How Do You Handle Betrayal ?

[laid renard]

Hi, I am new here and for some reason it says that I can not post in the introduction section, so I thought I would just skip the intros and ask the question that is the reason I came to this forum in the first place.
Please excuse me if it is in the wrong section, but this seems to be the place.



Even though I have been a Christian since childhood, in some areas of my life, I still feel as if I am drinking milk. It's regarding my daughter. She is a young adult now, and is the love of my life. However I can not feel this intense sense of betrayal from her. I left her father when she was 6 months old when he confessed to me that he was a clinically diagnosed sociopath. He showed me his diagnosis paperwork, and his family even confirmed this to me.
Without going into a big long story, I will just say he then confessed to me alot of the things he had done in his past. Bad things. Evil things. He has even been under investigaion for murder which I feel in my spirit he commited. But being extremely intelligent, which is a characteristic of a sociopath, he covered his tracks well and got away with it. But loving him, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I even stayed throughout all the beatings and affairs, for when I love, I love hard. It wasn't until he tried to kill me, that I finally left him. God Himself intervened for that one, and saved my life. He even let me hear His beautiful loving voice during the rescue, and if anything good has come out of this all, it is that. And the birth of my daughter.

When I told my ex that I was pregnant, he wanted me to have an abortion. When I told him that was murder he said that it was my problem then, and that he wanted no part of it. In essence, he was calling our beautiful gift of life an "it" and a "problem."

But since I left him when our daughter was 6 months, what's the problem now you may ask. Well, we will always be connected cause I met him when my brother married his sister. We will always be connected somehow, someway, due to the fact that my, and his family can not stay out of the situation. I raised my daughter to have nothing to do with him, due to the rapes he bragged to me about, and the fact that he had a 6 year incestuous relationship with his half sister. The two tried to sell the baby for drug money, but law enforcement intervened.

But when my daughter was 18, both families arranged a meeting of the two. Got away with child support now didn't he? But that's only the hurt talking, for I don't care about money.

He worked his spells of charm on both families and my daughter, as is characteristic of a sociopath, someone who does not have the ability to distinguish good from evil, and convinced them that I am the liar in all situations. I am now the crazy person, and he came out scott free.

I trained up my daughter in the ways of the Lord. She use to act so sweet. Went to church, did much charity work, and was just such a joy. Now she has done drugs like him, and just in general has a hardened way about her, just like him. Day and night....

I hear his words in her mouth now when she talks to me. Such disrespect. And why not, in her eyes, I am now the enemy, and he, her cool daddy.

I saw a shrink on tv once say that all ties to sociopaths should be broken for they are just too far gone, and will only cause chaos in your life. I believe this as well. So did my daughter til she met him. I had to see a shrink in real life because of it all, who told me just the oppisite. That it would be good for her to know him, after all, he's her daddy....I stopped seeing that shrink.
Yeah, a good thing. Look at the outcome. Lies, deception, disrespect, running towards sin, and much, much disrespect towards me cause I loved her enough to discipline her, whereas he has introduced her to a life of hedonism. She even now thinks incest is a "beautiful thing" when before the very thought repulsed her. From angel to .........

My daughter and I still talk. By phone or email cause she lives in another state now, but I can not shake this feeling it is all out of a sense of duty, and that she is much happier spending time with the 2 families. Ones that I am no longer a part of. For I had to distance myself from them for the sake of my sanity.


But I will NEVER distance myself from my daughter. No matter how much she pulls away. Like the father and the prodigal son, I will always keep my eye out on the horizon for her.


My question is this.

How do I deal with the utter utter utter feelings of betryal ?

I mean from my daughter, for I don't care about the two faimilies anymore. It was time to wipe my feet and move on.

I just need to now how to deal with the feelings of betrayal from my daughter. She and God are the only ones I love. For I now have serious trust issues due to abuse from all involved. (I was the victim of incest as well from both my father and my mother.)

It hurts so bad.




If this topic is in the wrong section will a mod please move it ?


God Bless You All


Laid Renard ~

 

[Angelina]

Hi laid!
It is so nice to have you here. I cannot even imagine the personal hardships you must have endured during this dark time of your life. It is just unfathomable. :unsure: I get a sense that through it all, God has been the stabling influence, the anchor to your soul.

How do I deal with the utter utter utter feelings of betryal?

Your love for your daughter will enable you to get past this. Ask God to help you to forgive you for any negative feelings towards this situation and to help you to endure through it. Your daughter needs your prayers and that you are there when she needs someone to talk to. She has been deceived but she needs to make decisions for herself. Your input into her life through Christ will hold her in good stead. Trust God, your prodigal will return albeit a little worse for wear but she will...

BTW: God must have an awesome calling on your life sister...

praying....

 

[meshak]

Dear Laid,

Welcome to the forum. thank you for your testimony.

Please forgive me for being blunt. I urge you to come out of mainstream faith. They could not help you when you needed and still cannot help you. You have to rely on Jesus Himself, not your church's guidance which is so powerless in real life situation.

Your daughter and you are in a great mess because you did not rely on Jesus' teachings.

You will have confidence if you rely on Jesus and His Holy spirit power.

Please read Jesus' messages of the 4 gospels without preconceived notion of your church teachings and guidance. If you let Him teach you, you will know what to do with all your predicaments or difficulties.

Please dont waste your time with your church or shrinks' guidance. They already failed miserably to help you.

forgive me for reduncance.

May God bless you richly with His teachings and Holy Spirit's power.

Jesus' servant, meshak.


In addition,

I was in a great mess myself. I was helped when I decided to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I strived to obey all His teachings without compromising. Even though pastors and shrinks could not help me, His teachings made me helper of all my problems and headaches. Jesus says His yoke is easy, how true this word is. We have to let go of this life's burdens.

Being faithful to Jesus' teachings is the key to solve all our problems. Jesus teaches us how to handle anything.

Jesus is our Lord, sister, not any organization or denomination.

In Jesus' love, meshak.


I just added addition.

 

[aspen]

Now that you have read Meshak agenda, which has nothing to do with your situation, here is something for you to consider.

Your situation sounds extremely painful - know that you are not alone. Find other people in real life who can listen and provide encouragement. God is with you. Also, as painful as it is, this is not an issue of betrayal. Your daughter is living her life and exploring a relationship with her father - it has nothing to do with you.

Making this issue about you is going to magnify the fear (which will turn to bitterness) you feel for the dangerous path your daughter is on and damage a future relationship with her.

 

[meshak]

Now that you have read Meshak agenda, which has nothing to do with your situation, here is something for you to consider.

Your situation sounds extremely painful - know that you are not alone. Find other people in real life who can listen and provide encouragement. God is with you. Also, as painful as it is, this is not an issue of betrayal. Your daughter is living her life and exploring a relationship with her father - it has nothing to do with you.

Making this issue about you is going to magnify the fear (which will turn to bitterness) you feel for the dangerous path your daughter is on and damage a future relationship with her.

Please leave personal attack and just give her what you have to offer.

 

[laid renard]

Thank you all for your responses. First of all I have to say that there is a typo in my second paragraph. I typed :

However I can not feel this intense sense of betrayal from her.

　
I meant to type :

　
However I can not but feel this intense sense of betrayal from her.

　

That clarified, I wish to thank you Angelina for your encouraging words, and I do hope peace comes to my spirit soon.

　

meshak,

　
You said "Your daughter and you are in a great mess because you did not rely on Jesus' teachings"

　

How so ? I thought I was. But remember, even Jesus felt betrayed at one time.

　

aspen2, you said "Also, as painful as it is, this is not an issue of betrayal. Your daughter is living her life and exploring a relationship with her father - it has nothing to do with you."

I disagree. Her 'exploring a relationship with her father' came via betrayal of me. And has everything to do with me, otherwise there would not be the need to go behind my back and sneak around. Because she knows deep down that what she is doing is wrong towards me. Both he and she are very bold. It was just about their relationship with no aspect of me, it would be out in the open now wouldn't it ?


ps, how do you edit a post ?

I once again, made a typo.

I think it's because I have been ill with a lung infection for the past 2 weeks, and it's kinda hard to concentrate at the moment. Thank you for your patience and resposes.

Second paragraph should have said that I can not help but feel this sense of betrayal.

 

[aspen]

it is your choice if you want to personalize your daughters desire to have a relationship with her father. Seems to me that she was sneaking around because she did not want to hurt your feelings. Can you see that the threat of your negative feelings was an attempt to hold her hostage? She decided to risk it and now you are punishing her, but more directly, you are punishing yourself. Have faith in your daughter and let everyone off the hook

 

[laid renard]

aspen2

No, they are sneaking around cause it makes it more exciting for them, not cause they had to. They are two very bold people. They do not care if they hurt my feelings. The evidence of this is in the extreme rudeness from my daughter, and the beatings and affairs that came from my ex when we were together. I know him, we were married once apon a time. Believe me, my feelings are last on their list.
And how am I punishing her ? I have not withdrawn my love one iota, and do not push the issue with her.
And I have no one on a hook. A sociopath is man's label for this. But to God they are the ones He knows will never come to Him and so He has handed them over to Satan.
I want and pray for the scales to be removed from my daughter's eyes.
For my daughter, there is much love. For the ex, there is nothing. Indifference I guess. No negative feelings whatsoever.

 

[aspen]

i see. well it sounds like you already understand what is going on and how to handle it. i wish you well.

 

[laid renard]

Uhm, no. I understand the situation, but still am at a loss as to how to deal with the pain of betrayal.
There is a Christian book out called Betrayal. Guess I'll just have to try and pick it up somewhere.
Sometimes pain is inflected on someone, without any fault of the victim. Dems the breaks.

 

[HeRoseFromTheDead]

Uhm, no. I understand the situation, but still am at a loss as to how to deal with the pain of betrayal.
There is a Christian book out called Betrayal. Guess I'll just have to try and pick it up somewhere.
Sometimes pain is inflected on someone, without any fault of the victim. Dems the breaks.

I don't think any sense can be made of betrayal. It just hurts, and I think the only path out is to forgive. Try getting the book through an interlibrary loan at a library if they don't have a copy already.

 

[Episkopos]

Hi, I am new here and for some reason it says that I can not post in the introduction section, so I thought I would just skip the intros and ask the question that is the reason I came to this forum in the first place.
Please excuse me if it is in the wrong section, but this seems to be the place.



Even though I have been a Christian since childhood, in some areas of my life, I still feel as if I am drinking milk. It's regarding my daughter. She is a young adult now, and is the love of my life. However I can not feel this intense sense of betrayal from her. I left her father when she was 6 months old when he confessed to me that he was a clinically diagnosed sociopath. He showed me his diagnosis paperwork, and his family even confirmed this to me.
Without going into a big long story, I will just say he then confessed to me alot of the things he had done in his past. Bad things. Evil things. He has even been under investigaion for murder which I feel in my spirit he commited. But being extremely intelligent, which is a characteristic of a sociopath, he covered his tracks well and got away with it. But loving him, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I even stayed throughout all the beatings and affairs, for when I love, I love hard. It wasn't until he tried to kill me, that I finally left him. God Himself intervened for that one, and saved my life. He even let me hear His beautiful loving voice during the rescue, and if anything good has come out of this all, it is that. And the birth of my daughter.

When I told my ex that I was pregnant, he wanted me to have an abortion. When I told him that was murder he said that it was my problem then, and that he wanted no part of it. In essence, he was calling our beautiful gift of life an "it" and a "problem."

But since I left him when our daughter was 6 months, what's the problem now you may ask. Well, we will always be connected cause I met him when my brother married his sister. We will always be connected somehow, someway, due to the fact that my, and his family can not stay out of the situation. I raised my daughter to have nothing to do with him, due to the rapes he bragged to me about, and the fact that he had a 6 year incestuous relationship with his half sister. The two tried to sell the baby for drug money, but law enforcement intervened.

But when my daughter was 18, both families arranged a meeting of the two. Got away with child support now didn't he? But that's only the hurt talking, for I don't care about money.

He worked his spells of charm on both families and my daughter, as is characteristic of a sociopath, someone who does not have the ability to distinguish good from evil, and convinced them that I am the liar in all situations. I am now the crazy person, and he came out scott free.

I trained up my daughter in the ways of the Lord. She use to act so sweet. Went to church, did much charity work, and was just such a joy. Now she has done drugs like him, and just in general has a hardened way about her, just like him. Day and night....

I hear his words in her mouth now when she talks to me. Such disrespect. And why not, in her eyes, I am now the enemy, and he, her cool daddy.

I saw a shrink on tv once say that all ties to sociopaths should be broken for they are just too far gone, and will only cause chaos in your life. I believe this as well. So did my daughter til she met him. I had to see a shrink in real life because of it all, who told me just the oppisite. That it would be good for her to know him, after all, he's her daddy....I stopped seeing that shrink.
Yeah, a good thing. Look at the outcome. Lies, deception, disrespect, running towards sin, and much, much disrespect towards me cause I loved her enough to discipline her, whereas he has introduced her to a life of hedonism. She even now thinks incest is a "beautiful thing" when before the very thought repulsed her. From angel to .........

My daughter and I still talk. By phone or email cause she lives in another state now, but I can not shake this feeling it is all out of a sense of duty, and that she is much happier spending time with the 2 families. Ones that I am no longer a part of. For I had to distance myself from them for the sake of my sanity.


But I will NEVER distance myself from my daughter. No matter how much she pulls away. Like the father and the prodigal son, I will always keep my eye out on the horizon for her.


My question is this.

How do I deal with the utter utter utter feelings of betryal ?

I mean from my daughter, for I don't care about the two faimilies anymore. It was time to wipe my feet and move on.

I just need to now how to deal with the feelings of betrayal from my daughter. She and God are the only ones I love. For I now have serious trust issues due to abuse from all involved. (I was the victim of incest as well from both my father and my mother.)

It hurts so bad.




If this topic is in the wrong section will a mod please move it ?


God Bless You All


Laid Renard ~

I know you realize that God does not make us go through things that don't end up for our eternal benefit. The situation can seem to get completely out of hand but God sees the end. ALL things work together for the good for those who love Him. I say start rejoicing in what God is going to do in the situation. When you can rejoice in all things, then at least your part of the problem is solved.

God trains us to trust ONLY in Him. Step by step He leads us to deny our own lives and our own loves. He is trying to wean us from having anything for ourselves that is NOT directly from Him. It is not our desire that counts...but HIS! Let your daughter go...and rejoice in the Lord always.

You said yourself...you love hard!!!!! Maybe God is showing you to love ...but gently and in brokenness...away from your own self life. That is what he is showing us all. You are never alone in this!

Praying for you!

JF

 

[JB_Reformed Baptist]

On the basis you're a 'Disciple of Christ' I pen the following.

Betrayal, if indeed it's betrayal is best handled by going to God(Jesus) as he experienced and dealt with it according to his Fathers will. Draw deeply from the personal experience of Christ and draw close to him and he will draw nigh to you.

Seek understanding from God's perspective, as the father has ordained a particular road and set of test(s) and discipline and circumstances for each of his saints.

May God grant you HIS understanding in this. May you cry unto him for his succour and bow in humble adoration as he walks you through the seasons of life and fits you out for heaven.

 

[Hepzibah]

Hello Laid

Your post touched me deeply as I have some understanding of what you are going through.

My ex has psychopathic traits and our two sons chose to live with him despite his alcoholism, and became drug addicts themselves. He has manipulated them to see him as the victim and me the problem for being `too strict` that is to say, I believed in routine, obeying the law, and taking the children to church. Their father allowed them to do whatever they wanted. I was driven out of my home as the choice was either stay and be humiliated as he said he was seeking another woman and the marriage was over. Our sons did not do the right thing and say that it should have been him that left, and stood by while I had to go into a womans refuge as he physically threatened me. I have had little contact with one, and only emails from the other generally when he has asked for money.

So I understand betrayal.

What to do with the pain? I still carry it but a few things help. First of all, we share in the pain of betrayal that Jesus felt when His disciples abandoned Him. He knows the pain and He has promised to bind up the brokenhearted. He can take it away and we must trust Him that He will do so. It is actually helping me to talk to you as you know.

I advise you to continue to send birthday and Christmas gifts with a short word that you still love her. You must accept though that she might have inherited his personailty disorder. I think one of my sons has as he has no feelings for me nor sense of guilt. If so then you have lost her whatever happens. If not she will need you one day. Knowing how much you love her will stay with her.

My prayers are with you.
Brenda

 

[laid renard]

Hello Laid

Your post touched me deeply as I have some understanding of what you are going through.

My ex has psychopathic traits and our two sons chose to live with him despite his alcoholism, and became drug addicts themselves. He has manipulated them to see him as the victim and me the problem for being `too strict` that is to say, I believed in routine, obeying the law, and taking the children to church. Their father allowed them to do whatever they wanted. I was driven out of my home as the choice was either stay and be humiliated as he said he was seeking another woman and the marriage was over. Our sons did not do the right thing and say that it should have been him that left, and stood by while I had to go into a womans refuge as he physically threatened me. I have had little contact with one, and only emails from the other generally when he has asked for money.

So I understand betrayal.

What to do with the pain? I still carry it but a few things help. First of all, we share in the pain of betrayal that Jesus felt when His disciples abandoned Him. He knows the pain and He has promised to bind up the brokenhearted. He can take it away and we must trust Him that He will do so. It is actually helping me to talk to you as you know.

I advise you to continue to send birthday and Christmas gifts with a short word that you still love her. You must accept though that she might have inherited his personailty disorder. I think one of my sons has as he has no feelings for me nor sense of guilt. If so then you have lost her whatever happens. If not she will need you one day. Knowing how much you love her will stay with her.

My prayers are with you.
Brenda

Sorry for what you have gone through. I know it really hurts. And if there is ANYTHING I have learned from all of this is that "you must be careful with whom you mate, cause they will be half them."
Yes, I have thought on what Jesus went through. How Judas betrayed him and all he went through for us. But I feel sooo bad for saying this, but, I am not the Son Of God, I am not strong like him. It is really hard for me to handle betrayal cause it's all I've ever known, and my mind is starting to shut down from too much of it. First from my parents who would both abuse me sexually when they were suppose to be my nurturers, then my very first husband turns out to be a sociopath, now my only child seems to have turned her back on me.
Parents
Husband
Child

Betrayal

I don't trust anyone anymore.
I want to thank you for you letter, it was very nice to read We are to lift one another at times like these, not come on and point the finger back at them as some who are misguided are prone to do. Those kind of posts do absolutely nothing to help the situation.

I wanna thank you again for your response, and I will say a prayer for you as well.

What I need specifically is God's healing hand over this entire situation.

And justice. God's fair and righteous justice. For Him to come against the enemy in a powerful way.

IT IS TIME FOR THIS TO STOP !

IN THE HOLY NAME OF JESUS I PRAY

SATAN TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY OFFSPRING !

GO AND TAKE YOUR EVIL CHILD, MY EX WITH YOU SINCE HE RUNS TO YOU SO READILY, HE IS YOURS SO YOU KEEP HIM ! NEVER TO SHOW HIS FACE TO ME AND MINE EVER AGAIN !! LET HIM RUN ONLY WITH HIS KIND THE EVIL ONES FROM NOW ON ! BUT STAY AWAY FROM THE CHILDREN OF GOD !!! OR HE WILL HAVETHE WRATH OF ALMIGHTY GOD ON HIM !!! TIME FOR THIS MATTER TO BE DEALT WITH ONCE AND FOR ALL !!!!!! NO MORE TRAMPLING THE CHILD OF GOD ! NO MORE !! NO MORE !!!


IN THE HOLY HOLY HOLY NAME OF JESUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMEN

 

[THE Gypsy]

WOW! What a painful story. My heart breaks for you, Laid, and what you are going through.

There are a few things to consider...

You cannot control the actions, or relationships, of others. The ONLY actions/relationships you can control are your own.

I fully understand why you feel so hurt and betrayed and it is times like these that we need to pray for the strength to respond to those feelings as Jesus would have.

Love your child unconditionally and make every effort to not get between her and her father. This is not an easy thing to do but anything less will cause distance between the two of you and it doesn't sound to me like that's your desire. Just build YOUR relationship with her. If her father is this bad she will soon see through it.

Pray for God to remove the bitterness, hate and disgust you feel for the father of your child. Continuing to harbor all this will lead to the destruction of you.

Instead of praying for Satan to take control of him, which it sounds like he already has, why not ask God to break the bind that holds your ex so tight?

I cannot put into words the feelings I have about the situation God has allowed into your life but there IS victory over this IF you keep your mind focused on Christ alone.

 

[laid renard]

Hello gypsy. Thanx. But I think you have righteous anger confused with bitterness and negative emotions. Plus you said that I prayed for Satan to take control over him, I did not say that. He already has him. I was merely stating a fact. The major point of my last post was to do what needs to be done. To cast out evil from my life.
Also, I am letting my daughter make the biggest mistake of her life. And rather well I think.
The bible says you have not because you ask not. Well, I am asking God for justice and protection. Why does this seem to offend some so ???

Also, can anyone tell me how to edit ? I keep leaving entire words out of my sentences and would like to fix them. For instance, I meant to say in my last post, "Be careful with whom you mate for your children will be half them." Then I went and left the word children out. Sigh......

 

[HeRoseFromTheDead]

Also, can anyone tell me how to edit ? I keep leaving entire words out of my sentences and would like to fix them. For instance, I meant to say in my last post, "Be careful with whom you mate for your children will be half them." Then I went and left the word children out. Sigh......

You have about 10-15 minutes after you post to make edits. Look to the bottom right of your post and you will see 'Edit' between 'Report' and the 'MultiQuote' button. Click on 'Edit'.

 

[laid renard]

You have about 10-15 minutes after you post to make edits. Look to the bottom right of your post and you will see 'Edit' between 'Report' and the 'MultiQuote' button. Click on 'Edit'.

Thank you very much. From now on I will read what I just posted so I can check for errors.

 

[THE Gypsy]

Hello gypsy. Thanx. But I think you have righteous anger confused with bitterness and negative emotions. Plus you said that I prayed for Satan to take control over him, I did not say that. He already has him. I was merely stating a fact. The major point of my last post was to do what needs to be done. To cast out evil from my life.
Also, I am letting my daughter make the biggest mistake of her life. And rather well I think.
The bible says you have not because you ask not. Well, I am asking God for justice and protection. Why does this seem to offend some so ???

Also, can anyone tell me how to edit ? I keep leaving entire words out of my sentences and would like to fix them. For instance, I meant to say in my last post, "Be careful with whom you mate for your children will be half them." Then I went and left the word children out. Sigh......

Well, Laid...You've been given some sound advice in a few of the posts here. Ultimately though...It is your choice to stay in the muck or rise above it.