I feel like Israel must have felt in this passage. It all seems so futile. I'm struggling to make any money for myself. January got me behind because sales were awful. As a result, my February rent didn't get totally paid until the end of February. So then, of course, March 1 rent came due, which I didn't have because February had to take care of Jan AND Feb.
Feb sales were normal, but now 1st week of March, almost no sales. And in addition to rent I have the required business insurance, alarm, sales and use tax, due.
I am struggling just to pay what everyone demands I must pay to them in order to be able to sell my work and wares. There is nothing left over for food, gas, car insurance, a needed dental procedure that medical insurance does not cover, etc.
I had a bad time yesterday. I sat and looked around my shop at all the beautiful furniture I had done and yet with no customers, it will just sit there forever. It all became too much for me and I had some sort of mental and emotional fit of exhaustion at the thought of what I could buy to eat that would stretch for days, and forget any worries about nutrition for now, just whatever cheap food I can buy and stretch.
I cried out to God. It was all crushing me and exhausting me. I felt like it was a sneaky design, like demanding Israelite slaves to make the same amount of bricks, but now having the added hardship of having to make them AND gather the straw to make them. It was designed to crush them with labor so they would stop thinking about worshiping God.
Actually, it wasn't a crying out to God so much as it was just...groaning because I didn't even know what to ask or pray.
It's a never-ending hamster wheel every month as I look at the little left over and try to buy food. I'm not in a panic exactly...its more just a groaning exhaustion at the everrepeating futility of it.
It's so strange to see people worrying over the stock market and a hit to their investments and savings when you are rationing your food and skipping meals to stretch it.
One of my thoughts yesterday was that only a very foolish person would insist on continuing to trust God for provision in the face of all this sudden lack, and yet, I do still trust Him.
Amid all the turmoil inside me yesterday, the strange darkness came again. It is difficult to explain. Its like a video I watched where a person found a fox with his head stuck in a box. The fox was panting from exhaustion and still running around in circles because he could not see where He was going. The odd darkness is like that. All light suddenly gone and traveling around in circles not even knowing what you are bumping into because you can't see anything. And the sudden thought that maybe you never HAVE seen any light but just imagined you did. The thought that maybe you only imagined God cared for you and provided for you when really you have been in darkness the whole time and just imagining wishful comforts.
This total darkness always comes right after seeing something vast and profound. First there comes a great restlessness for God, then comes something deep and profound, either individual and specific, or just a general and vast understanding, seeing, and light. Immediately after, comes total darkness, complete loss. There is nothing left except one thing, so you cling to that one thing because it is the only thing in that darkness with you. Faith. You have to be a fool to continue to grasp it and you have to be a fool to NOT continue to grasp it.
When the light returns, it always is brighter and more clear, even though currently I can't imagine even the previous light.
Feb sales were normal, but now 1st week of March, almost no sales. And in addition to rent I have the required business insurance, alarm, sales and use tax, due.
I am struggling just to pay what everyone demands I must pay to them in order to be able to sell my work and wares. There is nothing left over for food, gas, car insurance, a needed dental procedure that medical insurance does not cover, etc.
I had a bad time yesterday. I sat and looked around my shop at all the beautiful furniture I had done and yet with no customers, it will just sit there forever. It all became too much for me and I had some sort of mental and emotional fit of exhaustion at the thought of what I could buy to eat that would stretch for days, and forget any worries about nutrition for now, just whatever cheap food I can buy and stretch.
I cried out to God. It was all crushing me and exhausting me. I felt like it was a sneaky design, like demanding Israelite slaves to make the same amount of bricks, but now having the added hardship of having to make them AND gather the straw to make them. It was designed to crush them with labor so they would stop thinking about worshiping God.
Actually, it wasn't a crying out to God so much as it was just...groaning because I didn't even know what to ask or pray.
It's a never-ending hamster wheel every month as I look at the little left over and try to buy food. I'm not in a panic exactly...its more just a groaning exhaustion at the everrepeating futility of it.
It's so strange to see people worrying over the stock market and a hit to their investments and savings when you are rationing your food and skipping meals to stretch it.
One of my thoughts yesterday was that only a very foolish person would insist on continuing to trust God for provision in the face of all this sudden lack, and yet, I do still trust Him.
Amid all the turmoil inside me yesterday, the strange darkness came again. It is difficult to explain. Its like a video I watched where a person found a fox with his head stuck in a box. The fox was panting from exhaustion and still running around in circles because he could not see where He was going. The odd darkness is like that. All light suddenly gone and traveling around in circles not even knowing what you are bumping into because you can't see anything. And the sudden thought that maybe you never HAVE seen any light but just imagined you did. The thought that maybe you only imagined God cared for you and provided for you when really you have been in darkness the whole time and just imagining wishful comforts.
This total darkness always comes right after seeing something vast and profound. First there comes a great restlessness for God, then comes something deep and profound, either individual and specific, or just a general and vast understanding, seeing, and light. Immediately after, comes total darkness, complete loss. There is nothing left except one thing, so you cling to that one thing because it is the only thing in that darkness with you. Faith. You have to be a fool to continue to grasp it and you have to be a fool to NOT continue to grasp it.
When the light returns, it always is brighter and more clear, even though currently I can't imagine even the previous light.
