My father's birthday is this week, he'll be 86. He's always been pretty healthy. Even in his 70s, he was still pretty active and going to the gym. But in the last few years, his health has declined rapidly. It's more than apparent that his time here on earth is short. This is a difficult thing to accept. I know he is saved, and he will go to a much better place. Still, it's not a day I'm looking forward to. I feel like a cloud is hanging over me. I have never lost anyone close before, and I think he will be the first. The hardest part is accepting that your parents will not be around forever, in this life anyway.
Dealing with an ailing parent.
- Thread starter Jericho
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Ronald David Bruno
Well-Known Member
He's not dead yet, so don't worry about how you will feel in some future time. The Great Tribulation is close - you may both go at the same time?
That said, if he does go soon, he is saved, his spirit is alive, so he will always be in your heart. Your spiritual connection is not cut. You will only be temporarily unable to see him.. You can't see Jesus either, yet you have a relationship with Him.
Both my parents passed and it was fine for me. I'll see them in a few years. Til then, in my prayers, I ask Jesus to say hi to them and send them a message and he does.
There is a time to mourn and grieve and it will pass. After a time, you will pull out the old photos and videos occasionally and reminisce and smile. Happy memories of him and the love you have is light and in the light, there is no darkness.
Don't fear and worry about the future, God has a plan.
That said, if he does go soon, he is saved, his spirit is alive, so he will always be in your heart. Your spiritual connection is not cut. You will only be temporarily unable to see him.. You can't see Jesus either, yet you have a relationship with Him.
Both my parents passed and it was fine for me. I'll see them in a few years. Til then, in my prayers, I ask Jesus to say hi to them and send them a message and he does.
There is a time to mourn and grieve and it will pass. After a time, you will pull out the old photos and videos occasionally and reminisce and smile. Happy memories of him and the love you have is light and in the light, there is no darkness.
Don't fear and worry about the future, God has a plan.
Day by day my brother!
My dad died at 56. I hardly knew him. My mother died at 64. My anger and bitterness against her didn't leave me until God gave me a little something after she had died. My sister died at 61, 6 years ago. I miss her!!
You have another day with your dad, after a lifetime of days with him, enjoy this day as a gift from God, because it is.
After my dad died, we went to his home, 600 miles away, to do what we could with his stuff. After I came home, and after I was ready to start my daily things again, I picked up the Sci-Fi book I was reading, I don't remember anything about the book except that moments after I started reading it again, I read this: "nothing make a boy feel more a man than the death of his father". And that resonated so deeply in my heart. I was already feeling, "It's up to me now". And I knew without any doubt God had planted that there for me.
God will take care of you.
I pray for your peace! Tell him how much you love him.
Much love!
No-one looks forward to the death of loved ones. Take advantage of the fact he is able to talk and talk with him.
Tell him you love him, resolve any lingering resentments and here's the hard thing, ask about his funeral and will.
Get him to put in writing what sort of service, the hymns, readings etc make sure his will and everything in it is correct and up-to-date.
The last thing you want to do following his death is to organise his funeral service.
Other than this, take the time to enjoy being with him.
It's amazing what Hospitals can do in keeping some like that going for years and years on deaths door.
Years ago one was finished.
I hope I just go quickly and not be a bother to anyone.
I am not looking forward to getting older that's for sure ! If one was bright eyed and bushy tailed all is good to go to 100yo.
I remember a good mates Grand mother, he lived with her, in her last years, he would go work 5hr drive away for a week or so and he would say see you Grand ! and she would demand, No you won't ! Don't you wish that on me, as she wanted be Dead.
His Dad was in a real bad way befor he died, and my mate said, do you want anything. his Dad said Yes, a pistol ! seriously.
Such can put one in a tail spin for sure, when they die ! every one who died is different to me in how I felt about such.
I and all wanted my Dad to die, because no point in prolonging it the way he was ! The Doctors all thought he would die at any tick of the clock but no.
I have another good mate and the way both of his parents died and I am like, how good was that ! quick and good way out. I got on well with them as well ! but he has no idea at all, what others can have too put up with !
Years ago one was finished.
I hope I just go quickly and not be a bother to anyone.
I am not looking forward to getting older that's for sure ! If one was bright eyed and bushy tailed all is good to go to 100yo.
I remember a good mates Grand mother, he lived with her, in her last years, he would go work 5hr drive away for a week or so and he would say see you Grand ! and she would demand, No you won't ! Don't you wish that on me, as she wanted be Dead.
His Dad was in a real bad way befor he died, and my mate said, do you want anything. his Dad said Yes, a pistol ! seriously.
Such can put one in a tail spin for sure, when they die ! every one who died is different to me in how I felt about such.
I and all wanted my Dad to die, because no point in prolonging it the way he was ! The Doctors all thought he would die at any tick of the clock but no.
I have another good mate and the way both of his parents died and I am like, how good was that ! quick and good way out. I got on well with them as well ! but he has no idea at all, what others can have too put up with !
I always loved my Dad regardless but after he died I don't ? why is that ! He is not their !
I know everything, as in like that, I have no need ask him anything.
I know others who lost their Dad and they are like, they want to ask things or need him for such ?
I have had people say to me who my dad was ? as if they knew him more than I did ? I worked with him for many years in fact and had him working with me when he was 70yo laying old brick pavers ! that's hard work for a old dude with emphysema carrying 6 bricks and then crashing down and as soon as he could get back into it and I know many people who could not keep up with him even then ! he gave up work at 71yo and lived to 76yo.
My Father inlaw stoped working as a mechanic at 90yo, he is 95yo this year. and still driving, he is a great bloke and most people think he is in his mid 80's.
How you are feeling is quite normal, i remember feeling the same way as my parents started to decline. However I came to realise that I was in transition , coming to terms with losing a parent is all part of being prepared for when it happens. You start to grieve, and now that I am the parent getting older ,I see the same t with my children and also within myself. My deepest grief is leaving them, but I equally have to come to terms with the reality that I have to Let them go as well.
I feared losing my parents, but despite the pain , I coped better than I thought I would xx
I was grateful that I had good parents ( that doesn’t mean they were perfect ) and equally grateful that they both reach 80+ in years, although my dad reaching 91 with ailing health was a challenge and I found myself partially relieved when he passed.
All The best as you walk this path xxxx
I feared losing my parents, but despite the pain , I coped better than I thought I would xx
I was grateful that I had good parents ( that doesn’t mean they were perfect ) and equally grateful that they both reach 80+ in years, although my dad reaching 91 with ailing health was a challenge and I found myself partially relieved when he passed.
All The best as you walk this path xxxx
My mother has dementia she is turning 89 today.I visit during the week wake her up get her dressed and get her breakfast and spend some time with her.Which I will do today - she won't know its her birthday even if you tell her those things don't concern her anymore.
I was a hospice volunteer for over 30 years I have seen many people to their death I did matched volunteer service where they match you up and you go with that person until the end.I did it many times and more - last days last hour you sit with the person until they pass - visits to the palliative ward on Sundays spending time with people.Every week for years.
After all that it helps very little when it comes to my Mother.My advice is be respectful listen and treat them with kindness - your the adult now and they are the child.Listening is the most important part. My Mother is way past listening but she needs to be heard.
When I see my mom I remember one woman I was visiting someone and this woman came up to me and said please sir help me I don't know what I'm doing here please help me!Obvious;y now she had dementia and her family had just dropped her at the hospital I think that's cruel dumping your parents and your responsibility.I would never do that.That memory will haunt me for ever because I could not help her.
The last thing I do with my mother before I leave is get her to pray every time and she does its something she will never forget.
I was a hospice volunteer for over 30 years I have seen many people to their death I did matched volunteer service where they match you up and you go with that person until the end.I did it many times and more - last days last hour you sit with the person until they pass - visits to the palliative ward on Sundays spending time with people.Every week for years.
After all that it helps very little when it comes to my Mother.My advice is be respectful listen and treat them with kindness - your the adult now and they are the child.Listening is the most important part. My Mother is way past listening but she needs to be heard.
When I see my mom I remember one woman I was visiting someone and this woman came up to me and said please sir help me I don't know what I'm doing here please help me!Obvious;y now she had dementia and her family had just dropped her at the hospital I think that's cruel dumping your parents and your responsibility.I would never do that.That memory will haunt me for ever because I could not help her.
The last thing I do with my mother before I leave is get her to pray every time and she does its something she will never forget.
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Hi @Jericho. My husband died last September - he was 85. Like your dad he had always been fit and active until the last few years. But God helped me cope. As it was a certainty that one of us would be left alone it was something I had prayed about for years. Then when it happened God took over, the very next day i asked him for a word and he gave me a bible passage to show that he would strengthen me and give me courage to go forward without Ray. And I am doing.
So just bring your concerns to Father God and trust Him now and when the time comes for your dad to go home to Jesus. Perhaps he will meet Ray there.
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Bob
Well-Known Member
Thank you for your heartfelt post.
The both of you are blest—he by a long life and a child who honors him; you by your compassion. Cherish each day.
God will supply you both with your needs. As always, pray for guidance and understanding.
Blessings.
The both of you are blest—he by a long life and a child who honors him; you by your compassion. Cherish each day.
God will supply you both with your needs. As always, pray for guidance and understanding.
Blessings.
I think I can understand that. My mother is my dad's primary caretaker, and I know how exhausting it is to take care of someone who can't take care of themselves. Perhaps, losing him will not nearly as difficult as having him but seeing him struggle.
That's how I felt when Ray died. He was so frail and needed so much care that he was ready to go for both our sakes. He hated that I had to do so much for him.
My father has passed. Watching him die was one of the most difficult thing I've had to go through. Still, I'm glad we were with him when he breathed his last. Rest in peace, dad.
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PS95
Well-Known Member
Hi Jericho,
I just read this thread. I'm sorry to hear this sad news.
I'm glad that you had time to spend with him before he passed. That's what I held onto when my dad died. I was there when he breathed his last also. I know how hard that is. I have found that I kind of block that memory. Yes, be glad that you were able to be there for him. My dad was sick for a long time so there was a kind of relief, but it did not prevent grief. I have been through this several times.
Your dad was a believer!
That's wonderful. Nothing is more helpful than that.Since this is your first loss I'd like to offer a little insight, if I may. I hope something I can say may help down the road. I know nothing I can say now truly helps, but I will give it a shot.. it's just a heads up- for the immediate future-
Right now , you and mom are in a state of shock and that lasts several days or a week. I truly believe it's God's protection to get us through all that has to be done. So, go with it and accomplish what is needed.
Don't be surprised if the grief hits hard later. Upcoming is the year of the firsts. First everything without him.
Let the tears flow, pray, and soon enough you will find yourselves looking at old pics and videos and laughing at the good memories shared together.
You can always be thankful for having known him and that he loved the Lord -- you have the glorious hope that I did not!
There is a cycling of emotions and in no special order for everyone. How long that lasts is anyone's guess since it varies. Shock, sadness, anger, acceptance. You will finally rest on your hope and acceptance. Time really does heal most of it. It does end. Takes time and everyone is different. You may think it's over when it returns again maybe just one emotion or two or jumbled up, but it will end.
My reason for telling you about the cycling is 1) so you don't think you're going crazy... 2) to see it in mom and be there for her when able.
It's hard because you hurt yourself, but for mom this is truly life altering in a way that isn't the same for the children.
Emotions run high during this time and you need to be extra forgiving and kind to each other. Try to stay active.
I will be praying for you and your mom.
I don't know what it's like when a loved one dies who is a believer, so I think that is going to be your KEY.
Grief is about us. It's because we miss that person. Know that your dad doesn't want you to be sad for long. He wants what is best for you always. He is done his race and wants you to happy. You will get there!
Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and advice, PS95. It still hurts the same, even though he was a believer. I think I'm handling it better than I thought I would. Maybe because I knew it was coming for some time, so, it gave me a chance to mentally prepare and ease into the grief period, which really started while he was still alive.
Thank you, Debp.
PS95
Well-Known Member
I'm glad to hear that and may it continue. Remember though it is the shock stage, and I felt the same way then too. It lasts approx a week. All of my yapping and I didn't offer you.. ..my deepest condolences- from my heart, brother. One day there will be no more death and we will be done with all of this sort of thing!
It's been about two months now since my father passed, and I wanted to write about it. My father had always been healthy and robust except for the last 2 years of his life. It was then his health began to decline rapidly. He started eating less and less and losing a lot of weight. Then he started moving less and less. I admit, I got frustrated with him at times because I didn't think he was trying hard enough to help himself. Now, I understand it wasn't his fault. He was sick, more sick than even I realized. Looking back, it was obvious, but at the time, I couldn't see it or maybe I didn't want to see it. I just thought it was his age or that he was being stubborn. Obviously, I could see his health declining. He was wasting away before my eyes. We tried to help in every way possible, from doctors to supplements, but to no avail. I even went on a three-day prayer fast for him.
On that final day or two, I knew his time was short. I closed the door and talked to him alone. I told him all the things on my heart, all the things I didn't say before because it would have been an admission that he was going to die. I don't know if he heard me. By then he was comatose and unresponsive. Maybe it was more for me than it was for him, but I told him everything I wanted to say. I told him he was the best dad I could ever ask for, and that I was proud to be his son. I told him that he can go home now and that I would see him again. I held his hand one last time and gently caressed his head.
I can't remember if he passed that night or the following night. I remember dinner was ready and it was time to eat. I looked over at my wife, and I could see she was starting to cry. I think she knew before I did that he was about to pass. I went to check on him before I went to eat, and I noticed his breathing had changed. It was much more shallow. With tears in my eyes, I told my mother that I think he was about to go. We all huddled around his bed. It was not maybe more than 20 minutes later that I saw my dad take his last breath and die. We all were crying. I heard my mother cry harder than I think I've ever heard her cry.
Nothing can prepare you for losing a parent. It never crossed my mind that one day I would witness my father die and be carried out in a body bag. It was a very surreal experience. Even now, it almost doesn't seem real. My father can't die; it seemed almost like an impossibility. For 50 years he was a part of my life. Except for a few weeks during all that time, I saw and talked to him every single day. And now, suddenly, he was gone. When he died, it felt like he took a piece of me with him. There's a void in my heart that cannot be filled. I've never been much of a cryer, but sometimes it still hits me. I suppose I will miss him for the rest of my life until the day we are reunited. A part of me wants to join him now. However long I have left on this earth, 30 or 40 years if I'm lucky, feels like an eternity without him in it. But I know in the scheme of things a few decades is just a blip in time. Soon enough, I will be joining him.
The difficult thing I've had to deal with is the way he died. I never thought my dad would die sick and infirm. That's not the way I wanted him to go. I didn't want him to go at all, but I would have preferred if he passed away in good health. I don't know why he died the way he did or why our prayers didn't work. I've known some other good, faithful Christians who were taken from this earth by sickness and disease. I know healing works; I've seen evidence of it. Why it didn't work for them is a mystery. Maybe on the other side of eternity it will all make sense. But it has made me think a lot about death, maybe more than is healthy.
I take solace in knowing he's not suffering anymore. He's whole again, and I know where he's at; he's happier than he's ever been. Whatever he went through on earth doesn't even compare to the glory he's experiencing now. He wouldn't want to come back now even if you asked him to. And while I don't understand why he died the way he did, the time he was sick was relatively short. He had far more good, healthy years than not. I'm also thankful to have had him in my life for half a century; not everyone gets that, and I know I will see him again. So dad, it's not goodbye; it's see you later.
On that final day or two, I knew his time was short. I closed the door and talked to him alone. I told him all the things on my heart, all the things I didn't say before because it would have been an admission that he was going to die. I don't know if he heard me. By then he was comatose and unresponsive. Maybe it was more for me than it was for him, but I told him everything I wanted to say. I told him he was the best dad I could ever ask for, and that I was proud to be his son. I told him that he can go home now and that I would see him again. I held his hand one last time and gently caressed his head.
I can't remember if he passed that night or the following night. I remember dinner was ready and it was time to eat. I looked over at my wife, and I could see she was starting to cry. I think she knew before I did that he was about to pass. I went to check on him before I went to eat, and I noticed his breathing had changed. It was much more shallow. With tears in my eyes, I told my mother that I think he was about to go. We all huddled around his bed. It was not maybe more than 20 minutes later that I saw my dad take his last breath and die. We all were crying. I heard my mother cry harder than I think I've ever heard her cry.
Nothing can prepare you for losing a parent. It never crossed my mind that one day I would witness my father die and be carried out in a body bag. It was a very surreal experience. Even now, it almost doesn't seem real. My father can't die; it seemed almost like an impossibility. For 50 years he was a part of my life. Except for a few weeks during all that time, I saw and talked to him every single day. And now, suddenly, he was gone. When he died, it felt like he took a piece of me with him. There's a void in my heart that cannot be filled. I've never been much of a cryer, but sometimes it still hits me. I suppose I will miss him for the rest of my life until the day we are reunited. A part of me wants to join him now. However long I have left on this earth, 30 or 40 years if I'm lucky, feels like an eternity without him in it. But I know in the scheme of things a few decades is just a blip in time. Soon enough, I will be joining him.
The difficult thing I've had to deal with is the way he died. I never thought my dad would die sick and infirm. That's not the way I wanted him to go. I didn't want him to go at all, but I would have preferred if he passed away in good health. I don't know why he died the way he did or why our prayers didn't work. I've known some other good, faithful Christians who were taken from this earth by sickness and disease. I know healing works; I've seen evidence of it. Why it didn't work for them is a mystery. Maybe on the other side of eternity it will all make sense. But it has made me think a lot about death, maybe more than is healthy.
I take solace in knowing he's not suffering anymore. He's whole again, and I know where he's at; he's happier than he's ever been. Whatever he went through on earth doesn't even compare to the glory he's experiencing now. He wouldn't want to come back now even if you asked him to. And while I don't understand why he died the way he did, the time he was sick was relatively short. He had far more good, healthy years than not. I'm also thankful to have had him in my life for half a century; not everyone gets that, and I know I will see him again. So dad, it's not goodbye; it's see you later.
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Brother @Jericho. I remember when my dad passed away, I was very anxious that night. I had no idea he was about to die. All my physical actions should have alerted me but it didn't. Instead of sleeping in my bedroom, I slept in the lounge and placed my home phone right next to me and slept there. Early in the morning, I got the call from my mom that he had passed in the night. This must have been around 4am. I got up and went straight to my parents house. He had his eyes closed and his mouth open. I held his hand and saw a vision. (a replay of what had happened when he died). In the vision, I saw an angel of the lord come and reach down into his mouth and pull him out. He was in the form of a spiritman. He looked at my mom before leaving with the angel of the lord. They passed through their bedroom window to the outside and disappeared.
There was much activity after that as family were called and everyone turned up. The funeral director people came and zipped him into a bag and left.
Later on, I became very angry with the Lord and didn't talk to him for 9 months. My friends were worried about me but I was stuck in this place where I couldn't understand why he didn't tell me he was about to take him home.
Please understand, he nearly died 7 years earlier. At the time, he was not saved. I wrestled with God through the night till he healed him completely and sent him home the following day. The lord granted him 7 more years.
After 9 months of not talking to the Lord. I asked him again. "Why did you not tell me you were taking him home?" I heard him very clearly say, "Angel, If I told you, you would have fought with me to keep him alive, but his time was up." I knew he was right; he even reminded me of the signs that showed I was preparing for his departure. The lord also showed me, a few days later, a vision of my Dad coming down a flight of stairs to greet me. He had a smile on his face and I was happy after that. Assured that he got home okay. Blessings!
There was much activity after that as family were called and everyone turned up. The funeral director people came and zipped him into a bag and left.
Later on, I became very angry with the Lord and didn't talk to him for 9 months. My friends were worried about me but I was stuck in this place where I couldn't understand why he didn't tell me he was about to take him home.
Please understand, he nearly died 7 years earlier. At the time, he was not saved. I wrestled with God through the night till he healed him completely and sent him home the following day. The lord granted him 7 more years.
After 9 months of not talking to the Lord. I asked him again. "Why did you not tell me you were taking him home?" I heard him very clearly say, "Angel, If I told you, you would have fought with me to keep him alive, but his time was up." I knew he was right; he even reminded me of the signs that showed I was preparing for his departure. The lord also showed me, a few days later, a vision of my Dad coming down a flight of stairs to greet me. He had a smile on his face and I was happy after that. Assured that he got home okay. Blessings!
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Thank you for sharing your story, Angelina. My dad's mouth was open too. I never saw a vision or anything, but I have no doubt where he went. I sometimes wonder why God didn't take him sooner and spare in the last 1-1/2 years of his life where he struggled. Maybe all the prayers that we prayed for him, while not healing him, kept him around longer than was best. I don't know. But I am thankful that when he did go, it was peaceful.
It's never a great time to lose a parent. But I think it's great that God gave your father 7 more years to come to know Him, and that you know he is in heaven now. We only see one side of death, but there's another side we don't get to see. Our dad's our healthy, happy, and whole forevermore.
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