Science-Thanks for the nukes, now go away

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CrazedCatholic

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Apr 6, 2013
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Reality has a well-known liberal bias. And who can you depend on to kowtow to reality
like it's the only game in town? Scientists. They do it religiously. With their fanatical
devotion, scientists are no better than cult members-only difference is they put their blind
faith in empirical observation instead of in a drifer who marries 14-year-olds and decalres
himself the reincarnation of Ramses II.

Now, I have nothing against obeservation per se. Looking at things is one of my great
talents. In fact, as vice president of my Neighborhood Crime Watch, I personally
witnessed a young couple attempt to paint their house a color not approved by the Home
Owners' Association. Thanks to my observation, and flier campaign, their gracious home
is now a beautiful Mannered Taupe.

But scientists use observation in a different way:to draw conclusions about the way reality
works. They look at the world and ask questions about it. Only problem, we weren't put
on this planet to question our environment, we were put here to process it into fuel for our
cars.

You see, like a load of dirty laundry spontaneously generates rats, questions
spontaneously generate data and facts.

Just take a look at history. Over the centuries, scientific evidence has vicously attacked
the status quo. There’s a reason why we have a status quo: It ensures that the status of our
lives is is consistent so we can meet our quotas. When the 18th century scientist Edward
Jenner discovered that parents could protect their children from smallpox with a vaccine,
it may have saved a few thousand lives, but it also destroyed the magic amulet industry.

Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our
collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from
the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.”I guess that means
scientists literally thing our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!

Well, I’m not flushing and neither should you! In the last few centuries science has made
some great strides in our understanding of the world, but it’s time we turn back the clock.
Speaking of clocks, how about we stop letting the earth’s rotation dictate what time it is?
I say it’s morning in America!

When it comes to understanding the universe, the Beaker Brigade won’t shut up about its
method of inquiry, The Scientific Method.

This process consists of several basic steps, including but not limited to-I’m sorry, I
blacked out there. Suffice to say, there are a bunch of steps. Put on a pot of coffee. This
might take a while.

Step 1: Observation: “Mankind has a pretty nice relationship with God.”

Step 2: Hypothesis: “I bet people would start to doubt the existance of God if I claimed
that the Earth revolves around the Sun, instead of the other way around like the Bible
says.”

Step 3: Experiment: “I will publish my heretical beliefs and see how the Church reacts.”

Step 4: Conclusion: “I recant! Please stop torturing me!”

It’s natural ot be curious about our world, but the scientific method is just one theory
about how to best understand it. We live in a democracy, which means that we should
treat every theory equally.

So here’s an alternative two-step method for understanding the universe.

Step 1: Remember: Six thousand years ago, God created the Heavans and the Earth.

Step 2: Repeat as neccessary.

Isn’t that a whole lot easier than analyzing electromagnetic background for evidence of
some “Big Bang” fourteen billion years ago? Fourteen billion is a pretty big number, and
God didn’t create us so we could waste time trying to picture fourteen billion cupcakes
(DON’T TRY THIS!)

That about covers science, but what about the folks who practice this crackpot doctrine? I
spend a lot of time with scientists and I can honestly say that despite appearances, most of
them are decent, well-intentioned people. They’re just dangerously deluded. It’s easy to
see how they get sucked in. They’re physically awkward and lonely, so they spent their
adolescence down by the creek studying the creatures that live there. “I may be ridiculed
at school,” they think, “but a crayfish would never judge me”

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to
scientists-they’d probably implant it into a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be
practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and
savvy? It would be a threat to all of hummanity.

Moving on though, science is elitist. Making rules, setting boundaries, constantly telling
us what is and isn’t flammable-all without input from the very people who are expected
to abide by those laws. I know I never consented to Gravity Without Representation.

So who gave some lab-coated pipette wielder permission to act like he knows more than I
do about mitochondria, just because he spent twenty years of his life studying them in a
laboratory? PhDs and 300-page disserations don’t make his opinion any more valid. I
happen to have some mitochondria myself, and I can tell you that mine don’t take their
marching orders from Cal Tech.

Furthermore, why should I care that four out of five dentists recommend Crest? What
qualifies some flouride-pusher to call the shots when it comes to my oral hygiene? A
diploma from Dental Camp?

The point is, no one is more qualified to tell me what the world means to me, than me.
And don’t think your any different: No one is more qualified to tell you what the world
means to you than me.

So I’ve prepared an itemized and exhaustive lists of my thoughts on various sciences.
You won’t find these opinions in any textbook unless it happens to be one I’ve defaced.

Aerospace-Aerospace is the science of making planes go faster. Here’s my problem with
it: I always fly First Class. Why would I want the trip over sooner?

Alchemy-There are some amazing things that people have simply given up on: radio
dramas, elevator operators, and the transformation of lead into gold. I don’t understand it.
Nobody needs lead anymore except X-Ray technicians. Why aren’t we turning more of it
into gold? We must make this a priority. Think of the benefits to society. One
example-Run down tenements in America are full of lead-based paint. With a little
alchemy, not only will those homes no longer be health hazards, they will be gorgeous.

Astronomy-This science became obsolete as soon as they named all the constellations.
These days all astronomers do is sit around reclassifying Pluto and faking moon landings.
We need mabye two of them to keep an eye on the black hole at the center of the galaxy;
let the rest go

Botany-This is actually a very hot science. You think that, since it’s all about flowers, it’s
literally a pansy science. But botany isn’t just flowers-it’s mostly about breeding and
crossbreeding flowers. That’s right-flower sex. Graphic stamen-on-pisitil action. This is
the hardcore birds-and-bees stuff. I will tell you this:If you meet a botanist in a bar,
chances are she is ready to go. Botany? More like hotany.

Cloning-Cloning has got to be the dumbest idea in history. Have scientists never watched
a single movie in their lives? Clones live to do one of three things: replace us so that no
one notices except our girlfriend whose suspicions are slowly aroused, until she becomes
a target in the clone’s deadly game; rebel against us, demanding equal rights; or attack us,
like in Attack of the Clones, which I didn’t actually see. No free labor source is worth all
of this trouble.

DNA-There are some who claim that DNA is an instuction manual for all living cells. But
if IKEA has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t need instructions. My coffee table works
just fine, provided I remember to attach the counterweights. But the nerd patrollers claim
that hereditary traits are determined by genes on the DNA. Well I don’t buy it. God and
cosmetic surgery determine what I look like, not some no-good nucleotides linked
together in a ladder-like shape twisted into a spiral. Just one more reason I don’t trust
ladders. If God wanted me to reach somthing, he would’ve given me Go-Go Gadget arms.

Evolution-To put it simply, evoltution is an affront to God. Anyone who beleives in it
will burn in etenral hellfire, probably while being prodded by flaming chimpanzees with
razor-sharp bannanas. Evolutionist’s main claim is that one day we decided to stop being
monkeys and turned ourselves into humans. Well, if that’s true, why aren’t more monkeys
escaping from zoos? Think about it. They could turn into humans, then disguise
themselves as janitors and walk out of their cages. But I guess evolution doesn’t have an
answer for that one. The main perpetrator of this monkey lie is Charles Darwin. He wrote
all about it in his 1859 book “The Origin of Species.” He claimed to have developed this
“theory” after studying “finches” on the Galapagos “Islands,” but I can guess why he
really came up with it. He was on the Galapagos Islands for Spring Break, got smashed,
woke up in bed next to a monkey, and then had to come up with a theory that made it all
okay.

Fahrenheit-I used to be pro-Fahrenhiet. After all, it’s the American way of measuring
heat. That is, until I learned it was named after some Dutch guy. Sorry, but I don’t want
my thermometer taking orders from some Amsterdam stoner who got bonged out of his
mind one night and started messing around with mercury.

Herpetology-The study of reptiles. Affects one out of six Americans.

Geology-The last thing I need is a bunch of dust-covered fossil sweepers telling me the
Eath is four billion years old. “Carbon dating?” Just palm reading for rocks. That said,
geodes are pretty.

Ichthyology-I have never been able to get beyond the basic contradiction of ichthyology:
It is the study of fish. Yet the science starts with “Ick,” which is a form of scale rot that
killed my black mollies. Killing fish is not what I call science. It’s what I call fishing.

Kites-See “Magic” below

Liposuction-Science has knocked this one out of the park. Throughout human history, we
have dreamed of reaching the rich fat deposits locked tantalizingly beneath our skin. Now
with a scalpel, a plastic tube, and a household vacumm cleaner ( I recommend the Orick
8lb. upright), that bounty is finally ours. Industrial lubircant, artifical fattener-the
applications are endless. This is a science I can get behind. Plus it makes the ladies easier
to get behind, if you know what I’m saying.

Magic-My all-time favorite kind of science. It’s mystical, and you never know what’s
going to happen next. A physicist will tell you, “It’s impossible for that rabbit to be
transported across that room into that hat.” But a magic scientist will get it done. The only
problem I have with magic scientists is that they are not as forthcoming with information
as some other scientists. If you met a chemist in a bar, you can’t get him to shut up about
how to make different compunds out of common cleaning agents under your sink. Magic
also has a much more practical application than the other sciences. I saw a magic scientist
make an airplane disappear on TV. If we can move enough of those scientists onto the
battlefield, imagine our army’s easy victories as each enemy pilot sits on the ground,
blinking in suprise that there’s no plane around him anymore!

Nephrology-The study of kidneys. Kidneys! What will they think of next?

Orthinology-I can’t see why you’d bother studying birds generally when we still don’t
know everything there is to know about eagles. What I do care about the mating habbits
of a sparrow, or the neurological impulses underlying catbird sub-song development?
One dive, and an eagle could turn those warblers into a could of feathery mulch. I say
let’s put orthinology on hold until we have the technology to communicate with eagles, so
we can convince them to pull around the sky in air-sleds.

Oceanography-I’ve never trusted the sea. What’s it hiding under there? I fully support this
science, not only to figure out what’s down there, but to develop weapons to destroy it
before it destroys us. Think I’m crazy? Just take a peep at an angler fish sometime? These
monsters look like the offspring of a sea bass and a bear trap, and growing smack in the
middle of their skulls is a curved rod dangling a juicy chunk of bioluminescant flesh.
That’s right. They’re fishing for us. Oceanographers, America’s saftey is in your hands.
Get to work on the subersible deep-fryer.

Physics-Some say this science is fundamental; I say it’s a bunch of unnecessary
regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interferece-universal laws meant to
constrain us at every turn. No staying in motion if acted on by a net force. No
thermodynamic systems without entropy. Hey, is it wrong that I someonetimes want to
act without having to deal with an equal and opposite reaction? Hey, are you listening?
These laws just keep us from reaching our full potential as flying, time-traveling,
telporting clusters of energy. We’d be a lot better off if we took physics off the books and
just let the free market decide what was possible for matter.

Psychology-My theory is that this science was invented by someone with a leather couch
and a strong desire not to go to medical school. Really? I’m supposed to sit down and tell
you all my problems, and then at the end of the hour all I get for my time and my $300 is
you telling me “We’re making progress, I’ll see you next week”? If I drop that kind of
scratch for a doctor, I’d be better leaving with some heavy-duty drugs and a tantalizing
instruction not to mix them with alchohol.

Psychiatry-Psychology with balls. And a perscription pad

Stem cells-This seems like an OK idea. I used to watch Star Trek, and when someone
broke their leg, Dr. McCoy just held a little whirring medical device over them, and the
leg healed right up. I’m fairly sure that device used stem cells somehow. From what I’ve
heard about how they work, that sounds right. Hpwever, on Star Trek they never show
any of the abortions that powered that device. So I’m hoping they found another source of
stem cells.

Techronology-As in Chevron, the gas with Techron! This exciting field is bringing
gasoline performance to new heights. But the innovators working in Techronology
beleive in more than just keeping cars happy and perofrming at their best by maximizing
the cleaning power of all the octane grades; they’re investing in human energy. Thanks to
their hard work, Chevron was the first American gasoline company to have its product
labeled a TOP TIER Gasoline. As we speak, Techronologists are making unprecedented
advances in cleaning intake system deposits while controlling combustion deposits.
Remember, your values are important-fill them with Techron!

Urology-This is pee science. Dirty stuff, but I guess it takes all types. Who am I to judge?

Vitamins-I’m not crazy about the fact that vitamins are taching kids the alphabet. Vitam
A, B6, B12? Cereal boxes should be for taking the Rabbit through the maze to get his
Trix, not about reading lessons.

Why?-This is the question that scientists are always asking. You know who else asks
that? Five-year-olds. Shows you the kind of mental development we’re dealing with here,
folks.

X-Rays-X-Rays are elitist. You have to be a doctor in order to use them. Well, mabye I
want to take a look at my bones not because they’re broken-just because they’re pretty.
No dice. They won’t ship a machine to your house. I finally managed to find a source
who knows a guy who got me some X-Ray glasses. But they only work on my hand, and
even then only in good light. Very dissapointing. You know those X-Ray doctors are
looking through girl’s clothes all the time

Y-Chromosomes-The Y-Chromosome is provided by the father and determines if the
baby will be a manchild. Here’s a no-fail way to make sure your baby is a boy: Put
yourself in a centrifuge right before lovemaking. The spinning sends the weaker girl
chromosomes flying to the back of the scrotum, while the boy chromosomes hold their
positions. This leaves them right up front, ready to lead the charge. Little-known madeup
fact: This is why, at carnivals, the Spinner ride is always right next to the Tunnel of Love.

Zoology-One would think “A school of study dedicated to locking up animals in cages so
that we can throw popcorn at them-finally, a noble science” Not necessarily the case.
While zoologists undoubtedly do good work toward establishing our dominance over the
animals, a suprising amount of zoologists’ time is spent thinking of ways for pandas to
get off. I say, no more funding for Sing-Sing to play with Ling-Ling’s thing thing.
 

InfinityBanana

New Member
Apr 6, 2013
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Excuse me brother, but I can't help but notice how out of touch with reality you are.

John II 23:4 states: "Observation is the key to knowledge. It is the window that helps us decipher the wonderful nature of God."

Romans 7:9: "Never say that Observation will lead you astray. Observation is a method to see God through the very fabric of our lives."

Maccabees I 4:17: "One must look, and observe in order to find God."


My Bible, dear brother, praises observation, and problem solving as one of the ways to find, and be with God. Science, while flawed, is at least infinitely better than a non-believer who refuses to OBSERVE God's glory.
 
May 14, 2013
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God created all the laws of science, so technically God invented nukes. It is man who uses them as weapons instead of a source of energy though.
 

Polt

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Feb 5, 2013
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You doubt the feasibility of some chemist trying to turn lead into gold and you get some lunatic mocking you with a tirade against science.
 

excubitor

New Member
Apr 3, 2013
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InfinityBanana said:
Excuse me brother, but I can't help but notice how out of touch with reality you are.

John II 23:4 states: "Observation is the key to knowledge. It is the window that helps us decipher the wonderful nature of God."

Romans 7:9: "Never say that Observation will lead you astray. Observation is a method to see God through the very fabric of our lives."

Maccabees I 4:17: "One must look, and observe in order to find God."


My Bible, dear brother, praises observation, and problem solving as one of the ways to find, and be with God. Science, while flawed, is at least infinitely better than a non-believer who refuses to OBSERVE God's glory.
Your post is infinitely flawed. The scripture quotes are completely wrong. Where did you make them up from? In my view anyone who quotes scripture passages which are deliberately and totally wrong should be banned.
 

bluedragon

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Science and the creation of nukes is why most on this board are not speaking German or Japanese today ....

The bombs were used to save millions of lives and still has an impact regarding why they should not be used today .....