difficult relationship

[kittehsareinsane]

NOTE: No there's no point in trying to talk to her, because she doesn't realize what she's doing; if I try addressing to her what she is doing, she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, and I know as wrong as she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong she's not going to change.

Unfortunately, the difficult relationship is with my mom. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. There wasn't any substance abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, no absentee parenting and I my parents weren't divorced. However, from a communication and emotional standpoint, it was completely dysfunctional; I know a large reason why she acts the way she does is she grew up in a dysfunctional family, and unless the cycle of dysfunction is broken, dysfunctional families are generational.

Below are the ways she acts (this is only in regards to me, from a parent-to-child point of reference).

She is a perfectionist, which means:

She is extremely critical
All-or-nothing (black-and-white) thinking
unrealistic and unreasonable expectations
extremely defensive

As stated previously, she grew up in a dysfunctional family. She never learned healthy ways of dealing with stress and conflict and how to handle difficult emotions; she pretty much was taught (via exposure from her parents) the worst possible ways of dealing with both of these things. On top of this she absolutely hates conflict

 

[Christ4Me]

Seems like the only option is prayer.

Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

When things are beyond my control and help, and it usually is, I give it to Him, confessing that this is beyond me so please help me get through this daily.

 

[kittehsareinsane]

I have no idea why but it cut off half my post, so I'll post the rest of my post.

Here is what she does:.
In many ways she is kind, loving, and selfless. However she's also very selfish, because in regards to me, she's very controlling and she's very selfish with conflict. With conflict, she basically tries to avoid it because it stresses her out and doesn't want to deal with it because it's not pleasant. I understand that most people Don't like conflict, and stresses them out but refusing to deal with conflict because it's not pleasant isn't the solution because there's no resolution.

 

[Christ4Me]

I have no idea why but it cut off half my post, so I'll post the rest of my post.

Here is what she does:.
In many ways she is kind, loving, and selfless. However she's also very selfish, because in regards to me, she's very controlling and she's very selfish with conflict. With conflict, she basically tries to avoid it because it stresses her out and doesn't want to deal with it because it's not pleasant. I understand that most people Don't like conflict, and stresses them out but refusing to deal with conflict because it's not pleasant isn't the solution because there's no resolution.

Well the situation is the same as you admitted that there is no talking to her. It may be that she cannot problem solve for why she avoids it. It is possible that she had tried before and it traumatized her into avoiding it altogether and she refuses to take that responsibility for her involvement again.

I am not sure what you hoped to solve with her, but pray and ask the Lord for His intervention not only in her life, but yours too.

 

[kittehsareinsane]

I don't expect to resolve anything with her. I see how dysfunctional the relationship is and the issues, but she doesn't. A relationship is a two way street and as long as she refuses to take accountability for the ways she causes issues and dysfunctionality in the relationship nothing is going to change. I don't think she's traumatized, she has lots of anxiety and overreacts about small things. We think completely differently with almost everything which is another reason we don't get along. She's also invalidating in the sense of if she doesn't agree with what I say she refuses to listen and shuts me out, this is also what she does with conflict. Yes she's kind loving and selfless in many ways but she's also very rude insensitive and selfish in many ways too, which she completely denies. She seems to think the ways she is kind loving and selfless completely negate the ways she's hurtful rude and selfish which I completely disagree with.

 

[Christ4Me]

I don't expect to resolve anything with her. I see how dysfunctional the relationship is and the issues, but she doesn't. A relationship is a two way street and as long as she refuses to take accountability for the ways she causes issues and dysfunctionality in the relationship nothing is going to change. I don't think she's traumatized, she has lots of anxiety and overreacts about small things. We think completely differently with almost everything which is another reason we don't get along. She's also invalidating in the sense of if she doesn't agree with what I say she refuses to listen and shuts me out, this is also what she does with conflict. Yes she's kind loving and selfless in many ways but she's also very rude insensitive and selfish in many ways too, which she completely denies. She seems to think the ways she is kind loving and selfless completely negate the ways she's hurtful rude and selfish which I completely disagree with.

You are a Christian and so pray for her and for yourself that Jesus will intervene and help you to love one another in bearing with each other faults.

Galatians 6:1Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. 2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

James 5:8 Be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh. 9 Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door. 10 Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience. 11 Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.

16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 

[dev553344]

NOTE: No there's no point in trying to talk to her, because she doesn't realize what she's doing; if I try addressing to her what she is doing, she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, and I know as wrong as she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong she's not going to change.

Unfortunately, the difficult relationship is with my mom. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. There wasn't any substance abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, no absentee parenting and I my parents weren't divorced. However, from a communication and emotional standpoint, it was completely dysfunctional; I know a large reason why she acts the way she does is she grew up in a dysfunctional family, and unless the cycle of dysfunction is broken, dysfunctional families are generational.

Below are the ways she acts (this is only in regards to me, from a parent-to-child point of reference).

She is a perfectionist, which means:

She is extremely critical
All-or-nothing (black-and-white) thinking
unrealistic and unreasonable expectations
extremely defensive

As stated previously, she grew up in a dysfunctional family. She never learned healthy ways of dealing with stress and conflict and how to handle difficult emotions; she pretty much was taught (via exposure from her parents) the worst possible ways of dealing with both of these things. On top of this she absolutely hates conflict

My father is the same way and he's not going to change. Change is rare. You should learn ways to better deal with the dysfunction instead of hating it.

 

[farouk]

Seems like the only option is prayer.

Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

When things are beyond my control and help, and it usually is, I give it to Him, confessing that this is beyond me so please help me get through this daily.

I love Philippians as an Epistle...

 

[Enoch111]

Unfortunately, the difficult relationship is with my mom.

So now that you have told us how "awful" your mom is, sit down and make a list of your own failures and deficiencies. Everyone is not a victim.

 

[Christ4Me]

I don't expect to resolve anything with her. I see how dysfunctional the relationship is and the issues, but she doesn't. A relationship is a two way street and as long as she refuses to take accountability for the ways she causes issues and dysfunctionality in the relationship nothing is going to change. I don't think she's traumatized, she has lots of anxiety and overreacts about small things. We think completely differently with almost everything which is another reason we don't get along. She's also invalidating in the sense of if she doesn't agree with what I say she refuses to listen and shuts me out, this is also what she does with conflict. Yes she's kind loving and selfless in many ways but she's also very rude insensitive and selfish in many ways too, which she completely denies. She seems to think the ways she is kind loving and selfless completely negate the ways she's hurtful rude and selfish which I completely disagree with.

How can we help you?

Be a listening ear?

To pray for you & for her?

Help you think of good things & dwell on that instead?

How can Jesus Christ help you?

 

[stunnedbygrace]

NOTE: No there's no point in trying to talk to her, because she doesn't realize what she's doing; if I try addressing to her what she is doing, she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, and I know as wrong as she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong she's not going to change.

Unfortunately, the difficult relationship is with my mom. I grew up in a dysfunctional family. There wasn't any substance abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, no absentee parenting and I my parents weren't divorced. However, from a communication and emotional standpoint, it was completely dysfunctional; I know a large reason why she acts the way she does is she grew up in a dysfunctional family, and unless the cycle of dysfunction is broken, dysfunctional families are generational.

Below are the ways she acts (this is only in regards to me, from a parent-to-child point of reference).

She is a perfectionist, which means:

She is extremely critical
All-or-nothing (black-and-white) thinking
unrealistic and unreasonable expectations
extremely defensive

As stated previously, she grew up in a dysfunctional family. She never learned healthy ways of dealing with stress and conflict and how to handle difficult emotions; she pretty much was taught (via exposure from her parents) the worst possible ways of dealing with both of these things. On top of this she absolutely hates conflict

We might be sisters as you have just described my mom. Psychologists call it passive aggression, narcissism, and probably other names as well. But narcissism and P-A are the fallen human condition and they are a sliding scale. We all fall somewhere on the scale, even if we fall on the very low end of it. But some people take it to truly dizzying heights.

You are right that trying to talk to her is useless.

I’m guessing here. Everything you say she makes into some sort of attack on her character? She demands some sort of perfection from you that even she cannot achieve? New rules are made on a whim, based on how she feels at any given moment, and then she is free to break the rules she makes but you aren’t? No matter how hard you try you can never do anything perfect enough to please her? If you don’t want to do something she is demanding you do, she makes your life so miserable that you eventually give in, hoping it will get her to just stop and leave you alone?

Two things helped me.
1. Seeing that it really wasn’t personal. You might get the brunt of her unrealistic and tyrannical demands because you are around her or the one who lives with her, but it’s not about you. It really isn’t.
2. Getting some tools for how to manage if you can’t cut her out of your life completely. There’s a woman on YouTube who helped me with some tools, including a strategy she calls “grey rock.” Her name is Lisa A. Romano. You might have to listen to 10 of her videos before you really begin to have the tools firmly seated in your mind but they really do help.

One of her videos talks about how she hyour mom) is living below the veil of full consciousness in a largely subconscious and never ending cycle of guilt, blame, shame while you are living above that veil in full consciousness, a “living out loud.”