That is my punishment, I derserve that for my entire life, and then some.
After explaining this to my father he told me, "Finnely, you don't deserve to be forgiven. That is the power of God and He believes you are worthy to be forgiven, if you let Him."
I still can't get myself to believe I "should" ask God for forgiveness. I feel like I'm taking the easy way out for such destruction in my past.
Yet, everyday, these feelings I have get stronger. The only way I think I can describe it is there is a war in my mind and body over good and bad.
So, here I am, seeking the company of others and maybe the wisdom of people with more inside knowledge on things like what I am going through.
I have many questions about God, and Christianity, at the same time I'm going through these things. God has been brought to the forefront of my life, and now I'm thinking about things, and the things that make sense to me, and the things that don't.
Sorry if this post was too long. Once I started I couldn't stop typing.
My name in Finnley, Finn, whichever you want to call me, doesn't matter.
I'm in Sacramento, CA, been here my entire life, going on almost 5 decades.
Right now I am in a bit of.... for lack of a better word, spiritual crisis. I'm looking for answers and to hang out and talk with other Christian people.
I have been having some feelings that I can't really explain. I feel as if I'm being told that certain things in my life are bad, or need to change, and to do certain things that are good and better for me. However, its me that is "telling" myself these things. Yet, these things just came about a couple months ago. I've never really had any problems or feelings like this before. I sort have just had them one day and they have been getting progressively stronger each day, each week.
I also have been having many dreams, very intense, realistic, dreams. Recently, I had dreams 2 consecutive nights that didn't really mean anything to me, except for scaring the life out of me in my dream. They were both about black spiders. One was being overrun by black spiders, swarms of them, coming at me. The other was about a single black big spider. Meaningless to me really.
Then the following day I was watching a Christian podcast who talked about seeing the Principalities that constantly attacked his church and congregation. He said that it was a huge black spider sitting above the church with all the legs surrounding the building. That made me think about my dreams and putting the two together.
I brought this up to my father one night, who is a strong Christian, and asked if he thought it was just a coincidence. He told me he didn't believe that at all. He believe they are connected. His exact words to me were, "He is trying to get your attention Finnely, the question is are you going to pay attention to Him?" I went on to tell him about some of the things I've been feeling and not sure what they were or how to handle them. He said things similar to He is trying to get your attention.
In my life and marriage, I am not really a "Christian", I do have a belief in a God though. I don't live a Godly life, but overall I'm a "good" man. I know that the good man doesn't mean anything in being saved or forgiven, I'm just giving my bio.
When I was a young man, late teens, I was in trouble with the law. I did some things that I'm not proud of, embarrassed of, and wish I could forget about. I can't, I think about that everyday of my life for over 30 years.
I told my father that even if God is calling me, I don't deserve to be forgiven. Maybe my punishment should be an eternal hell. That has been my thinking, and belief, all these years. I don't necessarily "want" forgiveness. It would be nice, but I don't deserve to be forgiven for hurting people very deeply. When anything bad happens to me, I chalk it up to that's what I deserve. That is my punishment, I derserve that for my entire life, and then some.
After explaining this to my father he told me, "Finnely, you don't deserve to be forgiven. That is the power of God and He believes you are worthy to be forgiven, if you let Him."
I still can't get myself to believe I "should" ask God for forgiveness. I feel like I'm taking the easy way out for such destruction in my past.
Yet, everyday, these feelings I have get stronger. The only way I think I can describe it is there is a war in my mind and body over good and bad.
So, here I am, seeking the company of others and maybe the wisdom of people with more inside knowledge on things like what I am going through.
I have many questions about God, and Christianity, at the same time I'm going through these things. God has been brought to the forefront of my life, and now I'm thinking about things, and the things that make sense to me, and the things that don't.
Sorry if this post was too long. Once I started I couldn't stop typing.
I'm glad that you found us and joined in the discussions with us! As far as getting answers to your questions and finding Christians to fellowship with goes, I believe that you've hit the jackpot 
