Sharing my heart

[PantherEye]

Hi everyone...
I am struggling tonight. As you know I was in a bad car accident nearly two years ago.
Before my accident, I was on the path to work as Child Life Specialist. It was no Doctor or PA like I had originally started out to do, but it was amazing. It would give me the chance to work with children… and in the medical field. It was a neat little package of medicine, psychology , and children. Sparing details, things happened to derail that path.

So I decided that God was calling me to work with troubled teens. I set out to look at options- and decided on a path of Criminal Justice & Sociology, with the ultimate goal of obtaining a Master degree in Social Work. So far, so good- I am doing well and this is a realistic goal.
After my wreck, things were put into motion and I entered early menopause, so that went the opportunity to have a child of our own. This is why Mother and Father’s Day is so hard for me. I look around and see all of the children, the couples who are happily married with children. And as happy as I am for them, I grieve. I grieve because I see, what I lost with my wreck. I want to have that ability to impart knowledge, care, and things to a child.

It is a very real void, when your desire is to have children- and you are unable to. My husband and I have found options to sort of fill that very deep void in our life. We started out to become host “parents” for a foreign exchange student, and we should be able to do this for next school year. I have also been approved to be a volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters of America and CASA.

We also have a young man who entered our life through our new church that we think very highly of. This is an individual that has his path in life in order. He is a great student, and even won scholarships. (As I write this, he will be a Freshman in college in the Fall) We are really proud of what he has accomplished and will continue to accomplish.

He has brought true joy into our lives, for which we are very thankful, and we are thrilled to be able to know him. He has a bright future, is kind, compassionate, loving and caring. An all around great young man, and most importantly- he is a strong Christian and rooted in Christ- which is not something you often see that young.

He (I will go with the name Derek). Derek has got his mind set on the path toward a very good medical career (Occupational Therapy, Doctor- and possibly equine therapy with children). I see what I missed, I see the grieving process I have to go through. I am very happy for him, I really am- I just see the vitality, the youth, and what I could have had. Is this wrong?

All of the options aside, I still grieve sometimes. Holidays geared toward parents are hard on me at times, like tonight. I just have to remember and trust that God works everything out. I know he does, and I know that this path he now has us on- is the best one for us right now. I do get sad sometimes, when I think of the loss from my wreck. It has nearly been two years, and the affects seem to be lingering.
Thanks for listening, as I just wanted to talk about a little what was on my heart and mind tonight as I write. I will leave you with a verse, that sums up everything perfectly, and I have been standing on it fervently.

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!- Psalm 126:5

 

[TopherNelson]

Hi Mel,
menopause is unlikely to be reversed, but all things are possible in Christ! I prayed for you.

David.

 

[HammerStone]

Mel, the "God does everything for a reason" saying get's really old, really fast when it's you on the side of the tragedy or hurt.

I have been in a bit of brooding thought lately as I work through a story that happened to some friends of a friend. I think one is almost inhuman if there is not a twinge of doubt or questioning when you read a story like this. I guess because I have two kids very close in age to the two boys, it hit home for me quite hard. I'm not here to compare my worry with your reality, but I think it shed some light in my life in understanding suffering to a small degree.

I think first, it starts at the cross and with a God who watched his son suffer. I was listening to a podcast one day when the pastor who was preaching in it, referred to the passage in Genesis 15 where God entered into covenant with Abraham. I knew that there was obvious significance in the event but this pastor went into detail about how this was an ancient covenant, and the idea about passing among the dismembered sacrifice was meant as a warning to the parties going into covenant. By passing in the midst, the parties making the deal were agreeing to end up like the animal if they did not hold to their end of the deal.

As the preacher revealed this, I recall a wave of emotion as it clicked. God knew the cross would come as he made this arrangement. God knew his son would be savaged in ways we do not understand as he was flogged and crucified. Yet he still made the deal. If you had known harmlessly reaching for a water bottle would have caused this, wouldn't you have avoided it?

On top of this, the covenant in Genesis 15 was made where only the angel of the Lord passed through the sacrifice - meaning the entire covenant rested on Him alone and not Abraham at all.

So fast forward to now, and we all know stories of suffering if we have not been touched by them ourselves. Why did God let that older brother be crushed to death? Why did God let a simple mistake (if you could even call it that) change your life in such an overwhelming way? I certainly don't think he delights in it. I don't think he even desires to let it happen. But, I cannot help call to mind the response of Jesus to the question about the tower of Siloam (Luke 13:1-5). We are all preoccupied with needing a cause and effect, but Jesus reminds us to be kingdom minded and preoccupied with the state of our souls.

I think the wreck was allowed to happen because you will use evil for good and be active in the life of this young guy as the Spirit works through you. By opening up your home and heart, you've taken a child who obviously was brought up in the Lord and showed him that people that don't really have anything to gain by loving him can and do live out the love of God. Had you had your own, chances were you may not have ever made the choice to this program. And there, I tend to think, is our quiet little answer. I think there is also more to come.

I don't think it eases much pain or gives you a full explanation, but those tears you're shedding and will probably continue to shed are for something.

 

[pompadour]

Mel. I won't say I know your pain, because every one is different and I can't know how much it hurts you. But God does.

I have been around for a lot of years, a lot of pain and disappointments.
I have found a way to deal with them that works for me. May help you.

When I get some thing in my life that I just can't deal with. I'm talking about something that just eats away at your heart and make you sick, and angry at God. I have had a few.

What I do is, pray to God and ask him to take the pain and the problem. ( cast your cares unto the Lord for he cares for you ) I put my hands out if front of me and I speak the problem in to my hands and ask God to take the problem because you can't handle it any longer, then I toss it up to heaven.
Hear is the most important part. If you give something to God. ( You can't take it back.) So every time it comes back into you mind, ( and it will ) say NO, I gave it to God and I will not take it back. then think of something else or pray a prayer.

I hope this will work for you also. and remember "Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor has it entered into the hart of man, what God has prepared for them that love Him."

God Bless. Pomp.