Introduction to the ABCs of REBT
(Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy)
A PDF version of this article is available here:
ABC Crash Course
If you get some paper and a pencil to use while you read this,
you can learn this technique in 10 minutes.
The ABCs are an exercise from REBT, which is a form of cognitive therapy that is simple enough and effective enough to be used by anybody and — it works. You can learn to do this straight out of a book, or off the computer screen. We use it to examine the beliefs we have (or the thinking we are doing) as some of this may be causing us problems. The ABCs are an exercise that help stop you from being victimized by your own thinking.
A common example is the issue of someone else’s behavior “making you angry”. This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of “someone making me angry” is to say that you feel angry about their behavior. They are not making you anything — they are simply behaving in a way that you are getting angry about. You notice their behavior and then become angry. The responsibility for the anger is yours, not theirs. This can sound strange at first, but when dealing with problematic anger and frustration this is the way it works.
REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get all worked up about someone else’s behavior. The anger is based on a faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way you want them to.
If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is not necessarily what they DO do, right?
This is a very important element of the equation — reality. They do what they do, and then you automatically get angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while — possibly very upset. It’s like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says “Push here to aggravate”. Is this a useful response for you to others’ behavior? Probably not.
Since they are very likely going to do that (whatever it is) anyway, it seems, then it would make life a great deal easier if you didn’t get angry about it and lose your peace of mind. This is what REBT can accomplish, in many such situations. The missing part of the puzzle, and the part that is the really crucial part, is what YOU THINK about what they do.
For example, if you really believe that they MUST NOT do whatever they are doing, and then they still continue to do it, then the DEMAND that you have inside your head that says; “they MUST NOT do that” will put considerable pressure on you from the inside to do something about it, which you very often may be unable to do. Often, it just isn’t possible to control other peoples’ behavior. So this will automatically make you feel bad; frustrated, ineffective, angry, desperate, hurt, enraged, and so on because you cannot translate the DEMAND “they MUST NOT do that” into reality. Most external phenomena simply cannot be controlled.
The problem is that you are DEMANDING something that you simply cannot get!
It is better for your peace of mind to simply PREFER to get what you want than DEMAND it.
How much easier it is if you are aware of this and make a choice to change the DEMAND “they MUST NOT do that” into a more rational alternative, which actually means something; “I PREFER that they don’t do that”. Once the DEMAND is downgraded to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is turned down and you can function again. After all, it’s now only a preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help make this adjustment, called “the ABCs”. It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better about it. This doesn’t mean that we should never try to change external reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it’s when it isn’t an appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead in order to feel better.
To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation where someone’s behavior is “making you angry” and take a look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE. It is irrational to demand that people behave in the exact way you want them to! Here is an example using drunken people making a lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.
A. (Activating situation)
Drunk people outside, making some noise.
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They MUSTN’T make any noise.
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A)
When noisy drunken people pass in the street outside late at night and wake me up I feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset and don’t get back to sleep for a long time.
D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers)
WHY shouldn’t they make any noise — where is that commandment written in stone? Well, it isn’t.
E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B)
Drunken people often tend to be noisy, but it’s no big deal. It is very common that they make some noise on their way home. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this, and I will stop even noticing it because it is not a problem for me. When this happens I will say “Ah, the drunk people who pass in the night” (taking care to spell it right) and go back to sleep.
(Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy)
A PDF version of this article is available here:ABC Crash Course
If you get some paper and a pencil to use while you read this,
you can learn this technique in 10 minutes.
The ABCs are an exercise from REBT, which is a form of cognitive therapy that is simple enough and effective enough to be used by anybody and — it works. You can learn to do this straight out of a book, or off the computer screen. We use it to examine the beliefs we have (or the thinking we are doing) as some of this may be causing us problems. The ABCs are an exercise that help stop you from being victimized by your own thinking.
A common example is the issue of someone else’s behavior “making you angry”. This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of “someone making me angry” is to say that you feel angry about their behavior. They are not making you anything — they are simply behaving in a way that you are getting angry about. You notice their behavior and then become angry. The responsibility for the anger is yours, not theirs. This can sound strange at first, but when dealing with problematic anger and frustration this is the way it works.
REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get all worked up about someone else’s behavior. The anger is based on a faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way you want them to.
If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is not necessarily what they DO do, right?
This is a very important element of the equation — reality. They do what they do, and then you automatically get angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while — possibly very upset. It’s like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says “Push here to aggravate”. Is this a useful response for you to others’ behavior? Probably not.
Since they are very likely going to do that (whatever it is) anyway, it seems, then it would make life a great deal easier if you didn’t get angry about it and lose your peace of mind. This is what REBT can accomplish, in many such situations. The missing part of the puzzle, and the part that is the really crucial part, is what YOU THINK about what they do.
For example, if you really believe that they MUST NOT do whatever they are doing, and then they still continue to do it, then the DEMAND that you have inside your head that says; “they MUST NOT do that” will put considerable pressure on you from the inside to do something about it, which you very often may be unable to do. Often, it just isn’t possible to control other peoples’ behavior. So this will automatically make you feel bad; frustrated, ineffective, angry, desperate, hurt, enraged, and so on because you cannot translate the DEMAND “they MUST NOT do that” into reality. Most external phenomena simply cannot be controlled.
The problem is that you are DEMANDING something that you simply cannot get!
It is better for your peace of mind to simply PREFER to get what you want than DEMAND it.
How much easier it is if you are aware of this and make a choice to change the DEMAND “they MUST NOT do that” into a more rational alternative, which actually means something; “I PREFER that they don’t do that”. Once the DEMAND is downgraded to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is turned down and you can function again. After all, it’s now only a preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help make this adjustment, called “the ABCs”. It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better about it. This doesn’t mean that we should never try to change external reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it’s when it isn’t an appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead in order to feel better.
To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation where someone’s behavior is “making you angry” and take a look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE. It is irrational to demand that people behave in the exact way you want them to! Here is an example using drunken people making a lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.
A. (Activating situation)
Drunk people outside, making some noise.
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They MUSTN’T make any noise.
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A)
When noisy drunken people pass in the street outside late at night and wake me up I feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset and don’t get back to sleep for a long time.
D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers)
WHY shouldn’t they make any noise — where is that commandment written in stone? Well, it isn’t.
E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B)
Drunken people often tend to be noisy, but it’s no big deal. It is very common that they make some noise on their way home. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this, and I will stop even noticing it because it is not a problem for me. When this happens I will say “Ah, the drunk people who pass in the night” (taking care to spell it right) and go back to sleep.
