My recovery and knowing God

[Himself]

I used to wrestle with the concept of God and the Bible in my head, well for at least 5 years. I had a weird panic attack, and later went down crazy trips of what I thought was enlightenment. It’s really a long story. But I came to the conclusion that God was real during that time, though I was a rebel angel. (The devil convinced me of this). Look, I had some strange theories on God, and that made me neglect the truth that Jesus is for all. Anyway, I had been despising and looking down on the notion of loving a God that you HAVE to believe in to get to heaven. It was like OCD. I won’t go quite into more detail, but I was indeed “wrestling with God”.. I believed my mind was not in my control too, I was a mess. Now, what I’m about to say I did is true, and so is the fact that I have been much better ever since. I was in such agony many times that I continued to ask for help because I had no choice. I “prayed” to Christ and decided to “accept” him. Infact I was already convinced I knew God was real, but I was continuously being tempted by Satan to reject Christ in my heart. So instead of running anymore, I finally decided to embrace the idea I hated but believed, once and for all. This ended my misery completely and still has, so what? The fact for me was that accepting Christ was accepting myself. I forgave myself for who I was and what I believe in.. I thank Christ.