Understanding MPD/DID & SRA/MK

[Shattered]

thank you ((hugs))
i don tknow hwo to bring myself to do things....
my cheek is numb and im blind partially in the corner o fmy eye....very tired and feel lost
im sorry

I've been there. I know how you feel.

I'm sorry that I've been silent for so long but there are things I haven't told anyone. I couldn't see nor tell Jostler of these things, and I won't burden others either. I was going to maintain my silence but when I noticed what you've been going through, I couldn't permit that silence to prevent me from reminding you of something important: don't forget that the Lord loves you like no other, lilygrace. Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, what God has in store for you.

Don't forget.

 

[lilygrace]

I've been there. I know how you feel.

I'm sorry that I've been silent for so long but there are things I haven't told anyone. I couldn't see nor tell Jostler of these things, and I won't burden others either. I was going to maintain my silence but when I noticed what you've been going through, I couldn't permit that silence to prevent me from reminding you of something important: don't forget that the Lord loves you like no other, lilygrace. Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, what God has in store for you.

Don't forget.

my issue is wondering if God wants me to just accept life as it is.
why try to be free when something will happen to take away any new friends i could make.

 

[TLHKAJ]

my issue is wondering if God wants me to just accept life as it is.
why try to be free when something will happen to take away any new friends i could make.

God has good plans for you.

Jeremiah 29:11
[11]For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Romans 8:28
[28]And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

PS ....I have had these same struggles. For survivors, being surrounded by cult, and having friends/loved ones either abandon or taken away (death, threats, or otherwise), is a reality. It seems inevitable. But we must hold on to God's promises.

 

[lilygrace]

God has good plans for you.

Jeremiah 29:11
[11]For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Romans 8:28
[28]And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

PS ....I have had these same struggles. For survivors, being surrounded by cult, and having friends/loved ones either abandon or taken away (death, threats, or otherwise), is a reality. It seems inevitable. But we must hold on to God's promises.

right i feel like a lot of people distanced from me in time... like they were probably told i am mental or something or lying.... not that they were told much
and then theres people who are going through their own stuff which is fine.

 

[Shattered]

my issue is wondering if God wants me to just accept life as it is.
why try to be free when something will happen to take away any new friends i could make.

This is difficult to explain, lily. It's difficult because the natural mind cannot fathom the ways of the Lord.

From those whom much is required and taken, more shall be given and restored in a measure which exceeds all expectation. The religion of this world tells you that only the bad suffer, and only the wicked know trial and tribulation; only the disobedient suffer deprivation, and only the sinful experience loss. They ignore the Holy One who is both first and the last, and how He suffered unspeakable things for the sake of many. He was spotless and blameless in all of His ways, and yet God the Father was pleased to crush Him. There was no sin in Him and yet He was numbered among transgressors!

He was despised in His own house. The Son of God was mocked, spit upon, and beaten by His accusers and executioners. So, when everything was taken away and I dived dumpsters looking for food, laughed at and mocked by the self-assured, having no place to rest my head, I despaired of living. I had no family, no friends, and no place to go. Those whom I thought were friends turned on me and I was dead to my family of this flesh (I still am). Much was required, and everything was taken. Why?

A cup that's already full can't be filled, lily. So we are crushed and emptied out, led like lambs to the slaughter as it were, and those who exalt in our demise gloat and throw their darts saying, "Where is God now? Why has He forgotten about you?"

When I despaired in the darkness there was no one to deliver the encouraging word, and so I believed that I was accursed and despised by the Lord. I listened to the wicked in my ruin and believed their lies, but no one --- not me, nor the evil ones who clamored for my death --- knew the hidden counsel of God. No one knew until the Lord revealed His arm and God displayed His power in me. The revelry of the wicked became wailing and the darts of the wicked ceased before the glory of the Lord.

It can be so hard, harder than we can bear, so I won't lie to you about that. It's true. From those whom much is required, much is taken, but can you believe this? The Lord was first! Much was required of Jesus Christ and so much was taken from Him, and the same was also required of the apostles He chose. The servant is not greater than their Master, lily, so is it too hard that we also must suffer? It can be.

Do you believe me when I say that the Lord loves you like no other? That's true. Will you believe me when I tell you that neither you nor the wicked know the hidden counsel of God? You despair in the darkness like I once did (I had no friends at all), so I'm here to deliver the encouraging word. Not only does God love you like no other but when the time comes and His arm is revealed, the evil ones will wail before the glory of the Lord.

You're blessed beyond expectation. That's true whether you believe what I write or not.

 

[Shattered]

I read what you wrote elsewhere, @lilygrace , about how someone dismissed your suffering by saying, "Jesus had it worse than you." What do they know anyway? Are they you?

I understand where you're coming from because that's what's been unraveling for a while now: the fact that I was abused, and witnessed abuse, as a child. Some of this was unspeakable. A brother in the Lord came to me and said, "You've suffered terrible abuse, haven't you?" I couldn't say a word, but he wasn't expecting me to. He embraced me instead.

I've called myself a liar... those who abused me did the same... and I saw what happened when those who suffered with me sought help. They weren't believed and when our abusers discovered what they had done, they made them pay dearly for it. It tore me to pieces over and over again. I shattered many times by my 11th birthday, which marked my first attempt at suicide. I couldn't live with what I had heard and seen. I knew too much.

What I did, no one else knew about. I attempted suicide again and again, over 14 times in various ways, but I always emerged unscathed and very much alive. This only magnified my agony because it seemed that I was cursed to live with hell on this earth with no escape. No one knew of this except for the Lord, of course. God knows all things and how I suffered, and He wasn't silent. What did the Lord say in my misery?

Do not be afraid, for the day comes.

So what happens to us, then? We survive hell on this earth until that day comes. That was the day the Lord revealed His power in me. But the revealing of His purpose after all those years, and the comfort of His presence and voice which the Lord promised to me, did not change what I had endured. The Lord didn't erase the past because if He were to do so - and He can do this, for nothing is impossible to God - then I would not be who I am now.

Remember when the Lord appeared among the disciples in the locked room? He did this for the sake of Thomas who could not believe unless he was able to feel the scars on His hands, and the spear wound in His side... so the Lord came to Thomas and bid him to do just that. The Son of God was not ashamed of those wounds for they not only spoke of what He had endured, but also of His resurrection from the dead and the victory this heralded.

The same is true of you and me, lily. It's true for every one of us in Jesus Christ. What we endure on this earth, no matter what that might be, is what makes us who we are in the Lord. I hope that makes sense to you, because you asked a question in this vein.

 

[farouk]

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
God bless you all

@Psalm-147:3 Psalm 139.13, right?

 

[lilygrace]

This is difficult to explain, lily. It's difficult because the natural mind cannot fathom the ways of the Lord.

From those whom much is required and taken, more shall be given and restored in a measure which exceeds all expectation. The religion of this world tells you that only the bad suffer, and only the wicked know trial and tribulation; only the disobedient suffer deprivation, and only the sinful experience loss. They ignore the Holy One who is both first and the last, and how He suffered unspeakable things for the sake of many. He was spotless and blameless in all of His ways, and yet God the Father was pleased to crush Him. There was no sin in Him and yet He was numbered among transgressors!

He was despised in His own house. The Son of God was mocked, spit upon, and beaten by His accusers and executioners. So, when everything was taken away and I dived dumpsters looking for food, laughed at and mocked by the self-assured, having no place to rest my head, I despaired of living. I had no family, no friends, and no place to go. Those whom I thought were friends turned on me and I was dead to my family of this flesh (I still am). Much was required, and everything was taken. Why?

A cup that's already full can't be filled, lily. So we are crushed and emptied out, led like lambs to the slaughter as it were, and those who exalt in our demise gloat and throw their darts saying, "Where is God now? Why has He forgotten about you?"

When I despaired in the darkness there was no one to deliver the encouraging word, and so I believed that I was accursed and despised by the Lord. I listened to the wicked in my ruin and believed their lies, but no one --- not me, nor the evil ones who clamored for my death --- knew the hidden counsel of God. No one knew until the Lord revealed His arm and God displayed His power in me. The revelry of the wicked became wailing and the darts of the wicked ceased before the glory of the Lord.

It can be so hard, harder than we can bear, so I won't lie to you about that. It's true. From those whom much is required, much is taken, but can you believe this? The Lord was first! Much was required of Jesus Christ and so much was taken from Him, and the same was also required of the apostles He chose. The servant is not greater than their Master, lily, so is it too hard that we also must suffer? It can be.

Do you believe me when I say that the Lord loves you like no other? That's true. Will you believe me when I tell you that neither you nor the wicked know the hidden counsel of God? You despair in the darkness like I once did (I had no friends at all), so I'm here to deliver the encouraging word. Not only does God love you like no other but when the time comes and His arm is revealed, the evil ones will wail before the glory of the Lord.

You're blessed beyond expectation. That's true whether you believe what I write or not.

My thing is coming across those who suggest family therapy or mediated therapy..
My sister is considered the hero for offering to pay for my treatments and therapies.
I don't let her.
My mom said ...he offered to pay for therapy and if he actually was a areal abuser courts make them pay for the victims therapy.
I have people telling me to sign up for state disability and help.
I would have to get a lawyer to prove i have a disability. but do i really have one?
But it frustrates me at the thought of proving I'm disabled and remaining in a state that would take some of my paycheck but if i lived elsewhere with a lower cost of living i wouldn't have to prove anything
God created me and didn't make me disabled. Are some people who just think differently really all disabled?
I don't know.
I'm pretty sure though trauma made me a bit disabled.
People who dissociate can function fairly well.
I think that is why I loved school because i could keep track of time..

 

[lilygrace]

I read what you wrote elsewhere, @lilygrace , about how someone dismissed your suffering by saying, "Jesus had it worse than you." What do they know anyway? Are they you?

I understand where you're coming from because that's what's been unraveling for a while now: the fact that I was abused, and witnessed abuse, as a child. Some of this was unspeakable. A brother in the Lord came to me and said, "You've suffered terrible abuse, haven't you?" I couldn't say a word, but he wasn't expecting me to. He embraced me instead.

I've called myself a liar... those who abused me did the same... and I saw what happened when those who suffered with me sought help. They weren't believed and when our abusers discovered what they had done, they made them pay dearly for it. It tore me to pieces over and over again. I shattered many times by my 11th birthday, which marked my first attempt at suicide. I couldn't live with what I had heard and seen. I knew too much.

What I did, no one else knew about. I attempted suicide again and again, over 14 times in various ways, but I always emerged unscathed and very much alive. This only magnified my agony because it seemed that I was cursed to live with hell on this earth with no escape. No one knew of this except for the Lord, of course. God knows all things and how I suffered, and He wasn't silent. What did the Lord say in my misery?

Do not be afraid, for the day comes.

So what happens to us, then? We survive hell on this earth until that day comes. That was the day the Lord revealed His power in me. But the revealing of His purpose after all those years, and the comfort of His presence and voice which the Lord promised to me, did not change what I had endured. The Lord didn't erase the past because if He were to do so - and He can do this, for nothing is impossible to God - then I would not be who I am now.

Remember when the Lord appeared among the disciples in the locked room? He did this for the sake of Thomas who could not believe unless he was able to feel the scars on His hands, and the spear wound in His side... so the Lord came to Thomas and bid him to do just that. The Son of God was not ashamed of those wounds for they not only spoke of what He had endured, but also of His resurrection from the dead and the victory this heralded.

The same is true of you and me, lily. It's true for every one of us in Jesus Christ. What we endure on this earth, no matter what that might be, is what makes us who we are in the Lord. I hope that makes sense to you, because you asked a question in this vein.

I feel like Thomas is condemned to some degree when the lord really hadnt condemned him. Thomas was met and seen for who he was.
I'm trying to believe that is how the Lord sees me.
And then there are some people who believe i grew up religious....and in a godly family.

 

[TLHKAJ]

My sister is considered the hero for offering to pay for my treatments and therapies.
I don't let her.
My mom said ...he offered to pay for therapy and if he actually was a areal abuser courts make them pay for the victims therapy.

I'm so glad you're resisting their "help." Their "help" would end in a reprogramming. They don't appreciate that you're talking about things they want to remain hidden.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I think that is why I loved school because i could keep track of time..

Wow, this is a very interesting insight. It makes sense to me.

 

[Psalm-147:3]

My thing is coming across those who suggest family therapy or mediated therapy..
My sister is considered the hero for offering to pay for my treatments and therapies.
I don't let her.
My mom said ...he offered to pay for therapy and if he actually was a areal abuser courts make them pay for the victims therapy.
I have people telling me to sign up for state disability and help.
I would have to get a lawyer to prove i have a disability. but do i really have one?
But it frustrates me at the thought of proving I'm disabled and remaining in a state that would take some of my paycheck but if i lived elsewhere with a lower cost of living i wouldn't have to prove anything
God created me and didn't make me disabled. Are some people who just think differently really all disabled?
I don't know.
I'm pretty sure though trauma made me a bit disabled.
People who dissociate can function fairly well.
I think that is why I loved school because i could keep track of time..

Hi dear sister,
You are in my prayers. I can share a little from me. I'm in a different country but I have disability. And I get support due to it. It wasn't easy for me to accept any help like this. Yes we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I wasn't born with these issues. I'm not less worth because I have or are on disability. This doesn't define me. I don't know if this helps.

God bless you. You got this. Jesus is right there

 

[Shattered]

I feel like Thomas is condemned to some degree when the lord really hadnt condemned him. Thomas was met and seen for who he was.
I'm trying to believe that is how the Lord sees me.
And then there are some people who believe i grew up religious....and in a godly family.

You are finished in the sight of the Lord, lily. That's how He sees you.

A godly family has love. As for religion, the only pure and undefiled religion is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. Anything else is worthless in the sight of God the Father.

 

[Shattered]

Hi dear sister,
You are in my prayers. I can share a little from me. I'm in a different country but I have disability. And I get support due to it. It wasn't easy for me to accept any help like this. Yes we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I wasn't born with these issues. I'm not less worth because I have or are on disability. This doesn't define me. I don't know if this helps.

God bless you. You got this. Jesus is right there

I was born with mine, and it doesn't reveal itself until later in life. It becomes progressively more severe over time.

 

[Psalm-147:3]

I was born with mine, and it doesn't reveal itself until later in life. It becomes progressively more severe over time.

The Lord bless you

 

[Shattered]

The Lord bless you

He does!

 

[lilygrace]

i wanted to state that i wasnt trying to put down those who get help with disability
there would be nothing wrong with anyone who needs it
for me though, disability means that some relatives would get this money. and if i tried to get my own housing in my state it would mean i would have to keep proving it.
i am not aware of what disabilities are mental or all physical. i have pain issues and other things.
but basically.
why prove i have a disability and people just take my money so i can live somewhere when i can just find a place where i get a living sustainable wage and not prove anything?
it jsut seems more force control to get help from social services sometimes.

 

[lilygrace]

You are finished in the sight of the Lord, lily. That's how He sees you.

A godly family has love. As for religion, the only pure and undefiled religion is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. Anything else is worthless in the sight of God the Father.

you have a point in what you are saying
let us say that i truly did have some sort of mental disorder that made things up such as the abuse.
how would you treat such a family member?
or what if i was evil and hateful and lying? how would you treat me?
if a family member has the issues im accused of and you claimed ot be christian would yout reat them with condemnation and like the butt of jokes?
what of their sins?

 

[Psalm-147:3]

you have a point in what you are saying
let us say that i truly did have some sort of mental disorder that made things up such as the abuse.
how would you treat such a family member?
or what if i was evil and hateful and lying? how would you treat me?
if a family member has the issues im accused of and you claimed ot be christian would yout reat them with condemnation and like the butt of jokes?
what of their sins?

This probably is not helpful at all and I'm sorry. I just see the denial there that I'm struggling with also. Thinking I have another disorder that makes things up.
It's denial working there. The mind can go to great length not to believe painful truths. It's such a struggle.
I'm so sorry you are going through so very much and have little support.
When people around are reinforcing these beliefs, it makes healing very difficult.
I'm praying that the Lord will make a way to sort your situation

 

[Psalm-147:3]

Or if someone says these things to you, I am sorry. Try not to come into agreement with these lies.
My family said similar things when I was back with them for some time years ago. I am a hypochondriac. I just think there was something. Even when I had a bleeding in my spine from a spinal tap, being in hospital, they would say I am simulating.