I know very well that I am probably going to be met with criticism, blame and insults for posting this but it is something I need to talk about. I am also well aware that this is mainly a Protestant board and I did post this on a Catholic site, but I felt it was worth asking this on a place that is open to everyone of all the different branches of Christianity.
Not too long ago I used to be a devote Catholic. I had a small altar in my bedroom and prayed the rosary every night while tired and standing on sore feet (I cannot kneel due to a knee injury). I always stood by God no matter what hurdles life threw at me. I have been through domestic abuse, poverty, self esteem issues, being unable to find a life partner, and seeing every single dream I ever had destroyed.
Everything continued to stack up and to add to my problems I have found myself unemployable and without work for almost two months now. One person who interviewed me outright told me that I would never find stable work because of my employment history, accusing me of job hopping. To make matters worse my closest family members got jobs at that same place and I have to be constantly reminded of it. That was it for me. I felt like God hated me and I couldn't feel comfortable being a Catholic anymore, worshiping a God who disliked me so much that He would make a total loser. If I can be completely honest, I feel like every bad thing that has happened to me and all the humiliation is because of what God thinks about me. I think He hates me so He gave me a terrible life with no chance of happiness.
So I sought shelter in Hinduism. I'm not new to Hinduism, I have loved its mythology since I was a kid and if I can be completely honest, it did wonders for me. Knowing that the body I possess is not the real me made me feel better about my situation and the hurtful things people have said about me over the years. Everyone was attacking my ego, but not my true spiritual self. Hinduism also offers me a chance to become a totally new person. I can change my name and the way I look. I didn't leave out of anger but because I genuinely don't think I can hold onto my faith anymore and no matter how hard I tried to remain Christian, the feeling that God hates me keeps pushing me away.
For the first time in my life the things that hurt me did not seem to matter, but there was one fatal flaw. There is no evidence for it while the life, crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus is an indisputable fact with evidence to back it up. There are also modern miracles and apparitions that back it up. No matter how good Hinduism makes me feel, I can't pretend that there was no resurrection of Jesus or that Mary doesn't appear on earth from time to time, especially when there are photographs and videos that record the apparitions. I also cannot deny the miracles of the Eucharist. Despite how hated God makes me feel, I kind of miss Catholicism. I felt empty when I was packing away my altar supplies and I couldn't help but feel warm when I remembered my nightly worship hours.
Right now I don't know what to do. I feel like my only options are going back to Catholicisms where I would worship a God who hates me, or becoming a Hindu and accepting things I do not believe in.
Not too long ago I used to be a devote Catholic. I had a small altar in my bedroom and prayed the rosary every night while tired and standing on sore feet (I cannot kneel due to a knee injury). I always stood by God no matter what hurdles life threw at me. I have been through domestic abuse, poverty, self esteem issues, being unable to find a life partner, and seeing every single dream I ever had destroyed.
Everything continued to stack up and to add to my problems I have found myself unemployable and without work for almost two months now. One person who interviewed me outright told me that I would never find stable work because of my employment history, accusing me of job hopping. To make matters worse my closest family members got jobs at that same place and I have to be constantly reminded of it. That was it for me. I felt like God hated me and I couldn't feel comfortable being a Catholic anymore, worshiping a God who disliked me so much that He would make a total loser. If I can be completely honest, I feel like every bad thing that has happened to me and all the humiliation is because of what God thinks about me. I think He hates me so He gave me a terrible life with no chance of happiness.
So I sought shelter in Hinduism. I'm not new to Hinduism, I have loved its mythology since I was a kid and if I can be completely honest, it did wonders for me. Knowing that the body I possess is not the real me made me feel better about my situation and the hurtful things people have said about me over the years. Everyone was attacking my ego, but not my true spiritual self. Hinduism also offers me a chance to become a totally new person. I can change my name and the way I look. I didn't leave out of anger but because I genuinely don't think I can hold onto my faith anymore and no matter how hard I tried to remain Christian, the feeling that God hates me keeps pushing me away.
For the first time in my life the things that hurt me did not seem to matter, but there was one fatal flaw. There is no evidence for it while the life, crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus is an indisputable fact with evidence to back it up. There are also modern miracles and apparitions that back it up. No matter how good Hinduism makes me feel, I can't pretend that there was no resurrection of Jesus or that Mary doesn't appear on earth from time to time, especially when there are photographs and videos that record the apparitions. I also cannot deny the miracles of the Eucharist. Despite how hated God makes me feel, I kind of miss Catholicism. I felt empty when I was packing away my altar supplies and I couldn't help but feel warm when I remembered my nightly worship hours.
Right now I don't know what to do. I feel like my only options are going back to Catholicisms where I would worship a God who hates me, or becoming a Hindu and accepting things I do not believe in.
