I've insisted on faith (trusting God) for long. But it was often a peevish or...fatalistic trust, like...what hard and mean things will He do to me today? But then I began to see some of the good that came to me through testing of my trust and I became braver in suffering. Who would not agree, or at least bear, what is in your own self interest? Still though, I moved back into and out of a peevish impatience again with some regularity. So I could remain in trust but with a great dislike for the testing He brought to me.
I guess I think...I had trust, but I did not have thankfulness because I don't like discomfort and turmoil inside. So I was more concerned over my comfort now than better things later than now.
At some point, I couldn't seem to go further. I lost hope because...I became weary. I guess I would say...I fainted often because it began to feel like I would remain in turmoil forever. So I began to hope, not in this life, but in the day that I could leave this life.
I think my mistake was not hoping NOW but...I just became too weary in waiting and began to lose hope for now.
Here is what I'm thinking now. Faith\trust overcomes the devil. Hope overcomes the flesh. Not that I have already overcome my flesh, but I have hope again.
But here's what I think brought me to hope now, again. I began to care about some brothers i met. I still don't understand or know how to love God without some self interest but I began to have some interest for the good of these brothers I met. I began to care for their good at least as much as for my own good. I began to pray and hope for them as much as I prayed for myself. So...me became we.
And recently, I came to believe that I had the strength to suffer more, and longer, if my suffering might bring some good for all of us. I guess it sounds strange, but they somehow made me less selfish by giving me a we. And...what I faint in for myself I'm not willing to faint in for them. I couldn't seem to lay down my life for my own good without fainting but I am willing to lay down my life for their good because...somehow...they have given me more strength.
It seems strange, but at the same time, it's like...well, or course it all makes sense now! It makes perfect sense even though I can't understand it...
I probably haven t explained myself well. Somehow, caring for them has given hope to me. Hope for now. I still don't understand dying for God, but I understand dying for them.
I guess I think...I had trust, but I did not have thankfulness because I don't like discomfort and turmoil inside. So I was more concerned over my comfort now than better things later than now.
At some point, I couldn't seem to go further. I lost hope because...I became weary. I guess I would say...I fainted often because it began to feel like I would remain in turmoil forever. So I began to hope, not in this life, but in the day that I could leave this life.
I think my mistake was not hoping NOW but...I just became too weary in waiting and began to lose hope for now.
Here is what I'm thinking now. Faith\trust overcomes the devil. Hope overcomes the flesh. Not that I have already overcome my flesh, but I have hope again.
But here's what I think brought me to hope now, again. I began to care about some brothers i met. I still don't understand or know how to love God without some self interest but I began to have some interest for the good of these brothers I met. I began to care for their good at least as much as for my own good. I began to pray and hope for them as much as I prayed for myself. So...me became we.
And recently, I came to believe that I had the strength to suffer more, and longer, if my suffering might bring some good for all of us. I guess it sounds strange, but they somehow made me less selfish by giving me a we. And...what I faint in for myself I'm not willing to faint in for them. I couldn't seem to lay down my life for my own good without fainting but I am willing to lay down my life for their good because...somehow...they have given me more strength.
It seems strange, but at the same time, it's like...well, or course it all makes sense now! It makes perfect sense even though I can't understand it...
I probably haven t explained myself well. Somehow, caring for them has given hope to me. Hope for now. I still don't understand dying for God, but I understand dying for them.