I've shared before some of my journey. For 12 Years I have been free from skitzaffective disorder. I thought it was over and that was it, but it was not. It came back full force. I know the secular world makes fun of Christians that sense we pray then we must be skitz. Growing up I have never had this disorder. I know that when I prayed it was not skitz. God never answered back with a voice like yours and mind. So there is that. However, now I have this disorder and people say things like demons can not hear one's thoughts, but that is the farthest from truth. Please pray for me. Even as I write it is difficult because of pstd. Last night I went to bed early because I was being tormented. I get disorderinented and can fall because my whole body goes limp. I can't make decisions I just lay there and pray and the dialog gets rough. It tells me it hates me. It responds to all my thoughts. I can barely breathe. I shake. I'm sensitive. My heart races. I curl up in a ball sweating. Trying to conyrol my breathing. know it seems ridiculous, but it isn't. I pray scripture. I I've with my parents. I've been on different medications. Take this. Try this. What I use to take no longer works. It's hard to even concentrate to write this. I went 100+ days with no problems then all of a sudden it came back. I really need a miracle. I can not speak hardly enough about the miracle of sleep
Eventually your body gives. It's hard getting dressed or so anything during these attacks. Even going to the bathroom is difficult. It's hard to talk to me during these episodes. It has just gotten worse. I feel so good getting this off my chest. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit me. I need to buy more, but I'm afraid if it will happen again. It makes my eyes go up and down with out my permission. I have to wear glasses now because of side effects. My weight is going crazy. 109-125-135. My doctor said I need protein and muscle. I have a hard time working out. I take protein shakes ect. I just check out. When I see movies that make fun of mental health it really bothers me. Makes me feel awkward rejected. Sometimes like i am a threat. I've been to the psyc ward and people there can be scary. I'm better at home. I have what I need at home. I'm turning 42 and I am single of course. I wish I was married so I can be held. Physical touch and words of affirmation are my love languages. I miss being around people my age. Going to youth group when I was in high-school. I need to be around people my age. It felt great to be around people my age at the psyc ward, but only certain people. Not the ones that are threats. Then reality hits in that I don't want to be around these people. I'm not supposed to stay there. Sometimes I start eating dinner and I have to quit to go lay down. can't even finish eating until later. I can use all the prayers I can get. Worship music is so important. Don't tell me music is all the same abd doesn't effect us. It has saved me so many times, but even that is not enough for me, but I keep listening. It says Gid wills it. God Damed me. But I hold on to Jeremiah 29:11-15 and Joel 2:32. I'm sinking guys. Please help me.
Eventually your body gives. It's hard getting dressed or so anything during these attacks. Even going to the bathroom is difficult. It's hard to talk to me during these episodes. It has just gotten worse. I feel so good getting this off my chest. I have 1 pair of jeans that fit me. I need to buy more, but I'm afraid if it will happen again. It makes my eyes go up and down with out my permission. I have to wear glasses now because of side effects. My weight is going crazy. 109-125-135. My doctor said I need protein and muscle. I have a hard time working out. I take protein shakes ect. I just check out. When I see movies that make fun of mental health it really bothers me. Makes me feel awkward rejected. Sometimes like i am a threat. I've been to the psyc ward and people there can be scary. I'm better at home. I have what I need at home. I'm turning 42 and I am single of course. I wish I was married so I can be held. Physical touch and words of affirmation are my love languages. I miss being around people my age. Going to youth group when I was in high-school. I need to be around people my age. It felt great to be around people my age at the psyc ward, but only certain people. Not the ones that are threats. Then reality hits in that I don't want to be around these people. I'm not supposed to stay there. Sometimes I start eating dinner and I have to quit to go lay down. can't even finish eating until later. I can use all the prayers I can get. Worship music is so important. Don't tell me music is all the same abd doesn't effect us. It has saved me so many times, but even that is not enough for me, but I keep listening. It says Gid wills it. God Damed me. But I hold on to Jeremiah 29:11-15 and Joel 2:32. I'm sinking guys. Please help me.
