Saying hello from Oregon with anxiety

[Firedancer4]

Hi everyone. I just joined today, and I think you guys are just what I need.I don't really even know where to start, but I need some prayer. I'm going through a really, really tough season in my life. It's going on year four now of this tough season. I'm seeing the edge of the horizon, and I think it's beautiful, but I'm not there yet. And still, it feels like what's between me and that horizon is more thick, dark, murky swamp.God has done some major healing in me for the last four years - healing that cover years and years of wounds and deep pain. It's been unbearable, yet somehow I've kept afloat; and somehow my family (husband and two young daughters) have kept loving me. But this is difficult for them, too.I don't even know what prayer to ask for. I want God to deliver me from this completely. I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and the anxiety of this disorder is ripping me apart. Before the PTSD started, I had peace. I was patient. I let stressful things roll off of me. I found ways to laugh when things went horribly wrong. That's the thing..... I laughed. To be completely honest - the only time I laugh it seems is when I have a strong drink. It's hard to write that; to be that honest about that with people I don't even know. My eyes are welling up as I do because it seems this pain I'm working through has made me into someone I'm not. It may be part of healing, but it cuts like a knife. I don't to drink to feel joy. I want God to be my joy.My husband wonders where the happy, positive, outgoing, vibrant woman is that he married - the one who fished with him and went places with him and was strong and tough and energetic and loved life.For the last four years I have been swimming at the bottom of the murkiest depths you can imagine. We're coping through this together now, and he has hope that things are going to be even better than they were before; and so do I. God has been changing my heart drastically through this, and is doing a mighty work in me - I just know it. I can feel it. I know He's a part of this. And He's brought me closer to Him than I've been in a long, long time.But I want to be done!!! I just hate this anxiety. And it's not a "stress" thing where you go into another room and take a time-out, or do breathing exercises to relieve it. It's always in my chest. It's there all the time - I've just learned how to maintain it. Yet - like this morning - the smallest cluster of events can aggravate it in such a way that I become out of control. Not outwardly - I manage to keep it inside. Outwardly, you can see I'm struggling to breath, and I get lightheaded. Inwardly, I'm screaming. And when the family leaves and I'm alone, sometimes I do just that. I want the peace of God. I want the peace I remember.I'm in total turmoil right now. It's nothing new....and I go up and down with coping with this. But today....right now....I just really want it to be over. I want God's blessings in my life. I want peace. I want the serenity I remember. I want JOY JOY JOY JOY JOY!!!! I don't even remember what that feels like!!!! I want to LIVE life - not survive it!And now I feel I need to apologize - what an overwhelming email from someone totally new to this forum. I don't even know if it's acceptable, but my heart's been dying to scream it out. I'm just tired....and I just needed a place to be able to say that.I hope it's acceptable....

 

[Christina]

Hello firedancer4 please don't apoligize I'm glad you got that out I and others on this site have experienced simular things. I hope you find this site what you need We have a private section you can use just to speak with staff if you like.You can also send a Private Message by clicking on a persons name and click send private message.All questions you ask we try to answer.It was very brave to lay yourself on the line as you did in your post.Welcome to CB and may God blesskriss

 

[HammerStone]

No need to apologize at all. We all have our stuggles and we all have our demons with some having troubles worse than others. Despite all that has gone on, you're really one of the blessed ones to have turned to the right one when it counted the most! CB's here for you and we've already had a bit of a chat through Private Message finding some common ground. Hang in there! May God Bless!

 

[Broken Crusader]

Firedancer4,In Matthew: 5, 3, Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven ."He hears our prayers when we are broken. Jesus will comfort you.I have eperienced a lot of what you describe, and it is only when I prayed just like you have in this post that He came to my rescue. He will come to yours.I will include you in my prayers. Amen.

 

[Firedancer4]

Thank you all for your encouragement and acceptance. At times it sure feels like we're alone in our struggles. It's good to be reminded that's not true. Thanks for praying for me....all of you. Sometimes I pray and it doesn't feel like God responds. That's when it's tough. I often wish there was a magic switch to just bring the peace, you know? I know it doesn't really work that way, and that's where faith comes in. Trusting in the great promises of God. Continuing to move forward even when you don't "feel" Him near. Reading scripture, prayer, believing.... It's just hard when you're desperate for change.I'm glad to be here. Just knowing there are others here, allowing me be who I am....wherever I am in this journey.Thanks guys.

 

[betchevy]

Dear Sister,I AM PRAYING FOR YOU ..Sometimes God puts us in a desert so we can learn to rely on Him for everything... I have been right where you are also...Did you ever hear the old song Count Your Blessings?... I have used that premise to help bring me out of that dark place it seems you are in. I can count some blessings you have from here. A husband sho loves and cares about what you are going through, kids who are a blessing from God and alone time, what is that, lol, I'd count that twice.( just Kidding) Anyways if you are telling God how thankful you are for the good things you have.. the bad stuff just doesn't get the spotlight...Thought it might be a tool to help.Please know you can email me any time... I 'd love to be here for you ..an ear and a shoulder. Welcome to the forum and I hope you find as much love and support here as I have.Your sister in Christ,Betchevy