Depressed

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Saint of Light

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Aug 22, 2023
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Nothing is going well right now, yet to say “right now” is an understatement because the second half of my life has been ruined. The misery of my existence is so bad that it has left me handicapped in every practical sense. I’m ruined, just completely ruined.

Where to start? I sit at home with nothing to do all day. No hobbies, no productive activities, no work—just pure idleness. I’m too emotionally depressed and stupid to do something even as simple as play a video game. My apathy is extreme, and there is an intangible sense of deadness inside.

I’m in my mid-thirties and still live with my parents, collecting monthly SSI checks. My parents aren’t going to live forever, so assuming my abysmal circumstances don’t change, it means I will eventually end up homeless and dead on the streets. God promised me things will get a lot better, and I believe him. But presently I feel so hopeless.

Until things do change, I could at least do something like go the gym and exercise to lose weight. I need to because I’m fat. But I have carpal tunnel syndrome, and it’s bad. The pain is so excruciating that doing small amounts of exercise will make it extremely more painful. There isn’t anything I can do about it because I’m on Medicaid, and there aren’t any hand surgeons anywhere remotely close to me that accept it, so I continue to suffer. The pain from carpel tunnel syndrome is so bad that it spread to my back, and now I have a pinched nerve because of it, so my posture looks terrible.

One time years ago, God gave me this device in my ear that stimulated parts of my prefrontal cortex, but I don’t have it anymore. The device helped me exceptionally. I could do normal things effortlessly, yet without it just the tiniest bits of effort are so painful. For example, I can’t even make my bed, and I barely ever bathe myself. Without God’s device I am such a basket case. That’s why I can’t do hobbies anymore like play video games.

God says I can’t have the device back until I lose weight and get my blood pressure down, since it’s elevated because I’m fat. A side effect of the brain device is that it raises blood pressure, so I could have a stroke. But how can I lose weight and exercise with all the horrible pain from carpel tunnel syndrome and the pinched nerve? Exercise just makes the pain so much worse, and there isn’t anything I can do about it right now.

Part of me fears that I’ll have to be euthanized if nothing changes. God did promise me that things will change and get a lot better, and again, I believe him. It’s just that there is an ominous feeling that things could go terribly wrong, and then I die from euthanasia. Please, I don’t want to die. I just want to be normal again and get started on life. I also don’t want to fear the prospect of being euthanized because I want to be convinced my life won’t be taken from me.
 

Cassandra

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Part of me fears that I’ll have to be euthanized if nothing changes. God did promise me that things will change and get a lot better, and again, I believe him. It’s just that there is an ominous feeling that things could go terribly wrong, and then I die from euthanasia. Please, I don’t want to die. I just want to be normal again and get started on life. I also don’t want to fear the prospect of being euthanized because I want to be convinced my life won’t be taken from me.
This is just not going to happen. Your mind is telling you that. We don't euthanize.
Sometimes God acts through human agents. It sounds like you are not functioning well. It might be a good idea for someone in your house, if you can't, to get a hold of a local mental health society. They may be able to put you in an adult day care type program. They probably have many things to help give you something to do as well as helping you care for yourself, even if it is within limits.

Do you have a caseworker? You or someone needs to tell them what is going on with you.


Here is a bit of information about Adult Day Care:

Care Choices​


Adult Day Care Programs provide a structured program of therapeutic, rehabilitative, social and leisure activities in a monitored setting. The programs offer supportive services to the participant, as well as to the family, by providing care and supervision in a protective environment during the day. Participants attend the program on a scheduled basis and services may include the following:

Medical Care
Supervision
Meals
Exercise

Recreation

Transportation

Physical Therapy

Health Screening

Socialization

Education

Respite Care

Evening Care

Counseling
 
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