Worried about business trip

[Sweet Pea]

[SIZE=10pt]Before I married my husband, I told him I am insecure about cheating because, unfortunately, my dad did that to my mom and it was awful. That's all I heard growing up and it really ruined my mom's life (she stayed home with kids and didn't work, so after the divorce, she didn't have a way to support herself the same way - she was out of the work force a long time). Also, my ex-husband mistreated me and also admitted to cheating on me, so I was very suspicious about cheating, especially since it's all I heard about since I was born.

We talked a lot about it and he assured me he would never be a cheater and would understand if I was suspicious about it. He said he would just continue to reassure me. We talked in great detail how married people should avoid situations that can lead to adultery (do not spend time alone with the opposite sex, etc.). We thought it would be unlikely he would ever have a job where business trips were required, but if he ever did, he said I would always go with him. If you look it up, the statistics about cheating on business trips are pretty bad.

He just got promoted to a position where business trips are going to happen. Edited to add: he says this is a one time thing... I don't think it's going to be the only one. It said first annual, so it's at least annual. He is also claiming it doesn't count as a business trip since it's in a nearby city. Anyway, he asked if families or spouses are allowed and they told him no they are not allowed. His boss told him he needs to go on it. What should we do? I feel that he is not keeping his word and that leads me to doubt him. He is upset with me because he feels not going is going to hinder his job outlook, and it might.

I don't see how a job can tell him I can't go, if it's at our expense. I wouldn't go to the meetings or anything, just the hotel and I would do my own thing while they were in meetings.

He thinks I don't trust him, and I have to admit... I don't! I have trust issues. He hasn't helped because after ten years of marriage, he has said some hurtful things when he is mad like he can't stand me, and worse. If he can't stand me, why wouldn't he cheat?

Am I in the wrong here? I just don't want to wind up with a disease because he decided to cheat. I've heard it too many times. The stay-at-home mom winds up with something awful because their husband turned out to be a cheater, and they are completely blind-sighted by it.

What should I do?

Also wanted to add... I felt he should have told his boss that he is willing to go on every business trip there is, but he doesn't go without his wife. This is what he said he would say years ago. Now he's saying he only said what I wanted to hear. Do you think that helps me trust him? That actually made it way worse. Then, when I said that, he said he only said that because he was mad, but I don't believe him.

He wants me to add that he said he'll get me a room anyway, but he'll sleep in the company room. I think this is a bad idea for a couple of reasons.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Keep in mind, this meeting is taking place 20 minutes from our home. Why does he have to stay in a hotel instead of coming home to his family? He goes back and forth from being mad at me to thinking his work is wrong. When he is mad at me, he says stuff like "get off me" to embarrass me. Like I'm obsessed with him. Should a Christian man behave like this because his wife is concerned about him cheating?[/SIZE]

 

[Arnie Manitoba]

A 20 minute commute is much too close to require staying in a hotel .... so there must be another reason

Most likely there are many of his co-workers going too .... often they want everyone at the meetings , plus supper together , and then early morning breakfast together , and then a day of meetings

It is done to keep everybody focused without distractions like going home each evening ... similar to going on a weekend retreat.

Probably nothing to worry about.

 

[Sweet Pea]

Yes, the other managers are going. I have heard that the affair statistics on business trips are pretty bad. I don't understand why he cannot choose to go home as long as he is there for all meetings. Am I being unreasonable? If he tells his work that he would rather go home and drive back the next morning, or that he is going to get a room at his expense so his wife can be there, will this make him look bad? What would they have thought if he said from the get-go that he will go on any business trip they need him to go on, but that he doesn't go without his wife?

 

[Dan57]

I'd trust your spouse until they give you a definitive reason not to trust them. Employers dictate the rules, and they obviously don't want family there as a distraction. You can't babysit your husband because you don't trust him, and keep in mind, he's leaving you alone too, so he obviously has faith in you. JMO

 

[Arnie Manitoba]

If all the other managers are also going then I would say not to worry .. I have been in those type of situations and affairs would be the last thing to happen

The whole idea is to get all the staff (managers) together usually to train and motivate them (for business) .... even the after hours meals etc are all part of the "teamwork' approach .... relaxing conversations about business are often more productive than during the busy daytime.

I have even had to stay with the group in a hotel when the seminar was held right in my home town.

Other situations where I was away for a week training , the bosses insisted we each spend an hour on the phones with our families each evening and they paid the long distance charges ... family harmony was important to them

Very few companies allow romantic interactions in the workplace and certainly would not knowingly permit it during a training session .... those things harm the workplace and ruin families .... all of which are disadvantages to a business and its employees.

 

[Sweet Pea]

I'd trust your spouse until they give you a definitive reason not to trust them. Employers dictate the rules, and they obviously don't want family there as a distraction. You can't babysit your husband because you don't trust him, and keep in mind, he's leaving you alone too, so he obviously has faith in you. JMO

He has given me reasons not to trust him. What do you suggest?

He doesn't have to worry about the stay-at-home mom that he is leaving with children while he is alone.

If all the other managers are also going then I would say not to worry .. I have been in those type of situations and affairs would be the last thing to happen

The whole idea is to get all the staff (managers) together usually to train and motivate them (for business) .... even the after hours meals etc are all part of the "teamwork' approach .... relaxing conversations about business are often more productive than during the busy daytime.

I have even had to stay with the group in a hotel when the seminar was held right in my home town.

Other situations where I was away for a week training , the bosses insisted we each spend an hour on the phones with our families each evening and they paid the long distance charges ... family harmony was important to them

Very few companies allow romantic interactions in the workplace and certainly would not knowingly permit it during a training session .... those things harm the workplace and ruin families .... all of which are disadvantages to a business and its employees.

I've heard the complete opposite. I believe the statistic was the a third of men on business trips are cheating. That is awful.

I don't feel a business is family oriented if they drag the employee away from their families for a night of drinking and socializing at a hotel... no families or spouses allowed!

 

[Dan57]

He has given me reasons not to trust him. What do you suggest?

He doesn't have to worry about the stay-at-home mom that he is leaving with children while he is alone.

Well, if you don't trust him, I'd just call him every night and make sure he's alone. If he doesn't answer, make a trip to the motel and knock on the door. But the bottom line is that if cheating is in his heart, it will happen sooner or later. Whether he remains faithful must emanate from within himself, you can't constantly control his actions. Worrying about it won't help, demonstrating that you don't trust him may not help either. It might be better to assure him that you trust him and leave it alone. If he chooses to throw his wife, family, and home away for one foolish night, then he doesn't deserve any of it. Only you can make the call and decide, but I wouldn't condemn someone for something they've never done. He might just say things because he doesn't feel important, isn't happy, or wants attention? But if he's never cheated before, I'd give him the benefit of doubt, for your own sake as well as his. jmo

 

[HammerStone]

As a Veteran of an almost month-long business trip in which I did not cheat, I can assure you that going on such a trip is not a guarantee! I'm also not sure what the stats would be on how many of those business trips were indeed business trips nor how often cheating takes place while one is sadly in the home...

With that said, you are voicing concerns that stem from your experiences. I am sympathetic to this, but let me ask you a question in reply. Is your relationship at a healthy level when you feel forced to keep your significant other at home in order to keep tabs on them? Either there are underlying issues or there are not. If there are, then you have larger problems and this event is a symptom. If he has given you no reason to suspect anything, then you are letting fear control a relationship and undermine trust. Trust is the bedrock of your relationship. God's sanctioned marriage is something that must be built upon trust.

It's never right for a husband or wife to have angry words, but to think that marriage is rosy and that any expression of frustrations at time are indicative of something larger is an illogical jump. We all say dumb things we regret.

That said, you need to talk to your husband about this. (Which it seems you have.) He needs to understand your concerns and maybe see if there are ways that he can help your doubts. Moreso by actions on the ground when he is away on the trip.

I am a little concerned it seems like you are already at the point of frustration with each other about this trip. If that is the case, then I really recommend nothing else other than talking to a pastor about this. I'm not sure there is enough information on a forum to properly judge, but it does sound like there may be a little more to the story. I think you very much need to talk to someone face-to-face who can provide solid godly advice.

 

[Arnie Manitoba]

I've heard the complete opposite. I believe the statistic was the a third of men on business trips are cheating. That is awful.

I don't feel a business is family oriented if they drag the employee away from their families for a night of drinking and socializing at a hotel... no families or spouses allowed!

How does he know he can trust you while he is away ?

Will you suddenly become a different person ?

Why should a business trip make him something different than what he is now ?

You are insecure and afraid you will lose him if you let him out of your sight

That is the issue , what he does or does not do is beside the point

Sorry to be harsh , but neither the trip nor your husband is the problem here.

Your husbands employer did not plan this whole thing just to abandon you

That thought is a self-made monster lurking in your mind only .... get rid of it