What I wished I knew and understood from the beginning

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Well, here is my story. I grew up in a Christian home, went to church my whole life. On the surface, people might say I as average, but they didn't know my secret. I found sex at a very young age. Now, I'm married man, with children. I'm also a Christian, I think I'm a real Christian because I used to really live very opposite on how I professed. I used to think this "God will give me a wife and this will cure me" I was dead wrong. I got worse. Marriage was not to blame, my wife was not the problem. She was kind, pretty and everything I wanted. The problem was - lust. Lust wanted more, to be specific, it didn't matter if I professed to be a Christian because I was really living a double-life. This is why I have always been in fear of hell. I always thought "God is going to kill me" for what I did and what I am still doing. That was my hidden life of sexual immorality. It has many faces but there is one main face - sexual sins aka lust.

It didn't matter if I was happy with my wife, I always wanted more. And I wanted more because I was addicted to the female body. Any female body. So I was always thinking that women are just objects. I knew they were not really, but how I acted proved this was true, despite my profession.


My mind has always been corrupt like this. Before marriage, after marriage. My wife never knew who she married. She told me that she thought I was a good man and pure and all of that. It wasn't until after she found out about my sexual sins and multiple affairs that she was dealing with a really sick man. There are different levels of sickness. Some are watching porn and masturbating. Some are having casual sex with other women and some are seeing prostitutes and going to massage parlors. I was doing all of that. I was addicted to any women who would even talk to me or smile at me. I only worshipped sex.

How did I get help? It was not in 12 step meetings, I tried that. It was in Christian sex addiction recovery. I read books like "Every Man's Battle" and "Celebrate Recovery" and more books even from a guy named Mike Genung from Blazing Grace ministries.

What I had to realize, and really know was this.

God loves me.

Sound simple doesn't it. It's not. I knew that truth my whole life, so why was I still practicing things that God hated and were so dangerous to my health and my wife's health.

Answer. I was serving an idol. The women's body and my body were idols. I had to forsake this and God had to revive me from the dead. I was so dead. I lusted after anything, Christian sisters at church, all women online. But not now. I don't even lust after women online or at work, or watch porn or do anything like that anymore. I gave it up. For a new and better love.

When I learned that God loved me, despite me and my sins, I was just lost in this love. Here is what I mean. For so many times, I hated my wife for not giving me sex anytime and all the time, I resented her, and this hurt and made me search for my drug of lust in others and all others. I could not get enough from these other people, and I was hurting my wife too. She threated to leave me many times. I saw her soul crushed and depressed. God came in to change my way of thinking to love my wife again and cut off all the immoral affairs. It was very hard for me because I was so addicted to women also physically and emotionally. I had emotional affairs and co-dependency so that is very hard to quit. The only way is to quit it, say goodbye, cut off that relationship and do not contact that person again.

You might know that and I know that but how? Honestly, it's hard to break up with a person to whom you are having an affair with, because your mind is so lost in their 'love' but the truth is - it's not love, it's lust. It's perverted and Jesus said in Matthew 19 'do not separate what God has put together' this was the man and women in marriage. What I was doing was breaking apart what God has put together. What I was also doing was worshipping and serving the creation rather than the creator (Romans 1) and I was getting what I wanted "God gave me over to a depraved mind" and this mind is really dark and really bad. This is why people are able to do the most terrible and shocking things because they are given over to a depraved mind. They are also being tempted by Satan and Satan and demons of lust have a foothold on this person. A brother needs to pray for this and cast out the devil in Jesus' name. There is no other way. Prayer is the way and seeking God for real is the way. Jesus is that way. I can't read enough book. I can't go to meeting enough meetings. I have to get on my knee's or on my face before God almighty then cry and weep and seek God and confess and forsake all my sins. However you do it, you must, if you are involved in any kind of sexual sins.

Sure, hell is a reality (Matthew 5:27-30) and (Luke 16) but what is more than that - is God's willing to forgive you and me, and God died for our sins, and God is able to love us unconditionally more than our wife, more than any lust can do, and it's best this way. I have experienced God's love. I have been many times so horny and hurt and just a wreck, my wife is my not my God, she is not able to fix me, even she gives me sex, she is not my all and all. The next morning, we will probably argue about something and I will feel again "hurt" by her. She has already forgiven me so many times. There is no reason to keep on sinning. The children I have will ask "where is dad?" if I keep sinning, die and go to hell. It's not worth it.

Women do not know what power they have over man. But God made them pretty, but I don't have to give them power over me, I am told to self-control. If Christ lives in me, then I am able to live a life of self-control. Not merely "looking" righteous" but actually desiring not to lust after her beauty and desire to not hurt God, and desire walk in a holy and pleasing manner. When I am able to do that, I will know it's God working through me and not my own power. When I say "God is helping me" I mean it. I'm not saying "Look at me, see how righteous I am". I'm not righteous whatsoever. Even if someone say "wow, good job" I don't accept it, because I can't do a good job by myself. I tried and I can't. When I am close to God, I feel like I can do anything, because God helping me. But when I start to neglect reading the Word, seeking God from reading and meditating on God, or prayers, then my heart will inevitably start to backslide. It might take some time to detox from old behaviors, but first is to be born again, trusting in Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior who died for our sins, all my sins, and was raised to life for my salvation and power to life a new life. Then I am able to say "I don't need internet right now" and "I don't' need to look at her" and I will seek God.

What I wish I would have learned in the beginning and really got was this.
God loves me, even when all others don't' because God's love is unconditional because "while we were still yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly" Romans 5:8 I didn't do anything to earn it. God love. I also can't get what I truly want - love and acceptance' from my wife or anyone, so this is why I need Jesus Christ. This is why I have only hope in God for doing the impossible. The impossible which includes healing for my wife's soul. The impossible which also includes thinking about all women in absolute purity with holy and good intentions and it would be pleasing and glory to God, not me. Thank you Jesus.

I'm not against those who are secular 12 step meetings, unless you are not trusting in the real God. Your HP (higher power) you create, if God is not the God you have, then it's not going to help you. We can't create a HP/god to help us if we don't trust in the real God. The God of the Bible.

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dominic
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